


Another Uneeded Groupchat Fic

by glennthewalmartguy, sobermeup



Series: Unneeded [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Burrcules, Engagement, Group chat, If you can call wtf they do that, Lams - Freeform, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexting, Talk of Weddings, Washette - Freeform, We have so many chaps written, but now you have it, lesbolaf, sassy.... everyone except george, this was totally not needed, we need to be stopped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-08-12 21:32:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 41,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7949902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glennthewalmartguy/pseuds/glennthewalmartguy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sobermeup/pseuds/sobermeup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the title says it all.... it's real stupid... but we wanted to join the fun</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lesbo Laf

**Author's Note:**

> Read all of Laf's texts in a french accent. 10X funnier

Hamilton is _#Ham4Pan_ ; Laurens is _Turtles_ ; Hercules is _ZeroToHero_ ; Lafayette is _Baguette_ ; Eliza is _PureBagel_ ; Angelica is _CngrtsAss_ ; Burr is _Burr_ ; Washington is _GeorgeW._

  
_#Ham4Pan_ : (Added _Turtles_ , _ZeroToHero_ , and _Baguette_ to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Sup my homeslices?

 _Baguette_ : I am not, how you say, bread

 _ZeroToHero_ : youre literally a baguette

 _Turtles_ : You also speak perfect, how you say, English.

 _Baguette_ : #DragMe

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added _CngrtsAss_ to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : What have I started?

 _CngrtsAss_ : i heard we were roasting our french fry herc invited me to the party

 _Turtles_ : Guise b nice…

 _Baguette_ : Angie has joined to burn this baguette!!!!!! We need more ppl to RoAsT mE

 _CngrtsAss_ : (Added _GeorgeW_. to the conversation)

 _Baguette_ : GWash can roast this ass

 _Baguette_ : I MEAN DAMN

 _GeorgeW_.: Angelica, why have you aded me here??

 _Baguette_ : FUCK

 _ZeroToHero_ : oooooh shit….

 _Turtles_ : Tag urself I'm “why”

 _Baguette_ : I MEAN, SORRY SIR

 _GeorgeW_.: Gilbert, plese do not “sir” me..

 _ZeroToHero_ : WHY IS THAT GWASH.??

 _GeorgeW_.: No reason.

 _Turtles_ : i’m sCReEAMiNG

 _ZeroToHero_ : does it make you… unCOMFORTABLE

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Leave him alone. He's the boss of most of the people in this chat. (John, please, use punctuation.)

 _GeorgeW_.: No, it's fine. You can cook me.

 _Turtles_ : FUCKIN COOK LOLOLOL

 _CngrtsAss_ : Uh, do you mean… Roast?

 _GeorgeW_.: Isn't it th same thing?

 _#Ham4Pan_ : “Roast” is slang for making fun of or teasing someone. “Cook” is what you do to food.

 _Turtles_ : ROFL wash, my man, you make me laugh

 _ZeroToHero_ : ARE WE JUST GONNA FORGET ABOUT THE “sir” THING

 _Baguette_ : (Private Chat to ZeroToHero) shUT uR FuCkIn MoUTH HERCulES

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private Chat to Baguette) kinky bastard

 _#Ham4Pan_ : John, do not refer to our Commander in Chief as “my man”, it is insulting to him, and our relationship.

 _GeorgeW_.: Turtles, you ar John Laurens? You're datig Alexander? I am not a Comander in Chief?

 _Turtles_ : i’m fukciN crYin

 _GeorgeW_.: John, wat is wrong with your keyboard?

 _ZeroToHero_ : oh my god

 _CngrtsAss_ : this is the best thing to happen… ever… thank u hammmmm

 _#Ham4Pan_ : YOU PEOPLE ARE AN OUTRAGE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! USE CORRECT PUNCTUATION!

 _Turtles_ : no?

 _ZeroToHero_ : nO?

 _Baguette_ : Kill me, please. IS THAT CORRECT ALEXANDER?

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Yes, thank you.

 _GeorgeW_.: My thums are too big for my phone.

 _Baguette_ : HOLY SHIT

 _Baguette_ : SORRY GTG

 _Baguette_ : (Left the conversation)

 _ZeroToHero_ : gotta replace him…

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Do not!

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added Burr to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Hercules Mulligan!

 _Burr_ : Get me the fuck out of here I hate all of you

 _GeorgeW_.: Hello, Aron.

 _Burr_ : Oh I didn't know you were here um…….

 _GeorgeW_.: It is all right, Aron, I am one of the bros now, they have fried me.

 _Turtles_ : FRIIIED OMFG GWASH YOUR KILLING ME

 _#Ham4Pan_ : John Jack Laurens I will force you to sleep on the couch if you continue using that way of texting. You will also abstain for several weeks.

 _ZeroToHero_ : SHOTS FUCKIN FIRED

 _Turtles_ : bullshit, u wouldn’t last that long, baby’s too needy

 _Burr_ : Oh for fucks sake

 _ZeroToHero_ : SHOTS FUCKIN RETURNED

 _CngrtsAss_ : I leave for five fuckin mins

 _GeorgeW_.: Oh, my…

 _#Ham4Pan_ : John, stop.

 _GeorgeW_.: How do yu leave a cht?

 _Turtles_ : (Added Baguette to the conversation)

 _Turtles_ : HOW LONG CAN ALEX LAST WITHOUT DICK

 _Baguette_ : like 2 days

 _GeorgeW_.: Angelia please remove me

 _CngrtsAss_ : You suffer with me

 _Baguette_ : George you are still here????

 _Baguette_ : (Private chat to CngrtsAss) REMOVE HIM I TRUSTED YOU

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Can we not talk about sex right now? Our boss is in this chat.

 _GeorgeW_.: I dont want to be

 _ZeroToHero_ : not my fuckin boss lmao

 _GeorgeW_.: What s “lmao”

 _Turtles_ : FUUUUUCK IM WHEEZING

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Sir, you do not want to know.

 _Baguette_ : Laugh my ass off

 _GeorgeW_.: That's not possible

 _CngrtsAss_ : It's a hyperbole

 _Baguette_ : I can remove you George

 _GeorgeW_.: Please Gilbert

 _Baguette_ : (Private chat to _CngrtsAss_ ) THIS IS SO UNFAIR HE SAID PLEASE GILBERT

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I can do it, sir.

 _GeorgeW_.: Let Gilbert

 _Baguette_ : Goodbye Sir

 _Baguette_ : (Removed _GeorgeW_. from the conversation)

 _Turtles_ : IM FUCKIN DEAD LAF JUSY ASK HIM OIT

 _#Ham4Pan_ : John, stop with the incorrect texting!

 _GeorgeW_.: (Private chat to _CngrtsAss_ ) Why must he cotinue calling me sir

 _CngrtsAss_ : (Private chat to _GeorgeW_.) I don't want to discuss kinks with you, Boss.

 _Turtles_ : Make me babe

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Perhaps I fucking will.

 _ZeroToHero_ : He just used “perhaps” and “fucking” in the same sentence

 _Baguette_ : I am dead

 _CngrtsAss_ : No, I'm dead. Laf stop calling wash sir

 _Baguette_ : I am I N N O C E N T

 _ZeroToHero_ : December 24, 2011…..

 _Baguette_ : DON'T U FCKN DARE

 _ZeroToHero_ : He is not innocent

 _Turtles_ : Wtf?????

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Please, tell us what happened.

 _CngrtsAss_ : Eliza told me about that lol

 _CngrtsAss_ : (Added PureBagel to the conversation)

 _CngrtsAss_ : 12/24/11

 _PureBagel_ : Here we go

 _Baguette_ : ELIZA NO

 _PureBagel_ : Twas a cold Christmas Eve

 _ZeroToHero_ : I invited Eliza over bc she has no friends in NY

 _PureBagel_ : Lies. Anyway, I brought some wine

 _Baguette_ : Pls stop

 _ZeroToHero_ : Two bottles entered the house. Two bottles entered Laf

 _PureBagel_ : Herc and I soon wished we had gotten some of that wine. Because then…

 _ZeroToHero_ : Lafayette turned to Eliza and said, entirely calm, “I'm wearing a collar under my sweater.”

 _PureBagel_ : I froze. I didn't know what to say. What to do

 _Baguette_ : I hate all of you

 _Turtles_ : IM FUCKING CHOKING

 _ZeroToHero_ : She stared at him. Laf pulls down the neck of his sweater

 _PureBagel_ : It had diamonds on it…. And a tag

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Oh my god.

 _CngrtsAss_ : You're an atheist

 _ZeroToHero_ : the tag read “My Bitch”

 _PureBagel_ : Laf laughed, ”I am a good boy” he said

 _ZeroToHero_ : I called a cab

 _PureBagel_ : Herc and I left Lafayette, and went to a bar. Nothing could get the image out of our heads.

 _ZeroToHero_ : Merry fuckin Christmas

 _Baguette_ : I am so betrayed

 _Turtles_ : u r so fckn kinky Laf

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I cannot believe this.

 _CngrtsAss_ : I'm not surprised now, wasn't surprised first time I heard it

 _PureBagel_ : I am the innocent one, you piece of _shit_

 _CngrtsAss_ : WATCH UR FUCKIN’ LANGUAGE SCHUYLER

 _Turtles_ : wAit hOw d o U do ItAliCs

 _PureBagel_ : Secrets, my dear turtel

 _#Ham4Pan_ : NOT YOU TOO, ELIZA!

 _ZeroToHero_ : oh my god, here we goooooooo

 _Burr_ : what the fuck is wrong with you people?

 _CngrtsAss_ : shit, forgot burr was here….

 _ZeroToHero_ : uhhh…. same

 _Turtles_ : _Sameness_

 _PureBagel_ : NO JAAAAWWWWWWNNN HOWWWWWW

 _Turtles_ : secrets, _bagel_

 _PureBagel_ : omfg

 _Hercules_ : probs google tbh

 _Burr_ : i mean like… honestly? What the actual fuck??

 _Turtle_ : shut the _fuk_ up burr

 _Baguette_ : ur the worst burr

 _Burr_ : i should gooo

 _#Ham4Pan_ : No. These fuckers should go.

 _Turtles_ : WHAT!?????????

 _ZeroToHero_ : That’s fucking offensive, Alexander.

 _Baguette_ : I, for one, am personally offended that you would insult us like that

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Herc, you used punctuation!

 _Turtles_ : baby, i thought u loved us

 _ZeroToHero_ : Lwave me alone shithead

 _CngrtsAss_ : herc what have you done?

 _#Ham4Pan_ : You were doing so well, friend.

 _PureBagel_ : ham, for like 2 secs stop writing like an old white man

 _Burr_ : (Left the conversation)

 _CngrtsAss_ : Same, tho burr

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Wait, can we talk about how kinky Lafayette is?

 _Baguette_ : I WISH TO BE LESBIAN ALONE!!!!!

 _Baguette_ : left**** oh god

 _ZeroToHero_ : oHHHHH DAMN I THOUGHT U WERE A GUY

 _CngrtsAss_ : jesus h. Christ

 _Turtles_ : laf, u came out

 _Turtles_ : i feel like a proud dad!!!!

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I feel like after the collar he shouldn't have to come out.

 _Baguette_ : i

 _ZeroToHero_ : HAHAHAHAHAHH

 _Baguette_ : HaTe

 _Baguette_ : ALL

 _Turtles_ : ham, are we proud dads, rn

 _Baguette_ : Of U

 _CngrtsAss_ : #lesbolaf

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I speak for both of us when I say that we support our lesbian son.

 _Turtles_ : #lesbolaf

 _ZeroToHero_ : #lesbolaf

 _#Ham4Pan_ : #LesboLaf

 _Baguette_ : (Left the conversation)

 _PureBagel_ : HOW OLD R U HAM

 _Turtles_ : LESBOLAF COME BACK

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added Baguette to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Look at my son.

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Pride is just the word he's looking for.

 _Baguette_ : (Left the conversation)


	2. No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh.... this was supposed to be a crack fic, well thomas ruins everything i suppose

Hamilton is _#Ham4Pan _ ; Laurens is _Turtles_ ; Hercules is _ZeroToHero_ ; Lafayette is _Baguette_ ; Eliza is _PureBagel_ ; Angelica is _CngrtsAss_ ; Thomas is _Macaroni_Man_ ; James (Madison) is _Macaroni’s_Man_

  
_#Ham4Pan_ : I’m just saying: if you don’t want to aggrivate me, just use FUCKING correct spelling and punctuation.

 _Turtles_ : aggravate*

 _ZeroToHero_ : tear that dude apart…. shit

 _Baguette_ : I cannot belive that happened

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Well, I quit.

 _Turtles_ : uh, no u take a break

 _CngrtsAss_ : is he finally gonna take a break?

 _PureBagel_ : TAKE A BREAK!

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I will try to chill out.

 _Baguette_ : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 _ZeroToHero_ : HAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHA

 _Turtles_ : HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I hate every single one of you.

 _PureBagel_ : #hamisr00daf

 _Turtles_ : #hegivesgreatheadtho

 _ZeroToHero_ : OH MY GOD

 _CngrtsAss_ : FucKinG NO

 _Baguette_ : IF I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DISCUSS WASHINTONS ASS THEN YOU ARE NOT ALOWED TO DISCUSS THAT

 _PureBagel_ : my pure eyes

 _CngrtsAss_ : HER PURE EYES

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Thank you.

 _Turtles_ : u know it babe

 _ZeroToHero_ : I should punish you

 _Baguette_ : Kinky

 _Turtles_ : DADDY!

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Herc, please do not.

 _Turtles_ : That’s my job….

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added _Macaroni_Man_ to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : HERCULES FUCKING MULLIGAN

 _Turtles_ : herc’s gonna get castrated

 _Macaroni_Man_ : I’m going to castrate him

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Removed _Macaroni_Man_ from the conversation)

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added _Macaroni_Man_ to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Removed _Macaroni_Man_ from the conversation)

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added _Macaroni_Man_ to the conversation)

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Removed _Macaroni_Man_ from the conversation)

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Added _Macaroni_Man_ to the conversation)

 _Macaroni_Man_ : LEAVE ME ALONE

 _Macaroni_Man_ : (Private chat to _Macaroni’s_Man_ ) Babe, help me, Ham and his friends are torturing me

 _Macaroni’s_Man_ : (Private chat to _Macaroni_Man_ ) who cares?

 _Macaroni_Man_ : (Private chat to _Macaroni’s_Man_ ) You’re supposed to be on MY side

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Hercules, I swear to everything good and holy

 _CngrtsAss_ : YOURE AN ATHEIST

 _ZeroToHero_ : Alexander, we both know what we know

 _#Ham4Pan_ : ??

 _ZeroToHero_ : April thirteenth, 2012

 _Turtles_ : 4/13/12??

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Still not getting it.

 _CngrtsAss_ : 4/13/12?

 _Macaroni_Man_ : I want to have this dirt

 _ZeroToHero_ : Reynolds

 _#Ham4Pan_ : YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING DARE HERCULES!

 _Macaroni_Man_ : Like James and Maria??

 _PureBagel_ : alex what did u do

 _ZeroToHero_ : I BUT I FUCKING WOULD

 _ZeroToHero_ : Unless…

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Unless?

 _Turtles_ : WTF?/?!!???

 _ZeroToHero_ : leave Thomas in

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Hercules, how dare you betray me like this?

 _ZeroToHero_ : I am in control, Alexander. Fucking deal with it.

 _Turtles_ : …..

 _PureBagel_ : …..

 _Macaroni_Man_ : …..

 _CngrtsAss_ : …

 _Baguette_ : ….

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I will kick you, Hercules.

 _ZeroToHero_ : You won’t. I can create a group and share with everyone my lovely photography skills.

 _Turtles_ : Yo, herc. chill for real

 _Baguette_ : Hercules, cmon man

 _CngrtsAss_ : even im not down for this

 _ZeroToHero_ : I have one thing to say to Alex

 _#Ham4Pan_ : What could you to fucking say to fix this?

 _ZeroToHero_ : Dolley Payne Todd

 _ZeroToHero_ : not fixing shit, bruh

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Fuck off

 _Macaroni_Man_ : So, how bout them yankees…..

 _Turtles_ : Back the fuck off herc

 _Turtles_ : I don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about, but I s2g if you don’t step back

 _#Ham4Pan_ : John, stop. I deserve it.

 _CngrtsAss_ : so, how bout #lesbolaf

 _Baguette_ : Don’t use my sexuality as a diversion tool, ma amie

 _PureBagel_ : someone has to fucking divert this

 _CngrtsAss_ : ELIZABETH GERTRUDE SCHUYLER, WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE

 _Turtles_ : ur miDDLE NAME IS GERTRUDE

 _PureBagel_ : u told them my middle

 _CngrtsAss_ : shit

 _CngrtsAss_ : sorry?

 _Baguette_ : AHHAHAHAHA

 _PureBagel_ : imma punch ur french dick, laf

 _Baguette_ : DO NOT TOUCH MY BAGUETTE

 _PureBagel_ : ur not getting at my bagel anyway

 _Baguette_ : Good, I hate bagels…. Even tho i’m a lesbian

 _Turtles_ : #LESBOLAF

 _CngrtsAss_ : #LESBOLAF

 _PureBagel_ : #LESBOLAF

 _Macaroni_Man_ : My mother’s name is Gertrude

 _Macaroni_Man_ : She's a bitch

 _PureBagel_ : jesus, thomsass

 _CngrtsAss_ : Oh my fuckin god

 _Baguette_ : Thomas Jefferson, you respect your goddamn mother, because she is a delight

 _Turtles_ : im WHEEZING

 _CngrtsAss_ : John dont die

 _PureBagel_ : Alex would be hella sad

 _#Ham4Pan_ : It’s too bad I already killed his ass last night.

 _CngrtsAss_ : FUCKING CHRIST HAM

 _PureBagel_ : IM GONNA BARF

 _Baguette_ : I will too………… unless i can join

 _ZeroToHero_ : im dead 2

 _Turtles_ : no no no ménage à trois on my watch

 _PureBagel_ : (woah look its herc and ham……)

 _CngrtsAss_ : shush Lizzy

 _Turtles_ : BABY CAME BACK TO MEEEE HE BLAMED IT ALL ON HERRRRRRC

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Firstly, I deserved that. Secondly, I can’t last without you. Thirdly, shut the hell up Eliza.

 _CngrtsAss_ : Don’t fucking say that to her, ill fuck u up

 _Turtles_ : u’ll wat m8

 _Turtles_ : she’ll fuk u up m8

 _ZeroToHero_ : I’m just gonna..

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Left the conversation)

 _Baguette_ : UMMM?????

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I seem to have fucked up. My apologies, friends.

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) Herc, it was four years ago. I regret what I did. Please, forgive me.

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _#Ham4Pan_ ) Listen man, you cheated on her. Thats a dick move

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) It’s not my fault you fell in love with my girlfriend.

 _Baguette_ : Are they alive?

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) Wait…

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _#Ham4Pan_ ) [ ** _This user has blocked you_**.]

 _#Ham4Pan_ : I am such a fuck up!

 _Turtles_ : Whatd u do now

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Private chat to _Turtles_ ) I made a huge mistake on April 13, 2012.

 _PureBagel_ : bby it couldnt be that bad ill still love you

 _PureBagel_ : (Private chat to ZeroToHero) you okay frien?

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _PureBagel_ ) [ ** _This user has blocked you_**.]

 _PureBagel_ : WAIT WHAT the FUCK DID u DO ALEXANDER

 _CngrtsAss_ : Liza

PureBagel: no, shut up, this is serious, Alexander i s2g

 _#Ham4Pan_ : Um. Perhaps I should take a break…

 _CngrtsAss_ : AFTER ALL THIS TIME. I ASK YOU TO TAKE A BREAK ALL THE FUCKIN TIME AND U REFUSE 2

 _Turtles_ : baby…

 _Macaroni_Man_ : At least I own up to my bullshit….

 _Turtles_ : (Private chat to _#Ham4Pan_ ) Please tell me

 _#Ham4Pan_ : (Private chat to _Turtles_ ) I can’t

 _Turtles_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) yo, mulligan what’s up man

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _Turtles_ ) [ ** _This user has blocked you_** ]

 _Turtles_ : yo, guys herc just blocked me???

 _PureBagel_ : thats what he did to me

 _CngrtsAss_ : wait lemme try

 _Baguette_ : Oh dear

 _CngrtsAss_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) Hercules?

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _CngrtsAss_ ) [ _ **This user has blocked you**_ ]

 _CngrtsAss_ : yikes, ham did something reeeall bad

 _Baguette_ : Wait, wait let his best friend try

 _Baguette_ : (Private chat to _ZeroToHero_ ) mon ami?

 _ZeroToHero_ : no.

 _ZeroToHero_ : (Private chat to _Baguette_ ) [ _ **This user has blocked you**_ ] 

 


	3. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay listen...... iM JUST SO OVER THE ITALICS AND SHIT

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

  
Baguette: Mon ami!!! Wtf did u do!!!!!

  
#Ham4Pan: For the last fucking time I cannot tell you.

  
PureBagel: even when he's pissed be types like he's 78

  
CngrtsAss: Or 69

  
Turtles: FUCKN HELL

  
Baguette: Srsly Alex what

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) You can't tell John.

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) okay????

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) I was still in college. I was stupid and horrible.

  
Turtles: Alex is the QUEEN of 69

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) Now you have me worried

  
Macaroni_Man: That is WAY tmi.

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) In 2012 I was dating a girl named Dolley. She liked me, but I was just dating her because I wanted to be dating someone. Herc fell in love with her, but he didn't make a move because she was dating me.

  
CngrtsAss: Alex and John have no shame

  
Turtles: none

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) That is not so bad

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) That is not all. I was a horrible person back then. James and Maria Reynolds asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them and I said yes. Herc has a picture of me in the middle of the act. He walked in. He hasn't let it go.

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) that is so bad

  
PureBagel: I can't handle this omfg

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) so… What's in the picture???

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) …

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) Now I have to no

  
Turtles: Alex is secretly old. But his dick is still young

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) I'm on my back.

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) And???

  
Macaroni_Man: Stop

  
PureBagel: My pure eyes

  
CngrtsAss: HER PURE EYES

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Baguette) I am just going to get this over with. I am on my back, Maria is riding me, I am bound to the bed, and giving James a blowjob.

  
Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) SHIT

  
#Ham4Pan: I am definitely great in bed.

  
MacaroniMan: Did I mention I hate all of you?

  
CngrtsAss: Several times yes…

  
Baguette: This chat is so lame.. ADD SOME SPICE PEOPLE XXX

  
CngrtsAss: (Added GeorgeW. to the conversation)

  
Turtles: Laf do u know wat XXX means??

  
GeorgeW.: Angelia Schuyler

  
Baguette: No….

  
Turtles: Lol GwAsH mY MAN

  
CngrtsAss: don’t call him GWash

  
GeorgeW.: Jon, u raly should get ur keyboard fixed

  
#Ham4Pan: Don’t call him GWash.

  
Turtles: ur one to talk m8

  
GeorgeW.: m8?

  
Baguette: Mate.

  
GeorgeW.: Gilbert!

  
Turtles: *in alexs voice* “dont call him gilbert”

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Hello.

  
PureBagel: John, don’t sass the POTUS

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Hello, sir

  
#Ham4Pan: For the last time, John, stop valuing memes over our jobs.

  
Turtles: i thought u loved me

  
Turtles: let my meMES BE FREE

  
GeorgeW.: what is “meme”

  
CngrtsAss: oh here we go

  
Turtles: #FREEDOMFORALLMEMES

  
MacaroniMan: I refuse to be part of this anymore.

  
MacaroniMan: (Left the conversation)

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Why must you continue calling me sir

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Why should I stop?

  
#Ham4Pan: A meme is a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) (GeorgeW. is typing)

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) (GeorgeW. has stopped typing)

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) You let everyone else call you sir. Do you hate me George?

  
Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) wat r u making for dinner

  
GeorgeW.: Thank you Alex

  
#Ham4Pan: Of course, sir.

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) I dont hate u! I just… I don't kno

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) you literally just let Alex call you sir without protest

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) I don’t know. Do you want to order takeout?

  
Turtles: We need to meme-ucate GWash

  
#Ham4Pan: Don’t call him Gwash!

  
GeorgeW.: If you wnt to call me GWash tats okay, John

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Hes like my son! Ur different

  
Turtles: HAH!!!!

  
#Ham4Pan: This is an outrage. Don’t encourage him, sir.

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) MON DIEU! YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) what?

  
Turtles: i thought you were supposed to take my side in shit *sobs*

  
#Ham4Pan: It must be nice to have Washington on your side. You don't need me to be on your side as well.

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) A word,

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Sir?

  
CngrtsAss: Oh, damn, alex gettin salty

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) two thins… one, Gilbert is acting strange, and two take Jons side

  
PureBagel: i’m cryin lolol

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) What exactly do you mean by “strange”?

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) he said “YU FEEL THE SAME WAY”

  
Turtles: I'm an innocent bean

  
#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Do you think that maybe he was talking about romantic feelings?

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) R u talking about romantic feelings

  
CngrtsAss: John laurens???? INNOCENT???? HAHAHHAHA

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Yes? Did I misread signals? Je suis imbécile.

  
PureBagel: I am the innocent one

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) No! I like u Gilbert. I think

  
Turtles: I don't knew what your talking about

  
#Ham4Pan: You are most certainly not innocent!

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) You awkward adorable man!! I like you too

  
CngrtsAss: Tell us more hammy

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) would u want to go on a date tomorow?

  
Baguette: I would love to date you George!

  
Baguette: Merde

  
CngrtsAss: GEORGE AND LAF ARE FINALLY TOGETHER!?!!??

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) I AM SO SORRY SIR

  
Turtles: Finallt!!

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) You should rally stp calling me sir… til tomorrow

  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Niquer

  
PureBagel: You guys are so cute together!!

  
#Ham4Pan: Congratulations, sir.

  
GeorgeW.: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) Than you Alexandr. And dont ignore my advice abut John

  
#Ham4Pan: So, GWash, where are you taking Lafayette on your first date?

  
Turtles: OMG!!! ILY!!!

  
GeorgeW.: That's for me to knw.

  
Baguette: !!!!!!!

  
PureBagel: So I guess #lesbolaf is fake

  
CngrtsAss: #LESBOLAF

  
Turtles: #LESBOLAF

  
GeorgeW.: What is “lesbo”

  
#Ham4Pan: Lesbo is short for lesbian.

  
GeorgeW.: Lesbin is women who like women rigt?

  
Baguette: Yes.

  
GeorgeW.: U can't be a lesbin thouh?

  
PureBagel: That's the point XD


	4. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a private chat between Ham and John. I promise the angst is almost over and we'll get back to the memes soon.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles

#Ham4Pan: So, John, I am sorry.

Turtles: Huh?????

#Ham4Pan: I do not want what I am about to tell you effect our relationship now. It was long ago. I do not wish for you to hate me, as I love you more than even my fingers can write out a description for.

Turtles: Babe I love you too. What's up

#Ham4Pan: The reason that Herc is mad at me is because of a girlfriend I had in college.

Turtles: Taht Dolley chick?

#Ham4Pan: Yes. I was unhappy in my relationship, unhappy in my life. I was only dating Dolley because I wanted to be dating someone, I did not care for her.

Turtles: Okay?

#Ham4Pan: Hercules fell in love with her. He did not tell me so until after the fact.

Turtles: Afterwhat?

#Ham4Pan: Dolley wasn't home. Herc walked into our dorm. John I was such a bad person I will never forgive myself for what I did.

Turtles: Hammy it can't be that bad just tell me

#Ham4Pan: I was cheating on Dolley with James and Maria Reynolds. Herc took a picture.

Turtles: You cheated on her

#Ham4Pan: Yes. I broke up with her right after it happened and I didn't date again for a long time.

Turtles: …

#Ham4Pan: John Laurens I love you.

Turtles: I just need some time… to think about this

#Ham4Pan: John…

Turtles: ily babe, I just need a little bit, okay?

#Ham4Pan: Okay.


	5. No More Angst!

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr

  
ZeroToHero: (unblocked Baguette)

ZeroToHero: (unblocked PureBagel)

ZeroToHero: (unblocked CngrtsAss)

ZeroToHero: (unblocked Turtles)

ZeroToHero: (unblocked #Ham4Pan)

ZeroToHero: I love you all. I'm sorry for what I did. I've been going through some stuff and I just took it out on you. It wasn't right.

PureBagel: I forgive you Herc.

CngrtsAss: I forgive u too

Baguette: ^^

Turtles: ditto

ZeroToHero: Thank you all so much. I don't want to try and excuse my behavior, but I recently got out of a bad relationship.

Baguette: I will stab her

CngrtsAss: ditto

ZeroToHero: Omg don't do that.  
Alex, I did this to you, do you forgive me?

ZeroToHero: … Alex?

#Ham4Pan: Sorry I was in the shower. Of course I forgive you. I should've told John anyway.

PureBagel: Not to ruin the happy mood, but we still don't know what exactly happened

#Ham4Pan: You mind Herc?

ZeroToHero: Go ahead.

#Ham4Pan: So you all know how I was an asshole in college.

PureBagel: Oh yeah.

CngrtsAss: The worst.

#Ham4Pan: Herc was in love with my girlfriend Dolley but stayed away because I was dating her. Then he caught me cheating on her.

CngrtsAss: Omg with James and Maria???

#Ham4Pan: I was in a bad place okay!

PureBagel: Oh my gooooood

Turtles: U kno, I don't feel bad about this anymore

Turtles: “Angelia,” tell me more about these people.

Baguette: Do not make fun of my Washington!

#Ham4Pan: Schuyler you better not.

CngrtsAss: This couple got married in high school right, and they were like the town sluts. It must have been a real low point of Alex was with them

PureBagel: U guys get tested right?

#Ham4Pan: Oh my god of course we do you guys are the worst.

Turtles: Now I need to know more about low point college Alex

CngrtsAss: He wrote too much

Baguette: That's just him now

ZeroToHero: Like even more then now tho

PureBagel: It was a lot

Turtles: So that's how you graduated so fast

#Ham4Pan: It was my parents dying wish before they passed.

Turtles: Stfu ur not Burr

PureBagel: (added Burr to the conversation)

#Ham4Pan: How dare you?

ZeroToHero: Aaron, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of hearing the story of how you graduated so fast. Enlighten me?

Burr: Oh, I couldn't.

PureBagel: Please,

Burr: Well, you see my parents had recently passed away, and they were on the committee for King’s College. It was their dying wish for me to graduate with accelerated learning. I worked my hardest and ended up graduating in only two years with honors.

CngrtsAss: That's beautiful, Burr

PureBagel: Truly an amazing story

Burr: Thank you

Turtles: Amazing

Baguette: Magnificent

#Ham4Pan: MY PARENTS ARE DEAD TOO

Burr: Don't be jealous, Hamilton. You graduated in three.

#Ham4Pan: John you wanna go fuck

Burr: Alrighty

Burr: (removed Burr from the conversation)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! The angst is officially over y'all!


	6. Dirty Bagel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert stole my phone!

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss; Washington is GeorgeW.

#Ham4Pan: All I'm saying is that if John said he had a daddy kink, I would be willing to do it.

PureBagel: How did it come to this

CngrtsAss: Alexander has no filter and John encourages him

Turtles: To be clear, I do not have a daddy kink

ZeroToHero: At least y'all aren't as bad as Wash

Baguette: Do not bring my Washington into this!

#Ham4Pan: Aw, the gays in love.

CngrtsAss: Alex, you are also a gay in love.

#Ham4Pan: That's why I said it. John and I are the best.

Baguette: I believe both Alexander and my George are technically bis/pans in love

GeorgeW.: That is true.

Turtles: shit man why do you only respond like once every ten minutes

GeorgeW.: I am a busy man, Joh.

ZeroToHero: Things are heating up here y'all

PureBagel: “y'all”

Baguette: “y'all”

Turtles: “y'all”

CngrtsAss: “y'all”

#Ham4Pan: “Y'all,” Hercules Mulligan said.

Turtles: OH MY GOD BABE WTF

PureBagel: IM WHEEZING

ZeroToHero: Y R U SO OLD HAM

CngrtsAss: I hate this chat

CngrtsAss: Someone kill me

#Ham4Pan: I wonder how vampires suck blood.

PureBagel: ?????

#Ham4Pan: Do the teeth act as blood straws or are they simply tools for puncture.

Turtles: Y are thinking about this

#Ham4Pan: Well last night got me thinking about it.  
  
ZeroToHero: What

Turtles: SHUT THE FUCK UP

PureBagel: My eyes….

CngrtsAss: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP HER PURE

#Ham4Pan: Apologies.

CngrtsAss: …

ZeroToHero: …

PureBagel: …

Turtles: ……..

#Ham4Pan: It's quiet in the chat.

GeorgeW.: Gilbert has a great ass

PureBagel: OH MY GOD

Turtles: WHATTHE FUCK

GeorgeW.: Thay was not me!

#Ham4Pan: Sir, why?

GeorgeW.: Gilbert stole my phone while I was in the shower!

Baguette: BAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHAHA

CngrtsAss: Why

Baguette: I am a devious baguette!

ZeroToHero: How did he get past your password

GeorgeW.: Like he said, he is devious

Baguette: His password is 1234

CngrtsAss: I give up, there is no helping you

ZeroToHero: Is George Washington truly a hopeless cause? We turn to Gilbert de Motier, Marquis de Lafayette for answers.

Turtles: …

ZeroToHero: Mr. Lafayette?

#Ham4Pan: I don't believe they will be responding for a while.

PureBagel: I've been dropped to the floor.

PureBagel: (changed name to DirtyBagel)

DirtyBagel: My identity, ruined

CngrtsAss: Eliza change ur name back

DirtyBagel: fine

DirtyBagel: (changed name to PureBagel)

 


	7. JohnsBitch

Hamilton is  _ #Ham4Pan _ ; Laurens is  _ Turtles _ ; Hercules is  _ ZeroToHero _ ; Lafayette is  _ Baguette  _ ; 

 

#Ham4Pan: All I'm saying is that if you want the perfect cake, you have to bake it properly. 

 

Turtles: Ham ur the only one that cares about cake

 

#Ham4Pan: You care about my cake.

 

Baguette: Alex how is this helping me…..? I need to get Wash something for his birthday 

 

ZeroToHero: why did you think Ham would be helpful tho

 

Turtles: fuckin’ tru AF

 

#Ham4Pan: Bake him something! John you are so rude!

 

Turtles: love u tho babe xx

 

Baguette: sigh, this is useless, it's the first time gifts will be involved in our relationship 

 

ZeroToHero: I can knit you something

 

Turtles: do something kinky

 

Baguette: herc you are adorable

 

Turtles: remember the collar, I bet he'd like that 

 

Baguette: he did not

 

#Ham4Pan: John, we should get you a collar. 

 

ZeroToHero: I'm out

 

Baguette: honestly aLeX

 

Turtles: ………..

 

Turtles: okay

 

Baguette: NO! I can just imagine what Eliza would say 

 

ZeroToHero: “My eYeS”

 

Baguette: “My pure identity”

 

ZeroToHero: and Angelica would pipe in with “hER PURE EYES AND IDENTITY!” 

 

ZeroToHero: where did ham and john go 

 

Baguette: um………….

 

Baguette: pardon-moi while I barf 

 

_ LATER _

 

Hamilton is  _ JonhsBitch _ ; Laurens is  _ Turtles _ ; Hercules is  _ ZeroToHero _ ; Lafayette is  _ Baguette  _ ; Eliza is  _ PureBagel _ ; Angelica is  _ CngrtsAss _ ; Washington is  _ GeorgeW. _

 

PureBagel: and then this ho was like ‘but ur man is all over that bitch’

 

CngrtsAss: LANGUAGE 

 

GeorgeW: I am confsed. Wy did this take place?

 

Turtles: u don't have no man, ur an independent black woman 

 

PureBagel: *takes out hoops* *takes off weave* HOL MY WEAVE 

 

ZeroToHero: I find this slightly offensive 

 

CngrtsAss: it's okay, you're an independent black woman too 

 

ZeroToHero: oh… okay?

 

GeorgeW: What?

 

Turtles: oh, Gwash…… tsk tsk

 

PureBagel: man, this poor guy he doesn’t get anything

 

JohnsBitch: For the last time, leave our boss alone!

 

ZeroToHero: uhhhh,,,,,,,,,,

 

CngrtsAss: mmmm…………….

 

PureBagel: saying “my eyes” doesn’t even cover it

 

Baguette: this is the first thing i see :((((((((((((((

 

JohnsBitch: What’s wrong with all of you?

 

Turtles: Nothing (pfffff)

 

ZeroToHero: I don’t… I dont eve know where to start

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtyBagel)

 

CngrtsAss: ELIZA FUCKING SCHUYLER

 

Baguette: honestly, eliza, pLEASe

 

DirtyBagel: I must, there is nothing good left in the world

 

DirtyBagel: *gross sobbing*

 

JohnsBitch: I’m… I’m lost. 

 

Turtles: I fuckin love pancakes ;)

 

GeorgeW: Alexader, why are you naamed this? 

 

JohnsBitch: It’s so cold on this bus. 

 

DirtyBagel: ????¿¿¿¿

 

CngrtsAss: u make me wanna die

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Is that a sex thing

 

Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) oh my GOD. NO

 

ZeroToHero: what the hell is wrong with you man?

 

JohnsBitch: (Private chat to Turtles) How am I supposed to normally converse with my friends, John?!

 

Turtles: (Private chat to JohnsBitch) HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

 

Baguette: what are you doing alex

 

Turtles: Yeah, Alex, what are you doing?

 

JohnsBitch: John. You… You used correct punctuation. You capitalized correctly. Your spelling is correct. I cannot believe this. I love you! Marry me?!

 

CngrtsAss: What the FUCK

 

Baguette: Oh my god????

 

Turtles: eh, maybe later 

 

Turtles: luv u tho bae xx

 

GeorgeW.: Beautiful!

 

Baguette: babe…

 

JohnsBitch: Understandable.

  
ZeroToHero: what a wild ride


	8. "Aaron"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU DONE MESSED UP A-A-RON

Hamilton is _JohnsBitch_ ; Laurens is _Turtles_ ; Hercules is _ZeroToHero_ ; Lafayette is _Baguette_ ; Eliza is _DirtyBagel_ ; Angelica is _CngrtsAss_ ; Burr is _Burr_ ; Washington is _GeorgeW._

 

JohnsBitch: Why can't I use the word “moist?”

 

Turtles: babe it's DISGUSTING

 

DirtyBagel: I have never met a person besides you that is okay w/ that word

 

CngrtsAss: I hate you

 

ZeroToHero: Is everyone just okay with these names now???

 

Burr: Yes.

 

Baguette: what the FUCK WHY IS BURR HERE

 

Burr: I live here

 

GeorgeW.: You cannot live in a group cht,

 

JohnsBitch: On the contrary, Lafayette is doing that right now.

 

GeorgeW.: No? He lives with me?

 

CngrtsAss: WHAT

 

DirtyBagel: OMFG YEEEESSSSSS

 

Baguette: BABE,,,,,,

 

 

JohnsBitch: Wow, how long have guys been dating?

 

Baguette: ummm… a while

 

GeorgeW.: Six month, two weeks, and three days.

 

Baguette: I am a terrible boyfriend

 

CngrtsAss: THATS SO CUTE

 

DirtyBagel: (Changed name to PureBagel)

 

PureBagel: There is good in this world.

 

Turtles: What a wonderful time to be alive

 

ZeroToHero: 'Tis is a great day

 

GeorgeW.: I am very happy as wll

 

Baguette: I am so gay for u Wash

 

JohnsBitch: Me too.

 

Turtles: Alex,,,,,

 

JohnsBitch: I MEANT ME TOO TO THE I AM SO GAY THING! I DID NOT READ THE ENTIRE TEXT!

 

GeorgeW.: Hamilton, I am flattered, but I am a taken man

 

Burr: Things are heating up in this chat

 

ZeroToHero: Never a dull moment here.

 

Burr: Every day is a new adventure

 

ZeroToHero: Every moment spent in suspense

 

Burr: We are here to change the world,

 

ZeroToHero: One text at a time.

 

CngrtsAss: What the fuck was that

 

Turtles: _I ship it_

 

Burr: Nope

 

Burr: (Removed Burr from the conversation)

 

PureBagel: Our savior!

 

JohnsBitch: The wonderful John Laurens!

 

CngrtsAss: Making burr leave the chat,

 

ZeroToHero: One text at a time.

 

Baguette: Oh my GOD Herc

 

Turtles: I want to _kms_

 

JohnsBitch: I want to kill Aaron.

 

CngrtsAss: “AARON”

 

PureBagel: “AARON”????

 

Baguette: What is going oooon???

 

GeorgeW.: Who is Aaron?

 

Turtles: _AA_ **_RO_ ** _N_ **_BURR_ ** _!_ **_?_ ** _!_ **_!_ ** _??_ **_?_ ** _!!??_ **_??_ **

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, yes,, him.

 

Baguette: Who are you and what have you done with Alexander?

 

Turtles: where’s my boyfriend

 

JohnsBitch: Laf, your punctuation!

 

Baguette: nO! nOt nOw yOu impOster11!!!!11!!!!!111!!1!!!!

 

Turtles: do you love him?

 

JohnsBitch: Honestly, John!

 

CngrtsAss: #bringbackAlex

 

PureBagel: #bringbackAlex

 

Baguette: #BRINGBACKALEX

 

GeorgeW: bring back Alex?

  
ZeroToHero: i’m so done with y’all


	9. George Whisperer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit. A lot happening. Secrets, confusing George, macaroni...

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man ; Burr is Burr

#Ham4Pan: Hello my friends! I am back!

ZeroToHero: Holy shit man, it's pan guy

Turtles: did u just call the love of my life “pan guy”

Burr: Damn straight he did.

Baguette: Never once in my whole life did I think I would see Aaron Burr say “Damn straight”

CngrtsAss: Why'd u have ur name like that for so long Hammy

Turtles: when will the nicknames stop

#Ham4Pan: You can blame John for my previous username.

PureBagel: What'd he do

Turtles: nothing

#Ham4Pan: We made a bet that he could not eat seventeen pancakes. I lost, that username was my punishment.

Macaroni_Man: What was the username

#Ham4Pan: Do not tell him!

CngrtsAss: John ate seventeen pancakes???

Turtles: I almost died but it was worth it.

Macaroni’s_Man: Don't be rude, Thomas

ZeroToHero: wtf r Jeff and Mads doing in here

Baguette: I invited them

ZeroToHero: Why

Macaroni’s_Man: He wanted us to experience “gay culture”

Macaroni_Man: Little did he know we ARE gay culture

Baguette: I knew… I've seen far too much to not know

Turtles: Laf how do you speak GWash

#Ham4Pan: Why do you need to know?

Turtles: He's texting me about that event tomorrow??? I can't understand him

Baguette: What did he say

Turtles: “I ned the waiter mond”

Baguette: He's needs you to call the catering service and tell them the event has been moved to Monday at the same time.

Macaroni_Man: How the fuck did you know that?

ZeroToHero: He's the George Whisperer

Turtles: …

Turtles: Yeah that's what he wanted

CngrtsAss: What the fuck?.??

PureBagel: Teach me how to speak George

Baguette: You don't want to do that

PureBagel: Teach me French Fuck

Baguette: Okay okay. Lesson 1: Learn his kinks. He doesn't know them or how to talk about them, you have to try a lot of stuff.

PureBagel: I CHANGED MY MIND

Macaroni’s_Man: Why

Turtles: I'm interested

Baguette: Well,,,

#Ham4Pan: NO! JOHN LAURENS, DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM!

Burr: I don't want to hear this

CngrtsAss: No one does

Turtles: I do

ZeroToHero: I don't

Macaroni_Man: I mean…

Macaroni’s_Man: He doesn't want to hear that either

Macaroni_Man: What a dick

PureBagel: Ikr

Turtles: Alex and I are going to dinner soon so shut your whore mouths

#Ham4Pan: You do not have to be silent. Our phones can be turned off, John.

Turtles: I know that I just wanted to say “Shut your whore mouths.”

CngrtsAss: Let me save Alex the time, nice punctuation

ZeroToHero: Thomas and James ur usernames r so confusing why are they so similar

Macaroni's_Man: He created this account for me

Macaroni_Man: How could I pass up the opportunity for matching usernames

Turtles: (Private chat to Baguette) “sand and veggie, tel them”

Baguette: (Private chat to Turtles) He means you have to tell them to get the sandwiches and vegetable trays, they didn't last time and he got upset

CngrtsAss: Damn Thomas

#Ham4Pan: John we should have done matching usernames

Turtles: You didnt like that whenever we tried it

#Ham4Pan: “JohnsBitch” is hardly a cute matching username! Especially whenever your username is not even “John!”

Macaroni_Man: Oh my god

#Ham4Pan: Fuck.

Macaroni’s_Man: Alex, even I know that's bad.

#Ham4Pan: It was not my choice.

Turtles: *evil laughter*

ZeroToHero: Hey man, I didn't say anything

PureBagel: We all kept our mouths shut.

CngrtsAss: You have invented a new kind of stupid, Alexander.

CngrtsAss: Congratulations.

Baguette: Things are getting a little wild up in Caillou's house

Burr: How do even know what what weird American children's show is?

#Ham4Pan: What if I was ‘TurtlesKeeper’?

Turtles: sweetie we've moved on…….

ZeroToHero: fuck no Alex

#Ham4Pan: Well, nothing else can match Turtles!

Turtles: and I ain't changing my name

ZeroToHero: “ain't”

Baguette: No Herc, u r the only one we do that to

ZeroToHero: WHY

#Ham4Pan: Sweetie, I will cut you if you say “ain't” again.

Burr: Are we all just going to leave Herc alone in his stand

Burr: I happen to find southern talk endearing

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) Babe

#Ham4Pan: Burr, you disgust me.

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) Too much?

Turtles: lol….

PureBagel: lol.

CngrtsAss: pff

Baguette: haha

#Ham4Pan: What are we laughing about?

Burr: _lol_

#Ham4Pan: _I swear to the Lord in heaven above._

CngrtsAss: YOURE AN ATHEIST!!!!

Turtles: oh **sweetie**

#Ham4Pan: >:(

PureBagel: oh mY GOD?! DID HAMMY JUST USE AN EMOJI?!?!

ZeroToHero: anyway, moving on… let's go back to Alex's suggestion of a shitty username

Turtles: oh poor Hercules

PureBagel: hehe, I love this

#Ham4Pan: You fucking people are a disgrace.

CngrtsAss: we gotta shh or he'll find out

#Ham4Pan: What is there to find out!?


	10. Angery Alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is v bitter but it all works out.

Hamilton is  _ #Ham4Pan _ ; Laurens is  _ Turtles _ ; Hercules is  _ ZeroToHero _ ; Lafayette is  _ Baguette  _ ; Eliza is  _ PureBagel _ ; Angelica is  _ CngrtsAss _ ; Burr is  _ Burr _ ; George is  _ GeorgeW. _

 

#Ham4Pan: I fucking hate all of you, you're the worst friends I've ever had

 

#Ham4Pan: I can't even punctuate correctly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Baguette: I think I know what ur angry about, but aren't we the only friends you've ever had?

 

ZeroToHero: I'm sorry…..

 

#Ham4Pan: Don't you dare apologize to me. You traitorous, jerk-face, asshole-ish douche. 

 

Burr: Hamilton.

 

#Ham4Pan: OH HERE WE GO!!

 

#Ham4Pan: I cannot believe none of you told me! Lafayette, Eliza, how could you?

 

PureBagel: It wasn't my place

 

CngrtsAss: It wasn't our decision to tell you.

 

Baguette: mon petit lion, Hercules wanted to wait until he knew it was real to tell you

 

Burr: We’re not doing this to hurt you.

 

ZeroToHero: This is a serious relationship, Alex. I promise

 

#Ham4Pan: I just didn't know. There was this whole other part of you that you didn't tell me about, Herc. 

 

ZeroToHero: I'm sorry if you're upset, man, that wasn't my intention 

 

Burr: I'm sorry too

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed Burr from the conversation)

 

Burr: (private chat to ZeroToHero ) it's okay. let him cool off. 

 

ZeroToHero: Alex, I'm sorry

 

#Ham4Pan: My anger isn't satisfying when you're being apologetic, you asshole. 

 

CngrtsAss: then don't be mad 

 

Baguette: They really care about your approval, you matter to herc and this wasn't malicious 

 

GeorgeW.: Friendship is important!

 

Turtles: woAh heLLLO there Gwash

 

PureBagel: Long time no see

 

#Ham4Pan: I'm just so upset! Burr?!  _ BURR?!! _

 

GeorgeW.: I have been busy. John was help during th event

 

ZeroToHero: He came on to me. I just went along with it and turns out he's really awesome

 

Turtles: french bread,your husband is killing me Help

 

Baguette: You are the one who allowed him to hire you. You literally signed up for this.

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert says I am a “delight”

 

Baguette: That is true I do say that.

 

#Ham4Pan: Well, as long as you're happy, I guess. I can tolerate Burr a little.

 

CngrtsAss: We've all known for weeks lol

 

Turtles: I've only known for a day hold your duckin tongue

 

#Ham4Pan: You all suck.

 

GeorgeW.: To be fair, Gil and I find out on acident

 

#Ham4Pan: Even Washington knew!?

 

ZeroToHero: Him and Laf saw us on a date

 

PureBagel: I was helping Burr get ready for an unidentified date and Herc called to say he was there

 

CngrtsAss: She told me after that

 

Turtles: I walked in on them about to have sex

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ That’s  _ why you never got the screwdriver.

 

ZeroToHero: We were not about to have sex I wouldn't have sex with burr in the kitchen

 

#Ham4Pan: I'm going to throw up. Holy shit. Ew.

 

Baguette: What about the bathroom? Would you hav sex with burr in the bathroom?

 

ZeroToHero: I would not, could not, in the bathroom. I would not, could not in the kitchen.

 

Turtles: This ain't a Doctor Suess book

 

ZeroToHero: Can I do it now?

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes.

 

ZeroToHero: “ain't”

 

Baguette: ain't

 

PureBagel: ain't

 

CngrtsAss: AINT

 

GeorgeW.: Ain't?

 

Baguette: U r so cute Georgey

 

Turtles: LEAVE ME ALONE

 

ZeroToHero: Shouldn'tve made fun of my southern speak

 

Turtles: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

 

#Ham4Pan: Hey, look, you found another use for that phrase.

 

Turtles: I am proud of myself

 

PureBagel: I want to kiss myself

 

Baguette: UMMMM,,,

 

PureBagel: KILL****

 

CngrtsAss: Eliza. Some things ar meant to be private

 

#Ham4Pan: I do not believe it is possible to kiss yourself.

 

Turtles: Its not

 

GeorgeW.: How do yu kow?

 

ZeroToHero: George do you not have autocorrect on your phone

 

GeorgeW.: What is autocarrot?

 

ZeroToHero: Nevermind

 


	11. Game Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John turns into a game show host and Alex gives the fuck up.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PurgeBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW.

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying there is no reason for anyone to be unhappy with my pizza.

 

CngrtsAss: oh boy, here we go

Turtles: bABe No

PurgeBagel: Alex Tries To Cook: Part 75

CngrtsAss: what the hell

Baguette: eliza!?!? Mon petit bagel!!!!!!!!!!

PurgeBagel: What?

Turtles: you mean part 20385238452908750928347502

#Ham4Pan: I am a wonderful cook!

Turtles: NO LYING YOU SLUT

#Ham4Pan: Did you watch The Purge Eliza?

PurgeBagel: jAWN WATCH UR MOUTH

CngrtsAss: Thats my line

Baguette: there’s so much going on…..

PurgeBagel: Oh ym god my username

PurgeBagel: What happened???????????????

ZeroToHero: y’ALL DO FUCKING REALIZE THAT IT’S SEVEN IN THE GODDAMN MORNING RIGHT

Turtles: tag urself i’m ‘y’

#Ham4Pan: I haven’t slept in two days.

Turtles: no he hasn’t ;)

PurgeBagel: (Changed name to DirtyBagel)

DirtyBagel: look what you’ve done

Turtles: at least the purge is gone

#Ham4Pan: We are currently in different states. How would we have done what you are insinuating?

ZeroToHero: fucking christ on a goddamn shitty pancake

GeorgeW.: Is that a southern thin?

DirtyBagel: Yes, it is…. -_-

Burr: I no longer find southern talk attractive

ZeroToHero: that’s not what you were saying last night

CngrtsAss: that’s why you’re so tired,,,,,,

DirtyBagel: (Changed name to DirtiestBagel)

DirtiestBagel: lord end me now, i am done

#Ham4Pan: I am going to throw up. That is just disgusting. 

Burr: I’m sorry, I didn’t know tired, cranky herc was salty as fuck

Baguette: that is just regular Herc

CngrtsAss: did he drink whisky last night?

DirtiestBagel: nEVER LET HERC DRINK WHISKY

ZeroToHero: i’m going to single handedly murder all of you, except George, he’s cool

GeorgeW.: Thank yo, my freind.

Turtles: YO

Turtles: FREEEEIIND

Turtles: what time is it?

ZeroToHero: Seven int he fucking morning

Turtles: *in sassy, margarita drunk alex voice* no, silly boi

Turtles: *in me voice* IT’’’SSSSSS SHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWTIIIIMMMEE

Baguette: please don’t do this to george, he is a pure man

#Ham4Pan: John, sweetie, no. 

Turtles: Today we’re going to play “What’s the Best George Typo?”

GeorgeW.: Am I the egreoge?

Turtles: Our first contestant is a long time player, ELIIIIZZZZAAAAA

DirtiestBagel: that’s me

CngrtsAss: why are u doing this

Turtles: ELiza, it’s your time to guess the ‘BEST GEORGE TYPO’

#Ham4Pan: My love, please stop.

DirtiestBagel: what are my choices?

Turtles: Your choices are these  
1.)What is autocarrot?  
2.)Thank yo, my freind.  
3.)You cannot live in a group cht,

Baguette: LEAVE MY GEORGEY ALONE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JOHN

ZeroToHero: John did you have that ready to copy and paste you responded so fast

CngrtsAss: Eliza im disowning you for participating in this

Turtles: You have thirty seconds to guess……….

DirtiestBagel: What is “B. Thank yo, my freind.”?

Turtles: Thank you for your guess…. Our next contestant isssssssssssss

Turtles: annnnnnGELLLICAAA

ZeroToHero: oh my GOd

CngrtsAss: Im gonna fucking crush you Eliza

Turtles: Angelica, you have thirty seconds to guess….

Turtles: What is the best typo?

#Ham4Pan: Babe, honestly. 

CngrtsAss: What is “C. You cannot live in a group cht,”?

Turtles: Thank you for your guess, our next contestant is AAARON BURRRRR

Burr: Okay Hero, Im about to WIN FOR US

DirtiestBagel: thats the cutest omfg

#Ham4Pan: You are being so insulting to the POTUS.

GeorgeW.: THis is deligtful.

CngrtsAss: He’s not the POTUS for the LAST TIME ALEX

DirtiestBagel: Are we going to ignore Burr calling herc HERO

Turtles: YOUR TIME IS UP BURR, YOU DIDN’T GUESS, YOU’RE A FUCKING FAILURE

ZeroToHero: YOU DIDNT TELL HIM TO ANSWER

Turtles: I’M IN CHARGE THO

DirtiestBagel: WHY ARE WE SCREAMING

GeorgeW.: Well… what the anwer?

Turtles: BUrr is A LOSER

ZeroToHero: HE IS NOT

Turtles: I have spoken to the judges….. And the answer is DRRUUUMMMROOLLLLLLL PLLLLEEASSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

CngrtsAss: JUST TELL US WHO WON YOU FUCKING DICKMUNCH

DirtiestBagel: *drum sound*

Burr: *bad mouth drum sound*

Baguette: *hands on thighs drum sound*

Turtles: youre all awful

Turtles: the coRRRECT ANSWER ISSSSSSSS ‘A’

Burr: YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT

#Ham4Pan: My John is a wonderful person! He is not a piece of shit!

GeorgeW.: Tat was funn was’t it?

ZeroToHero: HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS LADIES AND BITCHES

Burr: I. Was. Going. TO SAY THAT

Turtles: I win because you’re all awful

#Ham4Pan: John….

#Ham4Pan: (Private Chat to Turtles) You are getting a spanking when I get home.

Baguette: George is uncomfortable

DirtiestBagel: How do you know?

Turtles: (Private Chat to #Ham4Pan) kinky daddy

Baguette: I am currently sitting on his lap

GeorgeW.: That is true but must yu tell al of our freinds tht?

DirtiestBagel: (Changed name to FilthyBagel)

CngrtsAss: is he getting uncomfortable or ……. comFORTABLE

FilthyBagel: THIS IS GETTInG OUT of HaND

#Ham4Pan: Yeah, I know, baby. I can’t wait to smack your ass when I get home.

FilthyBagel: I FUCKING GIVE UP

FilthyBagel: (Left the chat)

GeorgeW.: oh my……….

#Ham4Pan: I don’t even care anymore. If Burr and Herc can be a thing in the chat, I don’t care. 

#Ham4Pan: All of my fucks have been squandered on this fucking relationship.

Turtles: WAit, ours or theirs.

#Ham4Pan: Both, my dearest Laurens. The good fucks have been rightly squandered on our relationship; the bad fucks have been used on the godforsaken relationship between Burr and Hercules.

Turtles: Ok good luv u bby


	12. SayNoToWeiners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say no to weiners, kids.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PurgeBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying, no one seemed to care whenever Jefferson ate an entire pot of macaroni and cheese. __   
  


Macaroni’s_Man: I cared, it was disgusting………….

 

Turtles: You couldn’t move for an hour babe

 

Baguette: wtf is wrong with you mon ami?

 

GeorgeW.: Was it god macroni?

 

#Ham4Pan: Sir, your spelling.

 

Macaroni_Man: Why is Mr. Washington here?

 

Baguette: He’s my fucking boyfriend

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Woah………

 

CngrtsAss: I know someone who was there to witness this macaroni coma Alex was in

 

CngrtsAss: (Added SayNoToWeiners to the conversation)

 

SayNoToWeiners: Well hello guys :)

 

ZeroToHero: SHES UNDER 18

 

Baguette: WE ARE RATED EXPLICIT

 

Baguette: ELLE EST UNE BÉBÉ

 

Macaroni_Man: We are real fucking EXPLICIT

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Thomas!

 

Burr: woah, not cool man

 

PureBagel: MY SISTERS PURE PURE EYES

 

CngrtsAss: THAT’S SISTER YOU DICK BAG

 

SayNoToWeiners: hey, let’s not mention the nasty male nether region, thanks :)

 

Baguette: oh, i should go...

 

#Ham4Pan: LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE THOMAS!

 

SayNoToWeiners: nah, ur cool laffy-taffy, i lik me some bread :D

 

Turtles: NO HES FUCKIN NOT

 

#Ham4Pan: JONATHAN!

 

Turtles: not my name….

 

CngrtsAss: JOHN I’LL KICK UR HEINEY

 

Burr: This is absurd.

 

GeorgeW.: oh, hello pegy!

 

SayNoToWeiners: Mr. W! How are you :)))

 

GeorgeW.: I a well! How ar yu? I hop yo are wel.

 

SayNoToWeiners: i’m gr8, in school still, so that’s sucky

 

GeorgeW.: Ar your studes difffficult?

 

SayNoToWeiners: well, physics is kinda diffffficult, but i’m working hard to pass! :D

 

GeorgeW.: If yu ever need an hlp, I kno dome good tutrs.

 

SayNoToWeiners: oh, Mr. W, you’re too kind, hey, i’ll have mom and angie invite you over for dinner soon!

 

Macaroni_Man: What is happening?

 

CngrtsAss: sHUT U _ P JE _ **_FFER_ ** **_SON_ **

 

Turtles: DONT INTUREPPT ITS R00D!!!!!

 

GeorgeW.: Tat would be lovely, Pegy.

 

#Ham4Pan: SHUT UP, THOMAS!

 

Baguette: Can I come aussi, peg leg?

 

SayNoToWeiners: yeah, of course, laffy-taffy

 

SayNoToWeiners: you just that obsessed with spending time with me, marKEYS? XD

 

Baguette: You are so kind, how could i not enjoy your company?

 

GeorgeW.: Also, he’s my byfreind. :D!!!!

 

SayNoToWeiners:  **_R U FUCKIN SRIUS!_ ** _?!?!? THATS S _ **_O CO_ ** OL

 

CngrtsAss: PEGGY SCHYLER?!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: YOUNG LADY!

 

Turtles: I am so dissapointed….

 

ZeroToHero: We are awful influences!

 

Burr: What a southern way to say that.

 

Macaroni_Man: jesus christ

 

CngrtsAss: DONT TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN WHILE MY BABY SISTERS HERE YOU ASS

 

SayNoToWeiners: Ya’ll asshats do know im in high school right? I hear all kinds of shit every day

 

SayNoToWeiners: like, two people were caught suckin’ dick the other day, this is tame

 

PureBagel: YOUR **_PURE EYES_** OH GOD  

 

SayNoToWeiners: purity is a social construct...


	13. Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Many Things happen

Hamilton is #Ham$Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PurgeBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

#Ham$Pan: All I’m saying is it’s ridiculous that we still have a minor in our groupchat. 

 

CngrtsAss: Shes seen some shit Hammy

 

SayNoToWeiners: i take offense to that

 

Turtles: shouldn’t you be in class?

 

PureBagel: SHE IS IN CLASS AND DEFINITELY NOT SKIPPING AND WITH ME

 

SayNoToWeiners: lol waaaaat, noooooo……...

 

#Ham$Pan: Young lady!

 

SayNoToWeiners: ur not my dad, or my daddy (cause that’s illegal) 

 

Turtles: hoyl siht

 

CngrtAss: CHILD

 

PureBagel: for fucKS SAKE

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my….

 

Baguette: peg-leg pls, georgey almost had a heart attack, you can’t do that to him :(

 

SayNoToWeiners: How would you know?

 

Baguette: because we live together, my sweet peggy

 

SayNoToWeiners: U LIVE together and im just now findinf out about the relationship?

 

#Ham$Pan: That is what I said.

 

Turtles: i love laf and pegs friendhsip, theyre so cute

 

Baguette: thanks

 

SayNoToWeiners: thanks

 

Baguette: JINX

 

SayNoToWeiners: JINX

 

SayNoToWeiners: JINX AGAIN

 

GeorgeW.: My byfreind is really good wih kids :) He will make a gret fater one day :)

 

Baguette: JINX AGAIN

 

SayNoToWeiners: Mr. W, pls, i am not a kid

 

Baguette: George! TU VUEX LES ENFANTS?! AVEC MOI??????

 

GeorgeW.: Well, yes.

 

Baguette: MON AMOUR, JE T’AIME

 

GeorgeW.: I love you too, Gilbert.

 

#Ham$Pan: George, how are you understanding him?

 

Turtles: this is so cute

 

SayNoToWeiners: i don’t know whats going on but, aww?

 

SayNoToWeiners: i changed my mind i am a kid adopt me gay fathers

 

CngrtsAss: no, you’re not allwoed to adopt her

 

Baguette: JE PLUERE

 

GeorgeW.: I’ve lived wit Gilbert for over two months, I piked up french i gues.

 

Baguette:  Qu'est-ce qui se passe??????

 

Hamilton: George just said he wanted children with you. 

 

ZeroToHero: Well, um. Burr and I are moving in together.

 

SayNoToWeiners: wait wait wait. Herc and Burr?????????

 

Burr: Yeah, he’s pretty hot isn’t he

 

SayNoToWeiners: bURR WHAT THE FUck

 

Burr: lol, sorry, i just love bragging about my boyfriend

 

SayNoToWeiners: HOW ARE ALL OF YOU NOT SINGLE

 

Burr: I take offense to that….

 

Baguette: so do i

 

Turtles: i don’t, that’s fuckin funny *high five*

 

GeorgeW.: Anglia is single?

 

SayNoToWeiners: *high five*

 

Turtles: SHIT NO NEED TO CALL HER OUT MAN, GWASH IS A FUCKING SSSSAAAAVVAAAGGGEEEEEEE

 

Turtles: babe, don’t even try me he said i could call him that

 

CngrtsAss: Don’t fucking test me, Boss.

 

#Ham$Pan: I was not going to say anything.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Mr. W, Angelica is having a dry spell so she’s a little cranky

 

PureBagel: I a single as well

 

Baguette: Eliza ur in a relationship w/ the Lord

 

GeorgeW.: wat is ‘dry spel’?

 

Turtles: HAHAHA _ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH _

 

Baguette: NO ONE TELL HIM

 

#Ham$Pan: Alright, it’s time for Peggy to go. 

 

SayNoToWeiners: NOOOOooooOOOoOoOoOOoOooooOO

 

CngrtsAss: u did the crime

 

GeorgeW.: I sill don know what a dryspell is

 

CngrtsAss: bye peggers

 

Baguette: goodbye peg-leg

 

PureBagel: (Removed SayNoToWeiners from the conversation)

 

Turtles: okay, but can we talk about the fact that gwash and laf are planning children adn arent even engagedd

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Turtles) Do not say another word or I will fucking end you.

 

Turtles: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) holy fucking shit

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham$Pan) GWASH THREATENED TO MURDER ME (Image Attachment)

 

#Ham$Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) Bitch, do not ruin his surprise proposal.

 

PureBagel: it’s cute, jawn, leave em alone

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham$Pan)  wait you fuckin know what it is?1!!!!11!

 

#Ham$Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) I know all things, innocent turtle.

 

CngrtsAss: Boss and Lafayette are the cutest couple,,,,,

 

Burr: Tru

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham$Pan) bitch you didnt kno when i proposed to you

 

ZeroToHero: Really? We’re not the cutest?

 

#Ham$Pan: Don’t say that, John, they’ll all find out!

 

Burr: Theyre so pure

 

Turtles: you ABSOLUTE FUCKING DUMBASS

 

ZeroToHero: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

 

CngrtsAss: WHAT SECRETS R U HIDING TURTLE

 

GeorgeW.: ???

 

Turtles: i fucking hate you, ur not getting laid tonight adn ur sleeping on the couch

 

#Ham$Pan: No! I apologize! It was an accident.

 

Baguette: I need answers!!!!

 

Burr: Apologies don’t get rid of your fuck ups (neither do essays asshat)

 

Turtles: too real burr

 

ZeroToHero: we gotta fuckin know

 

PureBagel: Give. Us. Answers

 

Burr: Yeah, you know Hero and I are banging, we gotta know ur shit

 

#Ham$Pan: You do not get to know because you said that. Everyone has lost the privilege of knowledge because of you.

 

Turtles: Did u just call herc “Hero”? Was that a typo????????/

 

ZeroToHero: No………..

 

Burr: We already established that I call him Hero

 

Turtles: Well  _ excuse me _ for not paying attention to your stupidass nicknames

 

ZeroToHero: that’s what he calls me in bed too 

 

#Ham$Pan: (Removed #Ham$Pan from conversation) 

 

Baguette: I am glad peg-leg is gone

 

Turtles: holy shit i think alex just fainted….

 

Turtles: (Image Attachment) 

 

ZeroToHero: i knew i could do it one day babe, i told you

 

CngrtsAss: you took a pic lololol

 

PureBagel: instead of helping him you took a picture…?

 

Turtles: (Image Attachment) See hes fine now

 

Burr: Yes, you did tell me, I’m soooooo proud

 

ZeroToHero: im sensing some sarcasm and i dont appreciate it...

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my….

 

Burr: whatchu gonna do bout it Hero

 

CngrtsAss: GET A FUCKING ROOOOOOOOOOOOOM

 

CngrtsAss: ILL BLOCK U SO FAST I S2G

 

Baguette: Private Chat My Friends

 

ZeroToHero: excuse burr and i, we’ll be gone for a while…. ;)

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtyBagel)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your HECKS REaDY for the next chapter
> 
> -Glenn


	14. The Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title speaks for itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex keeps turning on auto-capitalization on John's phone, so that's what that's about.

Hamilton is #Ham$Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

GeorgeW.: Hello my freinds, I am here toda to includ you in the most importat day of my life. 

 

#Ham$Pan: (Changed name to #Ham4Pan)

 

#Ham4Pan: How did I just notice that? How have none of you commented on that?

 

ZeroToHero: I don't know. What's going on GWash?

 

Turtles: I noticed babe, I’m the one who changed it,,,,,,

 

GeorgeW.: Today is th day I pripose to Gilbert.

 

Turtles: Omg!!!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: John, I cannot believe you. 

 

SayNoToWeiners: I'm happy 4 you Mr. Wash, but why am I a part of this?

 

GeorgeW.: You arr all going to be heling me with proposing t my love.

 

PureBagel: Omg!!!!! That's so great!!!!!

 

CngrtsAss: How can we help Boss?

 

GeorgeW.: Angelia, I ned you to contac the string i orded and tel them 9:00 at the hous.

 

CngrtsAss: Just so I have this right, you want me to call the string quartet service and ask them to meet you at 9:00 at your address?

 

GeorgeW.: Ye. Ale and JOhn, you ned to get Gilbert out of the hose and into the wall.

 

Turtles: Mall you mean?

 

#Ham4Pan: Out of the house?

 

Turtles: i changed it back  _ u f00kin twat _

 

GeorgeW.: Yes, and Aaron and Herc need to cm over and help me st up th stuff.

 

ZeroToHero: So like… ambience?   
  
Burr: I mean I’m happy to help but I thought you hated me

 

GeorgeW.: I do not hat you Aron! I need hel with the ambence.

 

SayNoToWeiners: What are Eliza and I doing?????

 

GeorgeW.: Yur going to hel me writ the speech.

 

PureBagel: Oh my god yes this is the greatest day of my life 

 

SayNoToWeiners: As long as you don’t do that shit where you throw all our work out the window when it gets time to say it, okay?   
  
GeorgeW.: I will not. Thank you all so much for hlping me with this. I wnt Gilbert to neber forget this day.

 

#Ham4Pan: We are here for you, sir.

 

CngrtsAss: I’m always happy to help the Boss.

 

Turtles: I’m here for that gay shit

 

PureBagel: U r so pure georgey ily

 

ZeroToHero: I just want to see laf cry. Take a video pls

 

Burr: He cries all the time he's french Hero

 

GeorgeW.: He crys often, tru.

 

SayNoToWeiners: I just found out about this a week ago and now theyre getting married. wtf 

 

GeorgeW.: I am so happy

 

Burr: Okay damnit that was really cute.

 

GeorgeW.: I hoe he say yes.

 

#Ham4Pan: He will. I am sure he will.

 

 

**_Late(TheFucking)Er_ **

 

GeorgeW.: He will be here in ten minutes I am nt ready elp me please.

 

Turtles: GWash ur ready. U’ve been ready for this for a long time

 

PureBagel: You’ve got this sir.

 

CngrtsAss: We all believe in you.

 

GeorgeW.: I forgot wht im suposed to sya

 

SayNoToWeiners: BITCH DONT DO IT

 

GeorgeW.: I am nervos! I cannt do this. He wil reject me, i will losehim

 

ZeroToHero: Dude I may not know a lot of things, but I know that Laf loves you with every fucking bone in his body. He would die for you. There is no fucking way he won’t say yes to the man he loves asking to spend the rest of his life with him.

 

GeorgeW.: Oh no! I am old!

 

Burr: Okay I’m lost

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert, he is so yougn. He has so much lef to live for, why would he waste his yers on me?

  
  
CngrtsAss: Because he loves you, dumbass. And you’re not even that old you just dont pay attention to things going on in the world

 

SayNoToWeiners: tru

 

#Ham4Pan: Sir, I know you. I know that you stop and give change to every homeless person you pass on the street. I know that you live with less because you give so much to those around. I know that you love him, and I know that he loves you. There is no one else for him. Lafayette will do whatever it takes to be with you. He wants kids with you, sir. He wants a life partner in you.

 

GeorgeW.: Thanky ou, Alecander. I know ill be okay now.

 

#Ham4Pan: You are very welcome.

 

Turtles: Now go propose the fuck out of him!!!!!!!!!

 

GeorgeW.: I will. You are all wonderful to me, and I cannot thank you enough for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We cried writing this.


	15. #StopThePureEyeAbuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex cries a lot...........

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; 

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

ZeroToHero: Laf we do not need that many fucking angles of your ring

 

PureBagel: Omg!!!!! Thats so great!

 

GeorgeW.: Is’t it so petty?

 

#Ham4Pan: You’re engaged?!

 

Turtles: woW lAF

 

CngrtsAss: CngrtsAss!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ZeroToHero: amazING!

 

Baguette: Georgey told me you knew you fucking fakes

 

PureBagel: angie,  _ no. _

 

#Ham4Pan: Fuck you, Lafayette. Congratulations, Mr. Washington! 

 

CngrtsAss: Don’t tell me how to live my life child

 

Turtles: OMFG HAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT IS THE GREATETS USE OF A UESRNAME EVER HAHAHAHAAHA

 

Turtles: can u imagine being  _ so _ fake u tell ur boss cngrts and ur friend fuck u 

 

GeorgeW.: tank you Alecander!

 

ZeroToHero: So, the true question is,,,,,,,,, who’s the best man?

 

Baguette: …………..

 

#Ham4Pan: Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, I will call Adrienne. 

 

Turtles: you bitch ass whore….

 

GeorgeW.: Actually, I wuld lik Alecder to be my bes mn if he woul. 

 

Baguette: SOoooo, anyone else want to fight over me

 

#Ham4Pan: Sir, I would be honored to be your best man. That is the nicest thing you have ever done. 

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) O H MYG OD, JIHN ACUTALLL TEARS ARE STREAMIONG DOWEN MY FACVE I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IM SO HAPY

 

Turtles: omfg Gwash…. My MAN

 

GeorgeW.: Tank ou alec.

 

Baguette: sweetie, he’s probably dying right now, I think you killed him

 

#Ham4Pan: I  _ am _ finee

 

ZeroToHero: OHHH SHIT LOOK

 

CngrtsAss: oh m god

 

Burr: Oh man he must be fucked up rn

 

Turtles: i can confirm

 

#Ham4Pan: yOU WHORE

 

PureBagel: I AM FUCKING SHOOK TO MY GODDAMN CORE LOOK AT THIS

 

Baguette: Eliza…. be my maid of honor?

 

Turtles: i ain’t even mad tho……………..

 

ZeroToHero: Nah, I can’t be either 

 

PureBagel: LAF I CANT FUCKIN FUNCTION WHEN ALEX JUST SAID YOU WHORE WITH IMPROPER PUNCATION AND SPELING

 

PureBagel: but yeah, you bet ur ass ill be ur maid of honor

 

GeorgeW.: this is vry exiting 

 

Burr: Wtf she was gonna be the maid of honor at my wedding

 

PureBagel: lololol pls (i mean i would but,,,,,,,,)

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Turtles) Oh my god oh my go oh em god

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) well, i guess it was bound to happen right? can’t b laggin behind the rest of us….

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Turtles) Youre not engaged he wants to marry me oh my god but later tho bc we havent been dating that long

 

#Ham4Pan: Bitch, please. Eliza will be in no one’s wedding but Laf’s. 

 

PureBagel: hey, don’t speak for me ass

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) ,,,

 

CngrtsAss: this is wild

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Turtles) Youre not engaged?????????

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) ,,,,,

 

GeorgeW.: I sill cannt belive this happnd

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Turtles) oh my GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) you gotta keep ur goddamn ass shut tho, we aint tellin anyone, so shut the fuck up

 

Burr: what is love

 

ZeroToHero: baby don’t hurt me

 

Burr: Dont hurt me

 

GeorgeW.: no mor

 

Turtles: fucking WHAT????????

 

PureBagel: omfg im SOBBING THIS IS SO CUTE WASHINGTON PLEASE

 

GeorgeW.: wit habe i done?

 

Baguette: I get to spend my whole life w/ this man

 

Turtles: Mr. Washington sir, ur under arrest….

 

Turtles: For stealing this man’s (laf) heart.

 

Turtles: *police sirens* 

 

#Ham4Pan: Babe, that is very smooth.

 

Turtles: tank yu

 

Baguette: John i swear to god i will COME AT YOU

 

CngrtsAss: john don’t make fun of George

 

PureBagel: yeAh JaWn doNt MaKe fuN oF geOrGe

 

Turtles: eliza don’t come at me w/those memes ill cut u

 

Turtles:  _ i am the meme king _

 

CngrtsAss: StAY AWAY FROM MY BABY SISTER ILL END YOU

 

Baguette: okay but…. (Image Attached)

 

#Ham4Pan: Christ almighty. 

 

CngtsAss: YOURE AN ATHEIST

 

Turtles: really, cause he was screaming the lords name last night ;)))))))))))))

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtyBagel)

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my…

 

#Ham4Pan: JOHN, THE COUCH. 

 

CngrtsAss: When will the Pure Eye abuse stop

 

Turtles: yeah i kno lololol

 

DirtyBagel: #StopThePureEyeAbuse

 

Baguette: #StopThePureEyeAbuse

 

Burr: #StopThePureEyeAbuse

 

ZeroToHero: #StopThePureEyeAbuse

 

#Ham4Pan: #StopThePureEyeAbuse

 

Turtles: babe how could u

 

#Ham4Pan: You did this to yourself. You made your couch now sleep in it. 


	16. Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm hollering help

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that I sometimes have overwhelming emotions as well.

Turtles: u called me a whore, unironically

Baguette: It was pretty bad

ZeroToHero: Why did that effect u so much

#Ham4Pan: It affected me so much because your mom.

Turtles: OH mY GoD

Baguette: Did u just

Baguette: Use a ur mom joke to avoid talking about feelings

ZeroToHero: AND correct me at the same time

#Ham4Pan: What can I say, I am a man of many talents.

Turtles: ;)))))

Baguette: Why does ur winky face have so many chins

ZeroToHero: Why does ur mom have so many chins

Baguette: My mom is dead

Turtles: ……

#Ham4Pan: Oh, my god.

Baguette: That was a joke response! U all r too serious!

ZeroToHero: Shit man u scared me wth

Baguette: I thought we were memeing! Twas a meme!

#Ham4Pan: `Twas brillig, and the slithy memes  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

Turtles: All mimsy was ur mom,

ZeroToHero: Did u just fuckin meme the Jabberwocky

#Ham4Pan: Yes, I did.

Turtles: We did

Turtles: DAMNIT ALEX!!!!!!

Turtles: u cannot make me be a Capitalizer (capitliizer, more like capitalist)

Turtles: i will never be correct. i’ll always be gay w/ bad grammar

#Ham4Pan: I have to try. You know I do.

Turtles: i know and ur awful okay? lemme live my life 

Baguette: Let his mems be free

ZeroToHero: Me too, mems, me too

Baguette: fight me

ZeroToHero: I willl

Turtles: Im hollering help

#Ham4Pan: Only if I can watch. ;)

Turtles: that- that was a lot

Baguette: okay 

ZeroToHero: Sorry, Aaron says no

ZeroToHero: But I totally would

#Ham4Pan: Yes.

Turtles: What

Baguette: Kinky 

Turtles: babe no, babe stop, babe what

Baguette: I doubt George will approve 

ZeroToHero: Holy shit imagine how pissed hed be id be deeeead

Turtles: I don't approve 

Baguette: No let's not u fucker, I'm engaged

Baguette: (Image Attached)

#Ham4Pan: Um?

Turtles: Laf

Turtles: Laf!!!!!!!!!

ZeroToHero: ?????

Turtles: LAF IS THTA YOUR PENIS 

Baguette: wink wink mother fuckers

ZeroToHero: IM TELLING GEORGE

#Ham4Pan: I feel so assaulted.

Baguette: didn't even mean to lolol, just snapped a pic of the ring

ZeroToHero: Youre just casually chating with ur dick out?

Turtles: im gonna die, why are U NAKED

Baguette: I'm chatting with other people too ;)

Baguette: George likes it, he goes wild for dirty pics

#Ham4Pan: No, no, please stop. I cannot handle this.

Turtles: especially at work right? that's how i rile alex up 

Baguette: He likes it when the ring is in the pic

Turtles: likes the fact that he claimed u right? ;))))

#Ham4Pan: Please do not reveal my secrets!

ZeroToHero: Holy shit 

Baguette: hammy likes dirty texts at work now does he?

Turtles: oh yeah

Baguette: So does George

#Ham4Pan: This is an outrage!

ZeroToHero: holY shIT

Baguette: Can’t wait for him to get home lol

#Ham4Pan: No! No! No!

ZeroToHero: Aaron always panics and thinks someone is gonna find his phone so I cant text him

Turtles: r u the one to tease?

Baguette: You bet ur freckled ass I am

ZeroToHero: But we do call, mostly on the way home from work.

#Ham4Pan: You know what? I can tell you things about John. He sometimes has me call him princess.

Baguette: I dont call George, hes much too confident when hes speaking out loud, over text, i have the high ground.

Baguette: Damn Herc didnt think ud do anything like that

Turtles: alEX U ASSHOLE

#Ham4Pan: This is only part of what you’re getting.

Baguette: Damn John ur one kinky motherfucker

ZeroToHero: So is Alex. A match made in hell

Baguette: fuckin TrU

Turtles: i might have him call me princess, but he calls me daddy sometimes too

#Ham4Pan: It was one time! Once, and never again!

Baguette: Oh my GOD

ZeroToHero: daddy john 

Turtles: okay maybe I shouldnt have said that dont meme the daddy thing

Baguette: did you know that the phrases ‘forgive me father for I have sinned’ and ‘sorry daddy I've been bad’ mean the same thing 

ZeroToHero: Laf what the fuck 

#Ham4Pan: Very different connotations, however.

Baguette: Pretty similar w/ George tho. He doesnt understand much

Turtles: LAF WHAT THE FUCK

ZeroToHero: Aaron would call me daddy if I asked him to, we talked about it 

Turtles: listen y’all r gross but honestly im here for that Healthy Communication

Baguette: wHY

#Ham4Pan: Of course he would. 

ZeroToHero: shut up you called john daddy 

#Ham4Pan: One time! He has called me daddy several times, and not always ironically!

Baguette: Communication is everything 

Turtles: that's only when he's good to princess tho

ZeroToHero: Bro nO

#Ham4Pan: Daddy is always good to princess.

ZeroToHero: Stop It right now Alex 

Baguette: Oooooo Georgey is almost home gotta go prep

Turtles: OMFG JEKFLWLWLELMF

#Ham4Pan: Use a good amount of lube, don't get hurt. 

Baguette: Yes daddy alex 

Turtles: NO NO NO NO NO NO

Baguette: ;))))))))) byyyeeeeee

#Ham4Pan: Goodbye. 

ZeroToHero: And Aaron just texted me.

ZeroToHero: Nothing sexual we’re out of cereal

ZeroToHero: I’m gonna go

Turtles: bye Hero

ZeroToHero: Do not do that. Don’t start that please no

#Ham4Pan: Have fun at the store, Hero.

ZeroToHero: (Removed ZeroToHero from the conversation)

#Ham4Pan: So, John, we are alone now.

Turtles: yes daddy we are

Baguette: still reading these…. haven’t left yet……….

Turtles: (Removed Turtles from the conversation)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry at all. This is hilarious
> 
> -Glenn


	17. GWash Seal of Approval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelia's secrets...

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW.

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying that none of you noticed when John called me “Ham-Man” the entire dinner.

 

CngrtsAss: I mean it fits

 

PureBagel: I just cannot with this

 

GeorgeW.: I m engaged!!!

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact

 

Turtles: wash stop being so fucking cute

 

Baguette: I am also engaged!!!!!

 

Baguette: bam, sla _ pped with a wedding fact _

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) I almost want to tell them just to stop this nonsense.

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) me too but we shouldnt. dont wanna overshadow the french fry and his cinnamon roll

 

ZeroToHero: Y’all have got to stop I’m dying

 

Burr: Even I have to admit this is adorable

 

#Ham4Pan: That is surprising, considering you are a cold-hearted man.

 

ZeroToHero: You leave my man alone Hammy I got shit on you

 

PureBagel: **_None of that!!! Not again!!!_ **

 

ZeroToHero: No not like that!!!!! Funny stuff

 

Baguette: “Funny”

 

#Ham4Pan: I can confirm that this shit would not ruin my relationship.

 

Turtles: might make it better ;))))))

 

CngrtsAss: Y does your smiley have so many chins

 

Baguette: Because my mom is dead

 

Turtles:  _ AFUI HKOEFUIKHVS _

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my lord

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert wht are you taking about?

 

#Ham4Pan: That was funny, Laf.

 

Baguette: George honey im fine it was a joke

 

GeorgeW.: Oh,, yes. Tat.

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Ar you sur you are alright?   
  
Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Yes babe im fine

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Oka, I love you.

 

Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) I love you too dork

 

CngrtsAss: Im just gonna ignore that, whatever it was

 

PureBagel: U should tell them

 

Turtles: tell us what

 

CngrtsAss: I…

 

Burr: Angelica now you gotta tell us

 

CngrtsAss: Idk if I should…

 

ZeroToHero: Don’t leave us hanging

 

CngrtsAss: I met someone.

 

Turtles: OH  _ SHIT! _ 11!!!!!!   
  


#Ham4Pan: Tell us more!

 

GeorgeW.: Angelia you ar no lnger single?

 

CngrtsAss: I mean I’m not sure how serious it is but I guess not

 

Baguette: YES! We must all interrogate him now

 

CngrtsAss: For the love of fuck do not do that

 

Burr: What is his name?   
  
PureBagel: John Barker Church

 

Turtles: I found his facebook

 

#Ham4Pan: I have his Twitter.

 

Baguette: Oh he has a tumblr

 

CngrtsAss: Please stop

 

Turtles: So far so good, into #Equality ™

 

#Ham4Pan: He tweets about baseball a lot. Other than that, I like him.

 

Baguette: He reblogs a lot of ally stuff, good with queer support

 

Burr: His mother seems nice. She loves reading

 

ZeroToHero: OH MY GOD BABE WHY   
  
Burr: Listen I can be protective of her too

 

PureBagel: Also he’s kinda rich,,,,,,,,,

 

Turtles: hm….

 

#Ham4Pan: I approve!

 

Baguette: I do as well

 

Burr: I like him

 

Turtles: I think hes good

 

CngrtsAss: Thank u all for that. I hate you

 

GeorgeW.: Oh yes I kno this mn. His mothe is in my book club.

 

CngrtsAss: Do  _ you _ like him Boss?

 

GeorgeW.: Yes, he is a vey nice mn.

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact

 

Baguette: Well honestly if my fiance likes him why did we go through all of that

 

#Ham4Pan: It was  _ truly _ pointless.

 

Turtles: GWash seal of approval= A+ date

 

Burr: When do we get to meet him?

  
  
CngrtsAss: You fucking weirdos its been like two weeks wth is wrong with you

 

#Ham4Pan: That did not answer his question.

 

CngrtsAss: Soon just dont be so strange around him okay

 

Baguette: I cannot make any promises, désolé


	18. Private Chats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time two new people's usernames are given, that's a private chat between those two people. Some wedding talk, some domestic Lams talk. It's fun, promise.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles 

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is I don’t eat cereal every meal of the day. This means that you must have consumed all of it.

 

Turtles: lies, you spread awful lies babe

 

#Ham4Pan: John! You are literally the only suspect!

 

Turtles: Alex! Mayyyybbee laf broke in an’ ate all our cereal, remember when he stayed with us?

 

Turtles: he fuckin pigged out on my coco pebbles

 

#Ham4Pan: That was three months ago!

 

Turtles: doens’t he have a key to our place tho……

 

Turtles: jus’ sayin

 

#Ham4Pan: I am sure Washington keeps him well stocked with cereal, John.

 

Turtles: nah, he told me gWash cooks real breakfast w/eggs n shit

 

#Ham4Pan: Okay, maybe you are correct.

 

Turtles: it ain’t my fault bitch has got a cravin for cereal 

 

#Ham4Pan: Please, stop for once.

 

Turtles: WAIT WAITWAIT AWIT WAIT

 

Turtles: i’m what, you said i’m what? Im  _ whAT _ ????

 

#Ham4Pan: I do not know what you are speaking of.

 

Turtles: (Image Attached) i got dem recEIPTS BITCH

 

#Ha4Pan: I love you, but I hate you.

 

Turtles: love you too babe, but srsly tho, get cereal while ur out, we legit need some…

 

 

Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Burr is Burr 

 

Burr: My dad is drunk off his ass and everyone is laugh-crying

 

ZeroToHero: This is your adopted dad right

 

Burr: Yeah, he convinced my adopted brother to play flippy cup, I can’t handle this rn

 

ZeroToHero: Sounds like it’s fun. Wish I was there

 

Burr: ……. You wanna meet me family?

 

ZeroToHero: Well, yeah, we’ve been dating for a couple months

 

Burr: That’s…. I’m… I’m speechless

 

ZeroToHero: Babe, of course I want to meet your family. I love you.

 

Burr: No, I don’t think you understand.

 

ZeroToHero: Explain….

 

Burr: This is my adopted family, they chose to have me and my siblings, they chose to love me

 

Burr: They mean so much to me because they took me in when they didn’t have to

 

Burr: You choose to be with me, you chose to stick around, and for you to want to meet these people who aren’t even related to me means so, so, soooo much. I really, really appreciate the fact that you even want to meet them

 

ZeroToHero: You are the most amazing man I have ever met. I want to be a part of your life in every way possible, forever. Is your family cool with us?

 

Burr: Oh, my God, I’m crying from emotions not cry-laughing

 

Burr: Yeah, they are, their oldest biological daughter is married to a woman she’s been with for years

 

ZeroToHero: I wish that you were home so I could kiss you. I am so happy.

 

Burr: Just a few more days, Hero, so impatient

 

ZeroToHero: I just love you so much.

 

Burr: I love you too

 

ZeroToHero: I hope they like me

 

Burr: I know they will Hero. 

 

Burr: Hey, they’re forcing me to participate in drinking games, and they threatened to take my phone so, I’ll let you go to bed

 

ZeroToHero: Okay yeah, I am pretty tired. But it was worth it to talk to you

 

Burr: Isn’t it really late? Go to bed, Hero, Jesus

 

ZeroToHero: Still worth it

 

Burr: Yeah, I’m always worth it, ;), goodnight

 

Burr: I love you

 

ZeroToHero: I love you

 

 

Lafayette is Baguette ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

SayNoToWeiners: when u bringing ur boyfriend for dinner???

 

Baguette: Fiancé**** Soon peg-leg

 

SayNoToWeiners: laaafffyyyy ttaaffffyyyyyyyyyyy the house is boring without your flaming flamboyantly homo self

 

Baguette: We are both so swamped with wedding prep it’s hard to find the time my sweet peggers

 

SayNoToWeiners: so u don’t luv me

 

SayNoToWeiners: i c how it is

 

Baguette: No! Are you free July 10th????

 

SayNoToWeiners: hmm, lemme check my calander *flips through several pages, hums for a while* yes!

 

Baguette: Thank god. 

 

SayNoToWeiners: so, when u pickin out the dress tho?

 

SayNoToWeiners: coz i gotta b present 4 that

 

Baguette: Bitch ur one of my bridesmaids did I not already tell u that

 

SayNoToWeiners: BITCH F **_UCKING WHAT_ **

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact

 

Baguette: Well duh??? Eliza is my MOH the Schuyler Sisters are my bridal party hello

 

SayNoToWeiners: im crYING IN CLASS U FUCKIN FRENCH BREAD

 

Baguette: U should have seen how Alex reacted to being Georgey’s best man

 

SayNoToWeiners: ohm  y go d my teacher jsut askd if i was okay

 

SayNoToWeiners: IM SOOOOBBBBBBBBBBIINNNGG

 

SayNoToWeiners: aodghakldjajksdhgfalsdgfaueyrgfhjkadnbvcxalghryoweihjgaksdf

 

Baguette: Do not cry! I am going to be a bridezilla! U wil hate me!

 

SayNoToWeiners: laffy taffy i could never hate u

 

Baguette: U will finally get to meet my friend from France. You will love her

 

SayNoToWeiners: U MEAN UR HOT FRIEND ADRIENNE

 

SayNoToWeiners: ya i will ;)

 

Baguette: U ARE UNDERAGE

 

SayNoToWeiners: bitch whens the wedding

 

Baguette: September 26???

 

SayNoToWeiners: ill be 18

 

Baguette: That is still a six year gap you strange child!

 

SayNoToWeiners: look in the mirror u dumb boy

 

Baguette: Touché

 

SayNoToWeiners: pllleeeeeeaassseee hook me up with Adrienne, i drool over ur pics on insta of her

 

Baguette: I will… inform her of your adulthood

 

SayNoToWeiners: shes so hottttttttt

 

Baguette: Please allow her a slight adjustment. Her english is not as flawless as me

 

SayNoToWeiners: Je parle une français, bitch. 

 

Baguette: Merde, Pegs. Alright then just go for it

 

SayNoToWeiners: no, no, i’m still a child, and i’ve got a better chance if u introduce me

 

Baguette: I meant at the wedding you fuck

 

SayNoToWeiners: oh lololol, okay well, im goin to a class i actually have to pay attention in

 

Baguette: I can still hype u up tho

 

Baguette: TTYL

 

SayNoToWeiners: HYPE ME THE FUCK UP, ILY BITCH

 

 

Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss 

 

CngrtsAss: Peggy just texted me she didnt know we’re Laf’s bridal party

 

PureBagel: wtf hoowwww?

 

PureBagel: Wait, Laf just texted me that, and I quote, “Pegleg is thirsting after Adri”

 

CngrtsAss; Idk how she didn’t know, but shes crying

 

CngrtsAss: who TF IS ADRI

 

PureBagel: I mean I cried too

 

PureBagel: Adri is Adrienne, Lafayette’s french friend we all thought he was banging for like .2 seconds

 

CngrtsAss: Sis is 17

 

CngrtsAss: Oh shit the wedding is after her B-Day

 

PureBagel: Adrienne is actually p cute, and Laf speaks very highly of her so...

 

CngrtsAss: This better not be bad for my lil sis

 

PureBagel: If it is we can blame Laf and cut his dick off

 

PureBagel: It won’t matter because Washington is hardcore top

 

PureBagel: Plus it’ll be after the honeymoon anyway

 

CngrtsAss: AFOIAFWFHOE ELIZA PLeASe StOP

 

PureBagel: lololoolol srry

 

CngrtsAss: I hat eyou

 

PureBagel: Love u 2

 

CngrtsAss: John just texted me……… He wants to go on another date

 

PureBagel: Do u know what color our dresses will be?

 

PureBagel: Good touch or bad touch

 

CngrtsAss: Peach and gold

 

PureBagel: Laf will look sooooo goooood in peach, and George is a man who deserves gold in his life lol

 

CngrtsAss: Neutral touch?   
  
CngrtsAss: (Image Attached [  [ http://cdnsb.shaadibazaar.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/wedding-dress1-e1391798022129.jpg?x69607 ](http://cdnsb.shaadibazaar.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/wedding-dress1-e1391798022129.jpg?x69607) ] )

 

PureBagel: Neutral? Do u not like him or????

 

CngrtsAss: I mean he’s just really nice and safe but I’m not 100%

 

PureBagel: HOLY SHIT THATS EFFIN GORGEOUS

 

PureBagel: Don’t settle just bc he has money….

 

CngrtsAss: No it’s not the money I can take of myself. He’s just so good that I want to be with him, I can’t tell if it’s that I know I  _ should _ be with him or if I  _ want _ to be

 

PureBagel: Ah, I seeee, well, I can’t help you, other than trust ur heart, ur heart knows best

 

CngrtAss: I’m so hype for Laf’s suit shopping

 

PureBagel: Pegs just texted me, she failed her algebra test, :( ice cream cheer up?

 

CngrtsAss: Duh. Maybe we should just castrate Laf now for making her mess up

 

PureBagel: The hype will never end for Laf’s wedding

 

PureBagel: Nah, let’s  _ at least _ give Washington the honeymoon

 

CngrtsAss: They’re gonna be having their fifty year anniversary and we’re all gonna be like !!!! WOO

 

PureBagel: *%^* Laf & George *%^* we will be forever hype - love everyone

 

CngrtsAss: Didn’t Laf put u in charge of invites

 

PureBagel: SHIT MONKEY ON A FUCKING TRICYCLE RIDING PAST MOTHER MARY AND BABY JESUS

 

CngrtsAss: Do it.

 

 

Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW.

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: Got a little present for you, Georgey

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my...

 

Baguette: Do you like this color for the wedding?

 

GeorgeW.: It’s a ggood colr on yu

 

Baguette: I’m sure it’d look better on the floor

 

GeorgeW.: Woudnt tat be bad for teh lace?

 

Baguette: Would you care?

 

GeorgeW. Depnds on wher u ar...

 

Baguette: I’m at home in the bedroom, waiting for you.

 

GeorgeW.: I stil have anther hour f wrk… 

 

Baguette: You own the company, come home early for me?

 

GeorgeW.: I… I rally shuldnt

 

Baguette: I want you.

 

GeorgeW.: Baby, tats not fair

 

Baguette: Please

 

GeorgeW.: Say that again

 

Baguette: Please Georgey

 

GeorgeW.: One mor tim, an i’ll considr it

 

Baguette: Please Georgey, I want you.

 

GeorgeW.: So needy, se u in half an hur

 

Baguette:  I’ll be waiting :)

 

GeorgeW.: You pla dirty, youl be payig the pirce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen,,, Peggy is so not innocent
> 
>  
> 
> -Glenn


	19. Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the group learns about the military background of Angie and Wash

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW.

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that we have a disproportionate number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.

 

Burr: Yeah, three bridesmaids and two groomsmen

 

GeorgeW.: No, we hve three groom, Aron you ar a gromsmn.

 

Burr: Oh my god what

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact

 

Burr: This is so amazing thank you Mr. Washington

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) This is honestly the happiest I’ve been in my whole life. I am so grateful for this I love my life

 

CngrtsAss: Laf, with the wedding fact thing, plEASE

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) Listen I am happy that you are happy but you sound so white right now

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, please stop. You slapped a muffin out of my hand because of a wedding fact. 

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) Suddenly, I hate everything

 

Baguette: I am not even sorry...

 

PureBagel: ‘Twas an innocent muffin that u brutally murdered

 

#Ham4Pan: ‘Twas brilig….

 

Baguette: STOP

 

Turtles: listen, i am a meme lord, bUT SToP jeSuS

 

ZeroToHero: With the Jabberwocky poem, please stop jerking off to literature

 

Turtles: you should see our library, it’s awful, smells like a teenage boys room

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m not even ashamed. 

 

Baguette: Hey, HEYL ET’S FOCUS ON THE BRIDE PLEASE

 

GeorgeW.: I alwys focus on u

 

PureBagel: IM SOOOBBBINNGG STOP BEING SO CUTE

 

Turtles: THIS IS SO GR8

 

CngrtsAss: Christ

 

ZeroToHero: y’all honestly 

 

Burr: There’s that southern talk

 

ZeroToHero: Babe don’t make me come over there, get that smug smile off your goddamn face

 

PureBagel: Get a room

 

Turtles: r u 2 texting while in the same room

 

#Ham4Pan: NOT IN MY HOUSE, NO BURRCULES HERE!!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: But, John, we’re doing the same thing.

 

CngrtsAss: BURRCULES!?!???!?!?!??!!?

 

Turtles: i came up w/that, isn’t it gr8, its thier ship name

 

ZeroToHero: I want to die

 

Burr: I like it…….

 

ZeroToHero: Babe no do not support this

 

PureBagel: It’s cute...

 

ZeroToHero: You have all betrayed me

 

#Ham4Pan: Despite my distaste for Burr, I do like it. Though, I may be biased as my boyfriend came up with it. 

 

Baguette: It is nice

 

GeorgeW.: Very god

 

Turtles: alex no

 

#Ham4Pan: Haha, John. I am funny. Aren’t I?

 

ZeroToHero: haha

 

Turtles: alexstoptalkingrightnowohmygod

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Turtles) Y’all are slick lol

 

CngrtsAss: wtf Lams, also, Laf the schuyler sisters love the dress

 

Turtles: so laf is wearing a dress then

 

Baguette: Yes! The attention where it belongs! I am wearing a dress, the bridesmaids are all wearing suits

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: How progressive of you, Laf.

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) oH SHIT I FORGOT U KNEWLOLOLOOL

 

Baguette: Thank you, Alex :D

 

GeorgeW.: I’m werin my army unform

 

#Ham4Pan: You’re going to look amazing!

 

PureBagel: Oh mYgOd Washington ArmY???

 

Baguette: Yes he did. He looks so great in his uniform I love him so much 

 

GeorgeW.: Served this great country for ten long years. 

 

Turtles: anyone else notice that when he starts talking about Laf or Murica that his spelling becomes top effing notch

 

CngrtsAss: Leave this sweet old man alone

 

GeorgeW.: I dont kno what yur taling about Jhn

 

Turtles: fight me angelia

 

#Ham4Pan: I wouldn’t go there if I were you, John. Angelica is a force to be reckoned with. (Plus she served six years in a Marines Special Task Force.)

 

Turtles: Holy shit WHAT

 

PureBagel: My sister is a fucking badass john, she could break u in half

 

GeorgeW.: Angelia! You served? This is great!

 

CngrtsAss: I’m not actually allowed to discuss it much, but yes. I did serve, and I could kick John’s ass

 

GeorgeW.: What unit were you in?

 

CngrtsAss: That’s classified, Boss.

 

Turtles: hoLY SHITLAKSDJFA;LKDSJ

 

GeorgeW.: I m glad yu are in carge of my securit tem.

 

Turtles: what did u do??

 

CngrtsAss: That’s classified info my dear turtle

 

#Ham4Pan: John, almost everything she did will be classified.

 

PureBagel: She literally can’t tell us anything except that she served in a special task force

 

Turtles: This is fUckiNg wiLd

 

Turtles: Two people I know couLD LITERALLY END ME 

 

CngrtsAss: Don’t piss me off

 

Turtles: i think i just shit my pants 


	20. John Barker Church

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Angie's new boyfriend!

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; John (Church) is Rthrbnlndn

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is it’s absurd that someone is staying in my home without my permission.

 

Turtles: alex honestly please leave my mother alone, i know u don’t like her but PLEASE

 

Baguette: Ugh, your mother is an awful person

 

ZeroToHero: Yeah, she’s bleghhhh

 

GeorgeW.: Surly she cnt b tat bad.

 

Baguette: Babe, the first time she met me she told me that I was an awful person because I couldn’t pronounce anarchy correctly

 

CngrtsAss: Yeah, no, she’s horrible

 

PureBagel: I cried the first time I met her

 

Burr: I hate her, she made the purest person I know cry

 

PureBagel: Awww burrrrrrr

 

Turtles: lol y’all havent even met my dad

 

#Ham4Pan: I have. Please do not remind me. I’m shuddering. 

 

ZeroToHero: Wtf man

 

Baguette: No one is as bad as my mom

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert, yur moter is pased awy

 

CngrtsAss: UR MOM IS FUCKING DEAD

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, I cannot believe how many jokes you make about your dead mother.

 

Baguette: She was a terrible person

 

Turtles: *terrible parent high five*

 

Baguette: *high five*

 

Burr: Omfg that’s sad

 

PureBagel: Why is this funny

 

CngrtsAss: Eliza… no… what the fuck

 

PureBagel: I’m not sorry

 

#Ham4Pan: What is wrong with you?

 

GeorgeW.: I hve lovly parnts. 

 

PureBagel: HES SO CUUUTTTTEEEEEEEEEE

 

#Ham4Pan: Your mother is a wonderful cook. 

 

Baguette: I can confirm his parents are really fucking nice

 

Baguette: Wait wtf Ham

 

Turtles: babe wth

 

GeorgeW.: He cmes over fro dinner on Fridays.

 

#Ham4Pan: Plus she brings muffins for Mr. Washington and I steal one. 

 

ZeroToHero: Thievery

 

GeorgeW.: My muffns!

 

PureBagel: aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH

 

CngrtsAss: Ham youre the worst

 

Burr: And you say I’m heartless

 

ZeroToHero: How dare you Hamilton

 

#Ham4Pan: Honestly, fuck off Burr.

 

Baguette: You steal my fiancé’s food and get angry when you get called out. Fuck off Alexander

 

#Ham4Pan: He told me a while back that I could have a muffin when I wanted one. Plus, he never eats them all. 

 

Burr: John Barker Church would never steal muffins from Washington

 

PureBagel: Holy shit burr do you want to start a war

 

CngrtsAss: Please don’t bring John into this

 

Turtles: yeah, dont bring me into this lol

 

CngrtsAss: My john you fuckhead

 

PureBagel: Your John??????

 

Burr: OH DAMN

 

CngrtsAss: Do not read too much into that

 

Turtles: bitch ur already left on readd……………

 

PureBagel: Left on read omffgggg

 

GeorgeW.: Lft on read?

 

#Ham4Pan: “Left on read” is a reference to the moment whenever you are texting someone and you are notified that they have read your message but they do not respond. Usually because they are upset with you or do not want to talk to you. 

 

Turtles: omg Gwashhhhhh

 

ZeroToHero: I’m so tired……………...

 

PureBagel: Angelica always leaves me on read...

 

CngrtsAss: I do not!

 

#Ham4Pan: Angelica, what the fuck?

 

Turtles: WHAT A DOLPHIN

 

Burr: Even I don’t do that

 

Baguette: Hey, guess what

 

GeorgeW.: What Gilbert?

 

Baguette: (Added Rthrbnlndn to the chat)

 

Baguette: bam, slapped with a wedding fact

 

CngrtsAss: John I am so sorry I cannot control them 

 

Rthrbnlndn: what is going on

 

Baguette: John Barker Church, would you steal muffins from George Washington?

 

Rthrbnlndn: The George Washginton? why would i steal muffins from him? he’s amazing

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my….

 

Turtles: wtf

 

Rthrbnlndn: is that The George Washington???!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!???!??

 

CngrtsAss: John…. honey

 

GeorgeW.: Tis I.

 

Rthrbnlndn: holy shit, hello, ohmy god, it’s sucha n hono r ot meet you

 

CngrtsAss: For the love of fuck John we’re going to his wedding together

 

Rthrbnlnd: oh y god ashdfjalksjdaskdjfa

 

#Ham4Pan: Okay, listen, just because John Barker Church wouldn’t steal from Mr. Washington doesn’t mean anything. PLUS HE SAID I COULD HAVE MUFFINS. 

 

GeorgeW.: I am s flttered, Mr. Chrch

 

Rthrbnlndn: wait who is marrying who

 

Baguette: He is marrying me,  **_Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette_ ** . Step off,  _ John Barker Church _ .

 

Rthrbnlnd: you’re a lucky man. 

 

Baguette: Oh… merci beaucoup 

 

CngrtsAss: Laf chill he’s straight

 

Turtles: is he really tho…. whats his username mean

 

Rthrbnlndn: rather be in london

 

PureBagel: U make a compelling argument John (Laurens),,,

 

ZeroToHero: get fucking wrecked John Barker Church

 

Rthrbnlndn: why do you all say my full name?

 

#Ham4Pan: I don’t know, John Barker Church, why do we always say your full name, John Barker Church. It’s such a strange thing, isn’t it, John Barker Church?

 

Rthrbnldn: stop, it’s weird…?

 

Turtles: u cant control us, John Barker Church

 

GeorgeW.: Yu jus hve 2 go w the flow, Jhn Barker Chrch, they call me Gwash

 

PureBagel: What’s wrong with ur name, John Barker Church?

 

CngrtsAss: I hate all of you

 

CngrtsAss: (Removed Rthrbnlndn from the conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: He’s going to have a heart attack. I swear I told him it was your wedding, Boss.

 

GeorgeW.: I lok forwd 2 meting hm. Dos he own Barkr Inc?

 

Baguette: He better watch his step,,, But I love him Angie what a great guy

 

CngrtsAss: He does, it’s a business he started himself

 

GeorgeW.: Tel hm Im imprssd

 

CngrtsAss: He’s going to cry, your’re his idol

 

PureBagel: Wash ur such a sweet old man

 

GeorgeW.: Im only 5 yrs oldr than Angelia?

 

CngrtsAss: UR 35????????

 

#Ham4Pan: You all didn’t know this? 

 

Turtles: OH MY GOD WHAT

 

Burr: What the fuck

 

GeorgeW.: Dd yu all thin I ws an old mn?

 

Burr: I mean we love u GWash, but we thought u were like 40

 

GeorgeW.: :(

 

Baguette: YOU ARE ALL SO MEAN TO HIM I HATE YOU

 

Turtles: NO GWASH DONT BE SAD UR LIKE OUR DAD, WE EFFING LOVE U PLS OMG I WONT B ABLE 2 LIVE WITH MYSELF IF UR SAD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

PureBagel: No, don’t be sad GWash, we love u!!!!

 

ZeroToHero: No dude you don’t look old! We love you!

 

GeorgeW.: :)

 

Turtles:  HOLY SHIT THAKN THE LORD, I  AM EFFFINGG NSHOOOOK

 

Burr: Laurens chill what the fuck

 

Turtles: This IS UR FUCKING FAULT BURR, HOW DARE YOU INSULT GROUPCHAT DAD LIKE THAT?! 

 

Burr: It wasn’t on purpose! You all were saying similar things!

 

Baguette: You are the worst Burr

 

#Ham4Pan: :).

 

Turtles: did u JUST FUCKING PUT APERIOD WITH A GODDAMN SMILEY WHAT 

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, I did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh... this is kind of late. Sorry about that, we've both been traveling and unable to access computers.
> 
> -Glenn


	21. Burr's 'Rents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone stop these people, so much is going on

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. 

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying that John’s mother is not allowed to come to the wedding.

 

Baguette: she is not invited, don’t worry mon ami

 

Turtles: you all are so mean to here,,,

 

GeorgeW.: We re inviting evryone else’s parnts, jst not Johs

 

Baguette: Yeah Georgey, John’s parents are massive dickheads

 

Turtles: cmmoonnnn Gwash

 

#Ham4Pan: This is why Mr. Washington is the man!

 

GeorgeW.: Sorry, Jhn, Gilbert dosnt lik her so cnt invt hr

 

ZeroToHero: GWash and Laf are so cute for real

 

CngrtsAss: You really want to invite Hercules’ mother?

 

PureBagel: Listen, Dad may be a little confused as well but he’ll love it

 

ZeroToHero: Hey! You leave momma mulligan alone!

 

Burr: Hero’s mom is the nicest person on this whole planet you leave her the fuck alone

 

CngrtsAss: She got me fuckin’ fruitcake for my birthday

 

ZeroToHero: You should be happy that she blessed you with her glorious cooking

 

Burr: She really likes fruitcake!

 

GeorgeW.: Whst abiut you Aron? How ae yor parets?

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) You okay?

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) Yeah, of course. Happens all the time

 

Baguette: babe, no

 

CngrtsAss: Uh…….

 

#Ham4Pan: Mr. Washington, sir.

 

Burr: Well, Wash, my biological parents have passed, but my adoptive parents are the sweetest, and I’m sure they’d be delighted to be invited

 

GeorgeW.: Ia m so sorry! 

 

Turtles: burr u rhymed, ur a fuckin poet

 

#Ham4Pan: You’re a poet, and didn’t know it. Make a nickel, or a dime, or a quarter overtime. 

 

Turtles: alex, actually fuck off, you sound like a fuckin granpa

 

PureBagel: we should be in a rap musical…. alll these rhyme, gives us plenty o’ time

 

CngrtsAss: Rap musicals aren’t a thing, Eliza.

 

#Ham4Pan: That would be fucking amazing. 

 

GeorgeW.: I wul d lve 2 nvite ur adptve parets, Ari

 

ZeroToHero: GWash, you’ll love Aaron’s Mom

 

Burr: Mr. Washington, sir. You are so nice. I’m sure they’d love that

 

Baguette: Herc! You’ve met Burr’s rents??????

 

Turtles: wHAT THE FUCK 

 

#Ham4Pan: Christ. They’re moving faster than we did, John. 

 

CngrtsAss: You’re an atheist, Alexander

 

PureBagel: omfg, they, OMfG , SlJFsdjG

 

Turtles: And we moved pretty damn fast ;))))))))))

 

CnrgtsAss: Eliza, fuckin breathe

 

Burr: My mother is a lovely person….

 

PureBagel: Cannot bREaThE too GREAT,,,,,,,,,

 

CngrtsAss: Look what you’ve done, Herc

 

#Ham4Pan: We always move pretty fast.

 

Turtles: yeah, with every milestone

 

Burr: Glad John elaborated……...

 

ZeroToHero: ,,,,,,,,,

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) shut the fuckkkk uppppp heerrcccccc

 

Baguette: I hope Burr’s mom won’t complain about the seating like someones fuckin parents,,,

 

Burr: why,,,, the,,,,, commas,,,,,

 

ZeroToHero: I’ll tell you later

 

Turtles: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) u will NOT U FUCKIN WONT 

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert, be nce, m mom wsnt tryng to b rud

 

Turtles: omfg, what

 

ZeroToHero: Still kinda shook we’re meeting GWash’s parents

 

CngrtsAss: It’s weird to think he has parents….

 

PureBagel: I still think he appeared, fully grown, at the doorstep of the military one day

 

Burr: He’s always been a dad

 

Baguette: no, you guys haven’t seen baby pics, they’re the cutest

 

Baguette: (Image Attached)

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert, stop ambarassing me

 

PureBagel: I HAVE DIED AND I CANNOT BE BROUGHT BACK, THIS IS THE CUTEST FUCKOIAG ALSDJFAGJAJKFGHJGH

 

CngtrsAss: This is crazy, the pics are on a diGITal CamErA

 

Turtles: this is a thing i didn’t know i needed

 

Baguettte: (Image Attached)

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert! Why mist you do ths!

 

Baguettte: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: bc u are the cutest, Georgey

 

PureBagel: SOBBBBINNNNGGGGGGGGG

 

Turtles: gwash is the cutest baby ever omfg, whattttt

 

CngrtsAss: He’s so young and small.

 

#Ham4Pan: I didn’t want to comment, as the POTUS seems to be against it, but John is correct. He is a very cute baby.

 

Baguette: It’s fine, I’ll pay for it later ;)

 

CngrtsAss: NOT THE FUCKIN PPPOOOOTTTUSUS ALEx

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert!

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) Yes, you will, Gilbert. 

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to PurestBagel)

 

PurestBagel: nothing is purer than this,,,,,,,

 

CngrtsAss: How was this dad a baby at one point…. HOW

 

Turtles: no ones gonna talk about the kinky thing?????

 

#Ham4Pan: No, John. Be quiet. 

 

ZeroToHero: I can’t handle both of these things at once… I fucking can’t do it

 

Burr: “Oh, my…”

 

Baguette: LEAVE MY GEORGEY ALONE, I S2G ILL FUCK U UP I SWEAR SOMEONE HOLD ME THE FUCK BACK OH MY GOD THIS BITCH DARES

 

Turtles: yo that sounds like when GWash threatened to kill me for almost ruining the engagement 

 

#Ham4Pan: They are very serious about each other. Don’t test them. Plus, Laf is a lot scarier when he’s defending Mr. Washington. 

 

Baguette: Are we forgetting how Georgey is literally trained to kill you?

 

PurestBagel: (Changed name to PureBagel)

 

CngrtsAss: What is even going on anymore

 

PureBagel: also, if Laf can’t beat you up, you bet ur ass that Angie will step in and wail on you for him

 

CngrtAss: Don’t speak for me Liza. If Laf can’t beat you, I’ll step in and kick your ass Burr

 

Burr: I take it back, Christ, Herc, protect me from ur scary friends

 

Turtles: but bro, ur our friend too…

 

Burr: wait…  really….

 

#Ham4Pan: I suppose, Burr. Plus, with the way Herc looks at you, it seems like we’re stuck with you.

 

CngrtsAss: Yeah

 

PureBagel: you’ve been in the groupchat for a while, and Herc is obsessed with you so…. 

 

Burr: This is so nice

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) I have legitimately never been more happy or fulfilled these people are so kind to me now I love you

 

ZeroToHero: -______________-   u fuckin people

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) You’ve never been more fulfilled…. I take offense to that, I thought I did that

 

GeorgeW.: I’ve enjyed getin to kno yo Arin. 

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) I mean you’ve certainly FILLED me

 

#Ham4Pan: Alright, that’s enough. I’m going to throw up. No more talk about how much we love Burr. 

 

Baguette: This is all VERY sweet but I still need a guest list

 

Burr: See that’s how I know Hammy cares :D

 

CngrtsAss: An emoji?

 

#Ham4Pan: Oh, you’re the literal worst, Burr.

 

PureBagel: I’m coming

 

Baguette: Guest. List. EliZA YOU FUCKING WHORE I KNOW YOU”RE COMING

 

PureBagel: :(

 

CngrtsAss: Don’t call my sister a whore. I’ll literally cut your dick off and shove it down your throat. 

 

GeorgeW.: Angelica...

 

CngrtsAss: I won’t, just because George spelled my name right for the first time ever

 

Baguette: Also becuase Georgey will always defend my honor

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, she could probably torture you for days. Don’t test her.

 

Burr: If Laf calls Gwash Georgey one more time i’m going to throw myself off a cliff

 

CngrtsAss: what the hell are you on a about Mr. “I call Herc ‘Hero’”

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) look what i just ordered (Image Attached)

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) John, I am at work. 

 

Burr: My nickname isn’t as bad as “Georgey”

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) ur on ur lunch break fuck offff

 

ZeroToHero: Babe… it kinda is...

 

GeorgeW.: Well, lnch brak is ovr. We mst get bck 2 wrk.

 

Baguette: Do we haaaaave to

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) I’ll see you when I get home, princess

 

GeorgeW.: Yes Gilbert, e have a compsny to run

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) see u then ;))))))))))

 

Baguette: :(

 

PureBagel: :(

 

#Ham4Pan: :(.


	22. Bitch, The Fuck?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just The Bros again. laf needs to chill

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; 

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that it’s unnecessary to ridicule my music choices.

 

Turtles: u weRE BLASTING TOXIC BY BRITNEY SPEARS WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP

 

Baguette: What the fuCK

 

ZeroToHero: Hammy, you’ve reached embarrassing levels of white girl

 

#Ham4Pan: All John listens to is shitty rap and William Belli. 

 

Turtles: i am a bottom

 

Baguette: I love that song!

 

#Ham4Pan: Of course you two would love it.

 

ZeroToHero: what song

 

Turtles:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aQ-TC4x2fA ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aQ-TC4x2fA)

 

#Ham4Pan: Why did you have that ready to paste so fast!?

 

ZeroToHero: … lets see

 

#Ham4Pan: DO NOT LISTEN TO IT, HERC! IT IS TRASH!

 

#Ham4Pan:  NO! HERC! NO!

 

ZeroToHero: This isn’t what I was expecting but I’m not really that surprised

 

Baguette: It’s great isn’t it

 

Turtles: don’t u love it

 

ZeroToHero: Not really my song, you know, but I can see why you like it

 

#Ham4Pan: Hercules, why?

 

#Ham4Pan: John you may be angry at my music choice, but you have awakened me several times with that song as well. You play it far too often.

 

Turtles: i’m  _ holllleerrrinnnggggggg _ at ur music choices

 

Turtles: u always fuck me after tho so, it’s worth the salt

 

ZeroToHero: Seriously Alex, you let him have his way

 

Baguette: I should play this song for Georgey, record his reaction

 

#Ham4Pan: NO YOU SHOULD FUCKING NOT!

 

Turtles: YES YOU SHOULD FUCKING YES

 

Baguette: He’s at the store getting bread but when he gets back I will. I’ll video chat you all

 

ZeroToHero: The poor man, tops just don’t get it

 

Turtles: i like how we dont even entertain the idea of laf being a top

 

#Ham4Pan: Why would we? He likes the song, doesn’t he?

 

Baguette: I probs should take offense to that, but I won’t, also WILLIAM BELLI IS AN AAARRTTTISSSST

 

#Ham4Pan: More like f-artist.

 

Turtles: that was so fucking bad

 

Baguette: are yoU FIVE

 

ZeroToHero: I am the only adult here

 

#Ham4Pan: No, you are not. Lafayette is an adult.   
  
Baguette: But I don’t act like it

 

Turtles: DADS, WE R UR SMOL CHILDREN   
  
ZeroToHero: I will not entertain your daddy kink   
  
Baguette: What about mine

 

ZeroToHero: Maybe……………………

 

#Ham4Pan: WOAH!   
  
Turtles: i thought gwash said no to that

 

Baguette: Hey there, daddy ;)

 

Baguette: Georgey said no to sex, not to a daddy kink

 

ZeroToHero: Nvm then

 

Turtles: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH FUCKIN’ 

 

Turtles: HAHAHAHAHAH ME TOO

 

ZeroToHero: But for real no more of this shit

 

#Ham4Pan: ;).

 

ZeroToHero: No, Alex, stop it

 

Turtles: will you  **_PLEASE_ ** stop putting a period at the end of your emojis

 

#Ham4Pan: Never. :D.

 

Turtles: there is NO WAY TO MAKE EMOJIS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT WHY DO YOU TRY

 

#Ham4Pan: There is. This: :).

 

ZeroToHero: WoAh, domestic dispute, alright ladies, calm down

 

Baguette: It’s discourse time you guys

 

Baguette: Grammatical disposition of emojis: Punctuation or Punctuated

 

#Ham4Pan: DISCOURSE IS MY FAVORITE!

 

Turtles: obiv their punctation :)

 

ZeroToHero: I’m with John

 

#Ham4Pan: How dare you, John? We are trying to have proper discourse here! Your grammar is atrocious!

 

Turtles: i aint no normal dicourse man

 

#Ham4Pan: I refuse to debate with you if you will not take this seriously.

 

Baguette: Alex, this is about emojis. How could this be serious at all

 

ZeroToHero: I don’t even know whats happening anymore

 

#Ham4Pan: IT IS DISCOURSE, MY DEAR HERCULES. HOW COULD SOMEONE NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!

 

Turtles: woah, don’t b callin any udder man dear

 

Baguette: Now I understand why Alex gets into so many twitter wars

 

#Ham4Pan: Udder. 

 

#Ham4Pan: Udder?

 

#Ham4Pan: UDDER?

 

#Ham4Pan: UDDER?!

 

ZeroToHero: Someone please stop him

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ UDDER?! _

 

Turtles: ‘s wot i said m8

 

#Ham4Pan: I am so upset. John, you have upset me.

 

Baguette: WAIT SHUT THE FUCK UP GEORGEY IS BACK

 

Turtles: gasp

 

#Ham4Pan: DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT LAF!

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my god

 

#Ham4Pan: PLEASE, DON’T DO THAT TO HIM!

 

Baguette: He’s coming into the room. I’m gonna start recording

 

ZeroToHero: You are ridiculous

 

Turtles: HAHAHA _ HAHA _ **_HAHAH_ ** **_AHAAH_ **

 

#Ham4Pan: He’s been gone for a while…

 

Turtles: did u just use an ellipses 

 

#Ham4Pan: IT’S STILL CORRECT, YOU  _ HEATHEN _ .

 

ZeroToHero: I think someone is sleeping on the couch tonight

 

Baguette: (Video Attached)

 

Turtles: “gilbert what is this?”

 

Turtles: ME TOo GWASH FUC I CNAT BREATE

 

ZeroToHero: He looks legit shocked at the language. He is legit shocked by cussing I hate this

 

Turtles: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE’S FUKCN JMAMNG THO

 

Turtles: HE BOBBN HIS GDAMN HEAD tHO

 

#Ham4Pan: I do not wish to speak to the French Fuck anymore.

 

Baguette: He loves it. I’m playing it again.

 

ZeroToHero: Laf why would you do this

 

Turtles: IM  **_HOLLLLLLLEEERRRRINNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG_ **

 

Turtles: I MA DINYG SOMOEN CLAL AN LAMLANCE

 

#Ham4Pan: John, you are staring at your phone laughing. You are not “hollering.”

 

#Ham4Pan: Although, he does sound like a dying seal. 

 

#Ham4Pan: He just hollered. He’s laughing harder now. 

 

#Ham4Pan: He’s on the floor now. You’ve killed my turtle. 

 

Baguette: THIS SONG WILL BE OUR FIRST DANCE SONG

 

Baguette: BAM SLAPPED WITH A WEDDING FACT

 

ZeroToHero: I can’t. 

 

ZeroToHero: (Removed ZeroToHero from  the conversation)

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, if you do that I will abstain from your wedding.

 

Turtles: but youre gwash’s best man.

 

#Ham4Pan: That is a fucking point, John. I will not speak to Lafayette at the wedding if he does that.

 

Turtles: (Added ZeroToHero to the conversation)

 

Turtels: im fucking dying i just remembered the person performing the ceromony has to say laf’s full name send help

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my fucking god youre right. RIP Priest

 

Baguette: What is hard about  Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette?

 

ZeroToHero: There’s a fucking comma IN YOUR NAME

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, your name is hard to say, even for someone who is fluent in three languages.

 

Turtles: bitch do you have your name ready to copy and paste

 

Baguette: Yes, yes I do

 

Turtles: IF YOU HAVE TO COPY AND PASTE UR NAME ITS TOO LONG OKAY

 

Baguette: My name is beautiful and perfect! You all WISH you had my name!

 

ZeroToHero: We really do not

 

Turtles: i mean, we could split up and share it?

 

Baguette: your loss fuckers

 

#Ham4Pan: How much of your name did Washington say when he proposed?

 

Baguette: Well, he tried to say it. He pronounced “Motier” “Moat-E-Air” but I still love him

 

Turtles: Someone is gonna have to coach the priest on how to say your name

 

ZeroToHero: At least GWash had all of it memorized…

 

Baguette: well….

 

ZeroToHero: He didn’t did he

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf has to copy and paste it, what do you think?

 

Turtles: how does one aqcuire such a long name anywho

 

Baguette: I have Catholic French parents, they baptized me, and gave as many saint’s names as possible, all the ones who could protect me in battle

 

ZeroToHero: That is so fucking funny

 

Turtles: man, what the fuck kind of battles you gon b fightin bitch

 

#Ham4Pan: The battles for equality.

 

Baguette: I actually think they wanted me to be a soldier……..

 

ZeroToHero: HAHAHAHAHAH

 

Baguette: But theyre dead now so who cares?

 

Turtles: BRO WTF

 

Turtles: did they hurt you? did they not love you? why are yoU SO GODDAMN CHILL ABOUT YOUR PARENTS BEING DEAD MAN

 

Baguette: Nah man they were cool, just like not very influential, you know?

 

ZeroToHero: shit man… made it fuckin real

 

#Ham4Pan: Christ, I never met my dad, and my mom died when I was young but… Shit, I don’t joke about it.

 

Baguette: Listen, guys, I’m okay… Adrienne and her family helped me… I haven’t ever been without a family, I’m okay, and if I don’t find humor in my life then why be happy

 

Turtles: fuckin surrgoate fam up in this bitch

 

ZeroToHero: We’re your fam now, Laf, we’ll always be here for you man

 

#Ham4Pan: Maybe I should joke about my dead family more too.

 

ZeroToHero: Even when we crotchety and old and shit, yeah John an Alex will still be bangin, GWash will be ancient, and we’re still gon help you decide what bowtie looks best with what vest so you can look hot for yo man

 

Turtles: we’re ur gay sons, remember?

 

Baguette: Damn, Herc is gettin’ real southern,  _ y’all _ see it poppin up?

 

#Ham4Pan: Hercules you have never sounded gayer.

 

ZeroToHero: This is all because Aaron encourages it. I try to be  _ kind _ to you all and  _ this  _ is how you repay me?

 

Turtles: *yall

 

ZeroToHero: John, i swear to your mother….

 

Turtles: the awful bitch?

 

Baguette: Why would you swear to her?

 

ZeroToHero: Hey, Laf, Alex and John ar engaged

 

Baguette: BITCH THE FUCK

 

Turtles: NOO ITEHOWSHOFQW UQguipseu vnj gsE WERE NOT

 

#Ham4Pan: BITCH, THE FUCK?!

 

Turtles: fucckkkkkk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck me I'm s c r e a m i n g Laf's name is killing me
> 
> -Glenn


	23. So Many Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many goddamn things happen

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Burr is Burr ; George is GeorgeW. ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying George does not understand that concept.

 

Turtles: no one explain it

 

GeorgeW.: I wold like to knoe what it neans

 

Burr: Mr. Washington, how do you veen type like that

 

CnrgtsAss: No one tell him what it means.

 

Burr: Now I get it

 

ZeroToHero: Babe, honestly….

 

#Ham4Pan: I just want to know why ‘rusty trombone’ came up in conversation.

 

Baguette: I can tell him in person

 

SayNoToWeiners: I’m gonna tell him

 

PureBagel: Peggy you shouldn’t know what that means!

 

SayNoToWeiners: How many times do I gotta tell y’all fuckers, I’m a Gen Z highschooler that spends a lot of time online. I know a lot of things I “shouldn’t”

 

GeorgeW: Someone jst tekl me wat ruty rombne neans plwase.

 

Turtles: please translate laf

 

Baguette: Someone just tell me what rusty trombone means please.

 

ZeroToHero: Ha! Told you that’s what he was saying. You owe me ten, Angie

 

CngrtsAss: Fuck you

 

Baguette: I was trying to tell Georgey what to do, okay? He doesn’t have the language

 

Burr: We are working people

 

Turtles: JESUS CHRISTMAS

 

#Ham4Pan: You do that _at work_?

 

SayNoToWeiners: see… thats somethin i shouldnt know

 

GeorgeW.: Nw you have to tel; me what iut neans

 

Turtles: is he getting worse??

 

ZeroToHero: I think so

 

Baguette: He only has one hand right now

 

Burr: FUCKING CHRIST LAFAYETTE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU

 

Baguette: Not like that! I brought him a bagel!!!!!!

 

ZeroToHero: Could you say ‘fuck’ one more time?

 

Burr: I fucking could, but…. Fuck… I’m just so alsdkfj

 

GeorgeW.: Its  goof bagel.

 

Turtles: burr u sound like me stop

 

PureBagel: The meme of it all killed him.

 

#Ham4Pan: I have seen and read things today that have almost killed me.

 

CngrtsAss: Seen?

 

PureBagel: I think you shouldn’t ask

 

Turtles: AHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA, dont relive that please it was embarrassing enough the first time

 

#Ham4Pan: Well, be a normal person, John. It won’t be a problem then. I won’t have to walk in and see things like that.

 

GeorgeW.: Still fo not kno whst it means!

 

Turtles: afdasldfkjasfakshfkjgeriuobmn shut up alex

 

ZeroToHero: Do I wanna know? I feel like I don’t but I’m curious

 

Burr: You don’t wanna know I’m assuming

 

Baguette: It’s when you rim someone and also jack them off

 

GeorgeW.: Wht is rim?

 

Turtles: ……...

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my… Gilbert tld me jst mow am sorry so srry

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtiestBagel)

 

SayNoToWeiners: This is so fucking funny someone end my life

 

CngrtsAss: WATCH UR LANGUAGE

 

#Ham4Pan: I cannot handle these things right now.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Fuck off Angel

 

CngrtsAss: CHILD I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GROUND YOU

 

#Ham4Pan: Don’t forget about John and his embarrassment.

 

SayNoToWeiners: UR NOT MY DAD

 

Turtles: these memes im hollering

 

DirtiestBagel: What happened with John

 

ZeroToHero: GWash you okay?

 

GeorgeW.: No

 

Turtles: ALEX YOU TELL THEM AND I SWEAR TO GOD ILL LEAVE YOU

 

#Ham4Pan: Laughing out loud. I won’t tell them. (I am trying to ignore the Mr. Washington thing.)

 

Burr: For the love of fucking god Alex just say fucking lol

 

DirtiestBagel: What is going on anymore

 

#Ham4Pan: YOU ARE NOT MY DAD OR MY DADDY, BURR. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

 

Baguette: I am gay

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron is nobody’s daddy if you know what I mean

 

Burr: I do NOT call Hero daddy for the love of fuck

 

SayNoToWeiners: AHAHAHAH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE OMG I LOVE YOU

 

Baguette: Don’t you though…..

 

Baguette: I’ve called Herc daddy

 

GeorgeW.: Excuse me.

 

Burr: Fuck

 

ZeroToHero: Oh ym god sir not like that pleas dont hurt me

 

Baguette: I’m cackling, his face, he’s red, GEORGEY I LOVE YOU

 

GeorgeW.: Mine.

 

DirtiestBagel: ohmm yg od

 

Baguette: Mon dieu, s’il vous plait, niquer

 

Baguette: Pardon Georgey and moi

 

ZeroToHero: Holy fucking shit I’m so dead Aaron help me protect me I’m gonna get murdered I need the lord’s prayer

 

Burr: You did this to yourself, I am not praying to anyone

 

Turtles: no he didnt ajafojshoh it was for the memes save him

 

#Ham4Pan: I just heard several thunks from Mr. Washington’s office, then a moan.

 

#Ham4Pan: I really dislike sharing a wall with him.

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf is speaking in French, and I will not translate what he is saying for the sake of Eliza’s and Peggy’s pure eyes.

 

SayNoToWeiners: No translate it

 

Burr: NO DON’T

 

DirtiestBagel: I mean… I wouldn’t complain

 

#Ham4Pan: He just… He said master and I am _EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE_.

 

ZeroToHero: No MoRe TRANSLATING

 

SayNoToWeiners: MORE MORE MORE MORE

 

CngrtsAss: Please do not I already hear enough about Boss’ sex life from his innocent questions

 

DirtiestBagel: OH MY GOD WHAT A CUTIE

 

#Ham4Pan: I am offended that he does not ask me. But, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.

 

Turtles: i feel so bad for angie dont be jealous of her she is in pain

 

DirtiestBagel: I just walked past his office, oh my gdo no mroe stranlating fuuuOHmyg  GoD

 

#Ham4Pan: Why don’t our windows open. I want to jump out of one. Why?!

 

CngrtsAss: I am about to go down there and interrupt them for some bullshit reason

 

Turtles: for every1s sake pls

 

Burr: What does Gil even do at that place

 

ZeroToHero: Distract Boss

 

ZeroToHero: And Gil????

 

Burr: We’re like…. Bros now

 

Turles: yeah man theyre best m8s didnt u kno that

 

ZeroToHero: Reason 23434624562345123463456 that I wished I worked with my boyfriend

 

DirtiestBagel: (Changed name to PureBagel)

 

PureBagel: How cute omg, just get married already

 

CngrtsAss: I could hook you up, Herc.

 

ZeroToHero: I like my job

 

Turtles: wait what do u do

 

Turtles: y dont i kno that?????!?!?

 

ZeroToHero: ………….I………...work…….

 

Turtles: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

 

ZeroToHero: um…………….don’t worry about it

 

PureBagel: He deals scarves (not drugs dont think like that you filthy people)

 

CngrtsAss: Why didn’t you say pugs, it would’ve rhymed

 

Burr: I know what he does ;)

 

PureBagel: Breeding and selling animals is wrong, Angelica, get with the program.

 

CngrtsAss: IT RHHHYYMMMESS, I DIDN’T SAY I ENCOURAGED IT

 

PureBagel: I will not compromise my morals for a senseless meme

 

Burr: I know what he does ;)

 

Turtles: we saw the first time you said it

 

Burr: I’m better than you all

 

#Ham4Pan: ANGIE STOP THEM PLEASE, LAFAYETTE KEEPS GETTING MORE GRAPHIC, I’M GAGGING.

 

Turtles: at least ur the only one that can understand him

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron, be nice

 

Burr: And George, don’t forget that George knows some French from living with Gil oh my GOD THATS HOW HE LEARNED FRENCH

 

Burr: And don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my daddy remember

 

ZeroToHero: I will fight you, and I don’t mean fight

 

Burr: MR. WASHINGTON LEARNED FRENCH FROM DIRTY TALK HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT SEX WITH ME RIGHT NOW

 

Burr: _I’M CRACKING THE CASE_

 

#Ham4Pan: He just said something that I don’t think even Mr. Washington will want to hear.

 

#Ham4Pan: And I won’t tell you because I’m using an envelope opener to gouge it out of my brain, so excuse me...

 

Turtles: alex baby no come back dont do that

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron…………….. Fisticuffs

 

Burr: I just headdesked stop it

 

SayNoToWeiners: Okay now I have to know what he said

 

#Ham4Pan: No, it’s out of my brain. There’s blood and dirty French words on my desk. And brain matter.

 

#Ham4Pan: Oh fuck my whole goddamn fucking life Thomas Jefferson just came into my office.

 

#Ham4Pan: He looks terrified. He opened his mouth and won’t close it. He has crooked teeth.

 

Turtles: omfg i forget Jeffy knos french

 

#Ham4Pan: I think he’s going to cry. JEFFY?

 

Turtles: yup, call him that… it’ll b real funny

 

ZeroToHero: Angie stop them

 

CngrtsAss: I literally cannot. I tried knocking on his door but I don’t think he heard me

 

#Ham4Pan: ThOMAS FUCKING JEFFERSON JUST FUCKING THREW UP IN MY OFFICE. ANGELICA SCHUYLER FUCKING FIX IT RIGHT THE FUCKING FUCK NOW.

 

Burr: I texted Jimmy

 

Turtles: who tf is Jimmy

 

PureBagel: Jimmy?

 

Burr: Madison. James Madison you guys wtf

 

ZeroToHero: WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH ALL YOUR COWORKERS YOU HATED THEM TWO MONTHS AGO

 

Burr: I feel invigorated by my new happy life

 

Turtles: w _oah their herc turn down the green man_

 

ZeroToHero: I’m not fucking jealous, fuck off John

 

Burr: :/ I mean you kind of are.

 

#Ham4Pan: Madison is here, he is hugging Jefferson. I’m leaving. I’m going home. I’m not doing it.

 

Turtles: i called Sally

ZeroToHero: I’m not jealous. I’m perfectly fine with you being friendly with all of your coworkers. You work with them. It’s fine. I’m fine.

 

PureBagel: Wait who’s Sally.

 

Turtles: the janitor, shes really nice

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) Hero are you okay

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) I’m fine.

 

CngrtsAss: That’s it. I’m unlocking the door. I’m busting in.

 

#Ham4Pan: Herc has always been a jealous man, ever since I’ve known him.

 

CngrtsAss: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT I SHOULD _NOT HAVE DONE THAT_

 

Burr: (Private chat to ZeroToHero) Are you sure you’re okay?

 

SayNoToWeiners: This is the funniest thing I have ever experienced.

 

PureBagel: Aren’t you in school?

 

SayNoToWeiners: Sure, yep, I am definitely in school right now. Class is in session. I am learning so so much.

 

CngrtsAss: Fucking hell oh my god I think I’m going blind but they stopped okay _god_

 

CngrtsAss: PeGGY

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) I said I’m fine.

 

SayNoToWeiners: HAH BYE

 

SayNoToWeiners: (Removed SayNoToWeiners from conversation)

 

PureBagel: Angelica…

 

CngrtsAss: I CANT DEAL WITH BOTH OF THESE THIGNS AT ONCE GODDAMN IT

 

Turtles: wait did alex actually go home

 

#Ham4Pan: (Image attached)

 

Turtles: NO TEXTING AND DRIVING ILL FUKCIN HURT YOU

 

#Ham4Pan: I was at a stop light!

 

Turtles: WAS!!!!!!!!!!

 

PureBagel: Pegs just texted me saying ‘save me from her wrath’

 

#Ham4Pan: You are right. I will be back soon.

 

CngrtsAss: I…. I …. I can’t deal with this, I can’t dela with alll of thses thigns

 

CngrtsAss: I am going to start crying

 

CngrtsAss: We’re all gonna get sued because of this oh man our poor employees

 

Turtles: someone calm her down she’s having a panic attack

 

CngrtsAss: I AM FINE JOHN I AM FINE EVERYTHING IS FAN FUCKING TASTIC OKAY

 

CngrtsAss: WERE ALL GONNA LOSE OUR JOBS

 

CngrtsAss: FOR FUCKS SAKE DOES NO ONE REALIZE THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION

 

CngrtsAss: WASHINGTON IS GOING TO LOSE HIS WHOLE REPUTATION AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF _THIRTY-FIVE_

 

Turtles: someone CaLm HER DOWN

 

PureBagel: Angie I’m coming to you

 

CngrtsAss: ASDLKJF IA M FI N E E LI Z A SCHUYLER GO BACK TO WO RKIN G WHILST YOU HA VE A FUCK ING JOB

 

Turtles: did she jsut say whilst

 

PureBagel: The only people that could hear it were us and the Jeff squad

 

GeorgeW.: I wuld lik o apoligze

 

CngrtsAss: OH MY _GO D_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is wrong with us
> 
> -Glenn


	24. Soft Wedding Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laf invites Adri to meet his bridesmaids over text

Lafayette is Baguette ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Adrienne is BalletBitch

 

Baguette: The wedding is soon my maids!

 

CngrtsAss: I'm not anyone's maid

 

SayNoToWeiners: Tru tru

 

PureBagel: I'm excited

 

Baguette: I am very excited!!!

 

Baguette: Also nervous but do not tell Georgey that

 

SayNoToWeiners: Y r u nervous laffy taffy

 

PureBagel: You've got nothing to be nervous about

 

CngrtsAss: Betsy’s right. We're is going to make this the best day of your life

 

Baguette: Thank you, but I'm not worried about that. What if George leaves?

 

PureBagel: What????

 

Baguette: He just seems so flighty right now

 

SayNoToWeiners: He would never leave you

 

CngrtsAss: If you must know, Boss has actually expressed concern that  _ you _ are going to leave

 

Baguette: Oh mon dieu, I would never do that why would he even think that I love him

 

PureBagel: Yeah, well we told him that

 

Baguette: Merde. My poor Georgey. I need to make this wedding perfect for him.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Bitch that's why we're here. You just do your bride thing and relax

 

Baguette: I'm mcfreakin’ ready

 

PureBagel: Laf please I know we're supposed to support you no matter what right now but WHY did you just say “mcfreakin’”

 

Baguette: I am blending into American culture you fuckers

 

CngrtsAss: Nice blending, fucker

 

SayNoToWeiners: I'm ready to mcfreaking  _ die _

 

PureBagel: You said the wedding was um September 26 right?

 

Baguette: Mon dieu Elizabeth Gertrude Schuyler if you fuck this up I will mcfucking end you

 

PureBagel: Kidding kidding kidding dont hurt me

 

CngrtsAss: Okay so we’re fine Laf everything is cool

 

Baguette: Don’t spook me I am dying

 

SayNoToWeiners: We’ve got this dude. Don’t worry

 

Baguette: I will still worry but thank you for the sentiment

 

Baguette: I want… lilies

 

PureBagel: I can do lilies

 

SayNoToWeiners: I can do Lily

 

CngrtsAss: Who’s Lily

 

SayNoToThis: ;))))))

 

Baguette: What about Adriene

 

SayNoToWeiners: That’s months away

 

Baguette: Bruh

 

CngrtsAss: Please stop trying to sound American

 

PureBagel: No keep going its really funny

 

SayNoToWeiners: Please stop you sound like John

 

Baguette: I care about John but I do not want to sound like him so I will stop

 

Baguette: Oh oh oh have a combined French-American flag on the um

 

Baguette: The thing!!

 

Baguette:  Comment dit-on signe de la passerelle en anglais 

 

CngrtsAss: Laf both people that normally translate for you are not in the chat

 

Baguette: Merde

 

SayNoToWeiners: ¿Quieres decir “el letrero de bienvenido?”

 

Baguette: Si! 

 

PureBagel: What

 

CngrtsAss: Laf what the hell

 

PureBagel: We still don’t know what you were trying to say

 

Baguette: It’s a sign that welcomes people, but it has a special name

 

CngrtsAss: a… gateway sign?

 

Baguette: SI

 

Baguette: I mean OUI

 

Baguette: I MEAN YES

 

SayNoToWeiners: Tu eres gracioso Laffy Taffy

 

Baguette: Merci, mon Pilon

 

SayNoToWeiners: la pierna de estaca

 

Baguette: The leg of peg, pff, French has a word for it, take that

 

SayNoToWeiners: shut your fuck

 

PureBagel: We have veered way off course

 

CngrtsAss: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

 

SayNoToWeiners: I TOLD YOU YOU’RE NOT MY DAD

 

Baguette: I think anything that hasn’t already been planned should be french/american

 

CngrtsAss: Red white and blue doesn’t really go with peach and gold

 

SayNoToWeiners: You haven’t gotten the cake yet you dumb

 

Baguette: FRENCHAMERICAN CAKE

 

SayNoToWeiners: If you have a french american cake i’m not coming

 

Baguette: Adriene will agree with me !!!!!

 

Baguette: (Added BalletBitch)

 

Baguette: The wedding…. Should the stuff that’s not planned at this point just be French-American

 

BalletBitch: Bon-fucking-jour americans. 

 

SayNoToWeiners: (Private chat to Baguette) oh m _ y gO _ **_SH_ **

 

BalletBitch: You fucking bet your goddamn ass it should.

 

BalletBitch: YK fuck peach and gold, let’s make the whOLE THING FRENCH AMERICAN

 

CngrtsAss: I like you, yet I don’t

 

BalletBitch: Angelica Schuyler (Eventually Going To Be Church, I Bet Your Fucking Ass) I like you, despite what Gilly says about you

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to FuckYeahBagel)

 

FuckYeahBagel: Adriene got me HYPED

 

FuckYeahBagel: ONLY RED WHITE AND BLUE

 

BalletBitch: Not to be fuckin rude, but my name is Adrienne******

 

FuckYeahBagel: Oh sorry Adri-fcking-nne

 

BalletBitch: Nah, it’s cool, and stop saying fuck, it doesn’t suit you

 

FuckYeahBagel: You’re right I trust you completly

 

FuckYeahBagel: (Changed name to PureBagel)

 

CngrtsAss: What is happening

 

BalletBitch: Gilly who the fuck is this woman and why have you not introduced me to her what the fucking hell

 

Baguette: She is Elizabeth Gertrude Schuyler, the sweetest of the Schuyler sisters (and Hammy’s wife if he were straight, remember when we paired up all my friends, when we pretended they were straight)

 

CngrtsAss: You did what now. Pretended????

 

BalletBitch: You’re the fuckin’ straight one, Aggy

 

CngrtsAss: Oh my god I am

 

CngrtsAss: Oh my god

 

CngrtsAss: AGGY!?!?!?!?

 

PureBagel: Where did Peggy go?

 

BalletBitch: You’re part of the Y crew, you should fucking feel honored

  
  


BalletBitch: Peggy? What an amazing name… 

 

SayNoToWeiners: (Private chat to PureBagel) Shut up shut up dont say anything im feaking out

 

SayNoToWeiners: FUCK

 

SayNoToWeiners: Wait FUCK

 

BalletBitch: Well, a fuckin’ hello to you too, is this Peggy

 

SayNoToWeiners: Yeppppp

  
Baguette: Come down

 

BalletBitch: Est-ce l'un mignonne?

 

Baguette: Wrong word

 

Baguette: Oui, c’est mignonne l’un

 

SayNoToWeiners: (Private chat to Baguette) I HAVE FUCKIN GOOGLE TRANSLATE ASKDFJA

 

BalletBitch: I have heard a lot about you all, the Shuey sisters

 

CngrtsAss: Oh my fucking god who the fuck is fuckign Shuey we are the SCHUYLER sisters  _ Adriene _

 

PureBagel: It’s us! It’s a nickname of our last name, I think it’s cute

 

SayNoToWeiners: ha ha

 

BalletBitch: Jesus, back the fuck off Aggy,  _ Jésus Noёl  _

 

Baguette: Woah my pals

 

CngrtsAss: (Private chat to Baguette) This ballet bitch better watch her pointe

 

BalletBitch: Gilly and I have a thing, we call it the Y Club, we nickname people with Y sounds at the end, i.e. Aggy, Lizzy, Gilly, Addy, Hammy, Johnny

 

CngrtsAss: oh

 

CngrtsAss: I uh am just really protective of my sisters

 

BalletBitch: I fuckin’ get that

 

SayNoToWeiners: So, you like ballet?

 

BalletBitch: BITCH I FUCKING LOVE BALLET OKAY

 

Baguette: Ici nous allons

 

SayNoToWeiners: Do you dance?

 

BalletBitch: Shut the fuck up Gilly

 

BalletBitch: MARIE-JOSEPH PAUL YVES ROCH GILBERT DU MOTIER, MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE HAVE YOU NOT TOLD YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ME

 

PureBagel: No, he hasn’t

 

BalletBitch: Dormir avec un oeil ouvert

 

SayNoToWeiners: so…. is that a yes…..

 

BalletBitch: I danced with the Paris Opera Ballet

 

SayNoToWeiners: Oh my god that’s amazing

 

PureBagel: Danced?

 

BalletBitch: Ah, oui…. le passé est en train de devenir qu'un souvenir

 

CngrtsAss: That’s pretty cool, Addy

 

BalletBitch: I am fucking touched

 

Baguette: She’s also a huge lesbian

 

BalletBitch: That too damn

 

BalletBitch: But, yes… ‘Tis past tense… 

 

SayNoToWeiners: What happened?

 

BalletBitch: It’s a long story to be told over coffee… or perhaps shots

 

SayNoToWeiners: sounds good

 

Baguette: ADDY ELLE EST MINUER

 

BalletBitch:  Pas en France, but perhaps later, Peggy

 

Baguette: ADDY NO

 

CngtrsAss: She can’t drink

 

Baguette: ALSO THAT

 

CngrstAss: (Private chat to PureBagel) Is she fucking flirting with our sister

 

SayNoToWeiners: fuck

 

PureBagel: (Private chat to CngrtsAss) uhhhh, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit you guys sorry about the wait, sobermeup and I have been on break. Busy with stuff, you know. We're going to be updating less frequently now, because of school and things, but we're back! Thanks for waiting! Hope you like the new chapter, Adrienne is great.
> 
> -Glenn


	25. Herc's Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am... an assassin

Hamilton is  _ #Ham4Pan _ ; Laurens is  _ Turtles _ ; Hercules is  _ ZeroToHero _ ; Lafayette is  _ Baguette  _ ; Eliza is  _ PureBagel _ ; Angelica is  _ CngrtsAss _ ; Burr is  _ Burr _ ; Washington is  _ GeorgeW. _

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying no one seems to know why Burr calls Herc “Hero.”

 

Burr: You wanna know?

 

Turtles: yes

 

ZeroToHero: I’m pretty sure I don’t know this either

 

PureBagel: I’m invested

 

Burr: My phone autocorrected Herc to Hero

 

Baguette: That is it?

 

CngrtsAss: All that build up for that

 

Burr: That’s how it  _ started _ but the reason I kept going is because one time I fell off a chair and he caught me

 

GeorgeW.: Thst is kinf of nice

 

Burr: Also he can hold me up with one arm when we have sex and hello who else but a superhero could do that

 

CngrtsAss: her eyes,  _ man _

 

Turtles: nevermind

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my god Aaron

 

#Ham4Pan: Sadly, I am not surprised.

 

PureBagel: I’m ignoring that and going with the chair thing. Cute!

 

CngrtsAss: This is a fucking trip

 

Baguette: Anyone wanna know why I call George Georgey

 

Turtles: isnt that kinda fuckin obvious

 

Baguette: You would think, but no

 

PureBagel: Go on,,,

 

Baguette: We had just started dating, it was maybe our third date, so we weren’t really comfortable around each other yet. Everything was very awkward.

 

GeorgeW.: Oh yes, Gilbert. I remember this well.

 

Baguette: I almost wish you didn’t. George was dropping me off and we stopped in front of my door. He was such a reserved man, back then.

 

CngrtsAss: Boss isn’t exactly open now

 

Baguette: True. We had never even kissed. It took a few hours to even hold his hand the first night. When he walked me up to the door I decided it was time to make my intentions clear. I stopped before I unlocked the door and just kissed him. He was kind of shocked, so I just kind of sauntered into my apartment and said “I’ll see you tomorrow, Georgey.” He stopped the door from closing and kissed me again. He told me he liked the name, so I called him that from then on out.

 

PureBagel: Oh my god

  
#Ham4Pan: That is absolutely adorable.

 

Turtles: there are so many good things in this world

 

ZeroToHero: That’s amazing

 

Burr: Now my story feels a little obsolete

 

CngrtsAss: Wow Boss, such a ladies man.

 

GeorgeW.: I thnk the poimt here id that Gilbert is not a lady

 

Baguette: :)

 

PureBagel: What a nice story this is heckin great

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

PureBagel: Oh m y  g o  d

 

Turtles: Alex and I also have a wonderful relationship.

 

#Ham4Pan: You’re grammar is magnificent! I love you so much!

 

Turtles: i can hear you through the wall are you crying

 

#Ham4Pan: No, I am not.

 

Turtles: are you sure

 

PureBagel: Lying is a sin

 

CngrtsAss: He’s an ATHEIST

 

Burr: Get rekted

 

Turtles: dont steal my brand, bur.r ill sue you

 

Burr: My lawyer boyfriend won’t let that happen

 

PureBagel: HERCS A LAWYER??????

 

#Ham4Pan: No fucking way. 

 

Burr: It’s true

Com

GeorgeW.: O rlly?

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron, I’m not, don’t lie to our friends

 

Turtles: okay… so what do you do ????

 

#Ham4Pan: Please, tell us.

 

ZeroToHero: Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell  _ anyone  _ else

 

PureBagel: You can tell us!

 

CngrtsAss: Yeah okay

 

Baguette: Hercy tell us please!!!!!!!   
  


ZeroToHero: I am… an assassin

 

Burr: No you’re not

 

PureBagel: Honey  _ no _

 

Turtles: motherfucker

 

CngrtsAss: Come on

#Ham4Pan: I don’t believe Burr actually knows what Herc does.

 

GeorgeW.: Tat sonds dangerous.

  
  


CngrtsAss: George, you were in the army…

 

Turtles: ah gwash, my MAN, i cannnot fuckin deal

 

GeorgeW.:  Yes, I was

 

#Ham4Pan: He almost died, guys. Don’t let him fool you. That’s why he walks with a limp. 

 

GeorgeW.: I dont wak with a limp?????

 

PureBagel: Alex what

 

CngrtsAss: He thinks the man is the president, I don’t know what to tell you

 

#Ham4Pan: THE MAN SHOULD BE HONORED PROPERLY

 

GeorgeW.: I did almst di, but my legs r fne.

 

Baguette: He’s got a scar on his side, it’s pretty hot

 

GeorgeW.: Why Gilbert

 

PureBagel: O h    m y  Go d wh er e i s the Pu rE WasHETTe I kn Ow A nD lo V E

 

Baguette: Washette?

 

GeorgeW.: Washette!

 

CngrtsAss: Oh here we go

 

PureBagel: It’s your ship name. Washington and Lafayette mashed together

 

PureBagel: Washette, Burrcules, Lams, Angelica and John

 

Turtles: AHAHAHAHAH AHHAA AHAHA ASG UFCKIWAN HAHAHAH

CngrtsAss: Why don’t I get a name?

 

#Ham4Pan: Why am I second?

 

PureBagel: Because Lams is cooler than Haurens

 

PureBagel: And because idk if it’ll last, angie

 

CngrtsAss: Too real wtf

 

Burr: Burrcules………………..

 

ZeroToHero: I still like it, it’s almost as cute as you Aaron

 

PureBagel: oh my god stop why is everyone so cute

 

#Ham4Pan: Gross.

 

Turtles: why cant u compliment me like that

 

GeorgeW.: I like Washette, it’s very nice

 

Turtles: WHY IS EVERYTHING HE WRITES ABOUT LAF SPELLED AND PUNCTUATED CORRECTLY WHY IS NO ONE ADDRESSING THIS AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THIS

 

Baguette: I am the only thing that can get him to control those thumbs properly ;)

 

PureBagel: LAF PLEASE

 

Burr: Gil has no shame sheesh

 

ZeroToHero: -_-

 

Baguette: Whoops?

 

GeorgW.: No, he doesn’t have any. 

 

Baguette: :D!!!!!

 

CngrtsAss: Stop it you’re being Alex

 

PureBagel: Speak of which where is he

 

#Ham4Pan: John, the love of my life, I cannot contain my feelings for you in such a short sentence. My love for you spans galaxies, not keyboards. I want to be with you every second of every day, now and forever. I can not imagine what it would be like to be without you. I don’t want to be without you. I can only hope you understand the depth of my appreciation. You are my everything, the breathe in my lungs, the blood in my veins, I cannot live without you. My John, my world, please don’t ever think I don’t love you. You are beautiful, and perfect. Thank you for being with me.

 

Turtles: Oh, my fucking God. I love you.

 

PureBagel: He is incapable of giving little compliments

 

#Ham4Pan: I am. 

 

PureBagel: Also I’ve died

 

PureBagel: I like how all the couples are silent bc no one can one up that

 

Turtles: oh my god

 

Burr: Fuckin’ no one can one up  Alexander Writing-Like-He-Is-Gonna-Die-Tomorrow Hamilton

 

CngrtsAss: That’s so beautiful

 

Baguette: Oh my god are you sure I’m the one getting married

 

Baguette: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) ;)))))

 

Turtles: (Private chat to Baguette) PENIS SLICED OFF AND DOWN YOUR THROAT SHUT UP

 

Baguette: (Private chat to Turtles) I’ll sic Georgey on you

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m taking John out to dinner, see you guys later

 

Turtles: Dinner is my ass


	26. Chope Charp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working title of this was Chope Charp so we just kept it, this is the kind of nonsense that goes on in planning/writing  
> The squad meets Adrienne

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; Adrienne is BalletBitch ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that we’ve never met the most important French person in your life and it is an outrage.

 

Baguette: You want to meet Addy

 

Turtles: as you french fucks would say…. Oui

 

ZeroToHero: Yes fucking Adrienne

 

#Ham4Pan: What the fuck?

 

Turtles: calm down herc

 

ZeroToHero: Burr says Eliza says she’s great

 

Baguette: (Added BalletBitch to the conversation)

 

BalletBitch: Qu’est-ce cette fois-ci

 

Baguette: Ce sont mes meilleurs amis

 

#Ham4Pan: Bonjour, j'mapelle Alexander. Enchanté.

 

BalletBitch: Celui qui parle français!!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: Oui!

 

Turtles: i am too lazy to get out the google translate

 

BalletBitch: i can speak ur fuckin langauge 2 jawn

 

Turtles: i like this fucking chick!

 

BalletBitch: this fuckin chick likes u 2, but not like that, cause u a fuckin man

 

Turtles: i’m fucking gay too hell yeah

 

BalletBitch: HELL FUCKING YEAH

 

BalletBitch: Okay, forcing it to be lowercase is too much work

 

ZeroToHero: You guys are giving Burr-while-we’re-having-sex a run for his money with the cussing

 

Turtles: sometimes i really dont like you hercules

 

#Ham4Pan: Sometimes I really fucking hate when you talk about your stupid boyfriend.

 

ZeroToHero: Sometimes I’m just really in love with my boyfriend, Ham.

 

BalletBitch: Woah, what the fuck with the tension, chill the fuck out Jésus Noël

 

Baguette: You see, Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr have a long-standing rivalry. No one really knows why, probably because of Hamilton. Hercules started dating Aaron a few months ago and Hammy hates it.

 

#Ham4Pan: I resent that remark.

 

BalletBitch: OH YOU’RE HAMMY, I didn’t realize the one who spoke french and Hammy were the same

 

#Ham4Pan: Wait, Laf didn’t make that clear?

 

Baguette: I thought I did?

 

BalletBitch: Sometimes when he talks I don’t fuckin’ listen

 

Turtles: me too w/ my fiance

 

BalletBitch: WHO’S ENGAGED TO WHOM

 

Baguette: I am engaged to George Washington, the love of my young gay life.

 

Baguette: Aussi Tortues sont Johnny

 

BalletBitch: Johnny like… would suck a dick for a dollar Johnny?

 

Turtles: it was only one time, tho, so,,, and we were dating

 

#Ham4Pan: It wasn’t worth it.

 

Turtles: i didnt try very hard

 

#Ham4Pan: I know, you’ve done better work. Stop devaluing what you’re capable of.

 

#Ham4Pan: I appreciate you.

 

ZeroToHero: HOW ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SUCKING DICK RIGHT NOW

 

BalletBitch: I fuckinlike this Hero guy, he’s logical...

 

ZeroToHero: Hercules Mulligan, at your service

 

BalletBitch: AH! Mully, makes since

 

ZeroToHero: Mully, like Molly, like the drug. I’m down.

 

Baguette: Wrong word sweetie

 

BalletBitch: Whatever, fuck english

 

#Ham4Pan: Strange, that’s what Laf said before he went home with George that one night. Also, I won’t correct you because you fluently speak more languages than I do.

 

Turtles: lol you’ve done it now

 

BalletBitch: How many do you fuckin speak

 

#Ham4Pan: I speak French, English, Spanish, and partially German.

 

BalletBitch: I just barely speak more languages than you, I’m fluent in German

 

Baguette: WHy german?????

 

ZeroToHero: I think I have a concussion

 

Baguette: alex you kno spanish

 

BalletBitch: Gilly, you know why I picked German

 

#Ham4Pan: Si

 

Baguette: She had a crush on a german girl

 

ZeroToHero: No one cares about my head injury?

 

Turtles: did u acutally hit ur head tho

 

ZeroToHero: Yes, several times, on my desk, on purpose

 

Turtles: then no we dont care, fuck off omg

 

#Ham4Pan: Tu eres mierda, Hercules.

 

BalletBitch: Woah there Hammy, fuckin watch your language

 

Baguette: Bitch REALLY

 

BalletBitch: BITCH REALLY

 

ZeroToHero: Only Adrienne is capapable of getting into a Bitch Really Fight with Laf

 

#Ham4Pan: Hazme, Addy.

 

Baguette: B I T C H REAAALLLLLYLYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

BalletBitch: Hammy, I’m gay, and you’re engaged

 

#Ham4Pan: That is not what I meant and you know it.

 

BalletBitch: But this is more fun

 

Turtles: step off lol

 

BalletBitch: Johnny Boy, I’ll step on you let’s go

 

Turtles: Please

 

#Ham4Pam: >:(.

 

BalletBitch: Why the fuck is there a period

 

ZeroToHero: Oh god, why did you ask that

 

#Ham4Pan:  THAT IS BECAUSE PROPER PUNCTUATION IS NEEDED, AND I REFUSE TO TEXT WITHOUT PROPER PUNCTUATION!

 

BalletBitch: Du calme, Hammy \

 

#Ham4Pan: No.

 

Baguette: I’m glad you fit in with my friends

 

BalletBitch: I’m fucking mad you didnt introduce them sooner, branleur.

 

#Ham4Pan: Yo estoy enojado también, Laf.

 

Turtles: no more other languages!!!!!

 

ZeroToHero: Agreed

 

BalletBitch: Get fucking cultured bitches

 

Turtles: im starting to not like her lol

 

Baguette: She grows and shrinks on you, you like her then you don’t

 

BalletBitch: I’m like fine cheese, age it long enough and it’s amazing, too long and you’re eating shit

 

Turtles: shut fuck your fucks up

 

ZeroToHero: Burr says Eliza says she’s the perfect woman

 

BalletBitch: Is Eliza the one Laf?

 

Baguette: No it’s Peggy

 

BalletBitch: Is Eliza even gay……..

  
Baguette: Pick ONE Adddy

 

BalletBitch: No ;), I’ll have my cake and _eat it too_

 

ZeroToHero: Eliza is queer, yeah

 

BalletBitch: Any other hot queer women you all know? This bitch likes some good ol’ american women ;) ;) ;)

 

Turtles: … ???? Alex????

 

#Ham4Pan: Angelica is straight, so no.

 

ZeroToHero: I hear Mariah swings both ways

 

Turtles: NO NO NO NO NO

 

#Ham4Pan: That is a bad idea!

 

Baguette: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 

BalletBitch: I won’t ask, how about hot moms, anyone got a hot single mom

 

Turtles: my mom is single

 

Baguette: NO ELLE EST TRÈS FOLLE

 

ZeroToHero: NO! NO JOHN MOM!

 

#Ham4Pan: My mom is dead.

 

Baguette: Mine too.

 

ZeroToHero: My parents are happily married and straight and they love me.

 

BalletBitch: Sigh, you all suck…. dick….

 

BalletBitch: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Baguette: That is true!

 

BalletBitch: Brut

 

Baguette: What about George’s mom

 

BalletBitch: My cut off is 46 thank you

 

ZeroToHero: I definitely don’t have any siblings.

 

BalletBitch: Oh…? Are you fucking lying to me?

 

Turtles: My sister is 19 and probably in the closet

 

BalletBitch: Ohhhhh???? Should I get in with her, or get her out?

 

Turtles: uh… idk. her names Mary

 

Turtles: neither? she’s purer than eliza

 

#Ham4Pan: That is true. She is a very, very sweet girl.

 

BalletBitch: Oh, I wouldn’t want to taint her

 

Baguette: Eliza ate out some girl in the bathroom when we went drinking. Don’t let her fool you.

 

ZeroToHero: NUMBER 239843450345138741897326 ON THE LIST OF THINGS I DIDN’T FUCKING WANT TO KNOW

 

Turtles: lol…. taint….

 

BalletBitch: huehuehuehue, right

 

Turtles: WH A  T FCHU AHAHAHA WHAT IS HUE HUE HAHAHAHAH

 

#Ham4Pan: Eliza and I have

 

ZeroToHero: woaAHHHH WHAT

 

Turtles: You and Eliza have what?

 

#Ham4Pan: Sent too soon. I meant to say we have been drinking together.

 

Turtles: why was that needed tho, we all have been drinking with everyone

 

#Ham4Pan: Because she went home with a stripper.

 

Turtles: SHE DID WHAT, THAT GIRL PROBABLY HAS ALL THE STDS

 

Baguette: Eliza is not pure at all, she told me that she took a stripping class and slept with the instructor

 

#Ham4Pan: She showed me a bunch of dental dams in her purse. She is clean.

 

ZeroToHero: Burr says she slept with James.

 

#Ham4Pan: BURR SAYS SHE FUCKING DID WHAT?  

 

ZeroToHero: During college, she fucked James Madison

 

Turtles: MADISON????? JAMES MACARONI?????

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to PureBagel) How could you?

 

#Ham4Pan: I am disgusted. Who is Eliza?

 

Baguette: I um,,,

 

#Ham4Pan: I WILL NOT COME TO YOUR WEDDING!

 

#Ham4Pan: (That’s a lie, I’ll be there for Mr. Washington though.)

 

Turtles: JAMES MADISON REALLY????

 

Baguette: No! I did not sleep James. I would never.

 

ZeroToHero: Okay thank god

 

Baguette: I slept with Thomas

 

BalletBitch: Gilly is a slut, and he has slept with both of them, don’t let him lie to you

 

#Ham4Pan: THOMAS JEFFERSON?

 

Turtles: oh shit

 

#Ham4Pan: I DID NOT RAISE YOU TO WHORE YOURSELF OUT LIKE THIS! WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON OF ALL PEOPLE! HOW DARE YOU TARNISH THE FAMILY NAME LIKE THAT &

 

Baguette: James is a nice man, okay. And it was a low point. You slept with _Mariah and James_

 

BalletBitch: He also slept with Sammy Seabury, idk if that matters

 

#Ham4Pan: Who the fuck are you anymore?

 

Turtles: oh my godds fjsioF JWEUafg LSI

 

BalletBitch: I’m telling you he was a slut in college

 

Baguette: I am locked down now! A changed man! Thomas’ massive penis is gone from my mind!

 

#Ham4Pan: (Left the conversation)

 

BalletBitch: (Private chat to Macaroni_Man) Hey you still have that pic of Laf

 

Turtles: so…. Is it really that big?

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to BalletBitch) (Image attached)

 

Baguette: Yes. Very much so.

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to BalletBitch) Whoops wrong pic

 

BalletBitch: (Private chat to Macaroni_Man) gross

 

ZeroToHero: What about James?

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to BalletBitch) (Image attached)

 

Turtles: herc wtf

 

ZeroToHero: I can be curious too okay.

 

BalletBitch: Here’s a pic of Laf to prove he’s a slut

 

Baguette: Pretty average, great mouth though

 

BalletBitch: (Image attached)

 

BalletBitch: Oh, sorry, that’s Thomas’ massive penis (ew)

 

Turtles: HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IM SENDING THAT TO ALEX

 

BalletBitch: (Image attached)

 

BalletBitch: There u go

 

Baguette: That was a fun night

 

Turtles: alex is screaming… i think i heard something break, brb…….

 

BalletBitch: hehehehehehehe

 

ZeroToHero: Laf… how are your legs like that?

 

Baguette: Yoga

 

ZeroToHEro: Fair enough

 

Baguette: It does wonders for your sex life

 

BalletBitch: (Private chat to Macaroni_Man) Alexander Hamilton has seen your massive penis

 

ZeroToHero: But I’m a top

 

Baguette: Have Aaron try some, Georgey loves watching me

ZeroToHero: … yoga pants

 

ZeroToHero: Alright Imma go, have fun you two

 

ZeroToHero: (Left conversation)

 

Turtles: three...

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to BalletBitch) Did he like it

 

Baguette: Is Alex okay?

 

Turtles: no, he’s currently on the floor, having an existential crisis

 

Baguette: I hope he will survive the blow to his ego

 

BalletBitch: (Private chat to Macaroni_Man) No

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to Macaroni’s_Man) Alexander Hamilton has seen my penis, and he didn’t like it

 

Turtles: dont think he will

 

Macaroni_Man: (Private chat to Macaroni_Man) Thomas…. I don’t care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so both sobermeup and I are at like not a very high level in learning spanish or french???? Sorry for the mistakes but we tried really hard
> 
> -Glenn


	27. John Barker Church II: The Bitchening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Barker Church is back, and he's softer than ever.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; George is GeorgeW. ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying that Herc has been bi for as long as I remember. You cannot deny it. He cannot deny it. You are all lying to yourselves.

 

Burr: Listen, I know he likes me, a man, so he is at least queer.

 

Turtles: alex’s sexuality radar is never wrong

 

Baguette: We need experts….

 

Baguette: (Added PureBagel to the conversation)

 

PureBagel: What’s up guys?

 

Baguette: (Added CngrtsAss to the conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: Hello fuckers

 

Baguette: Is Herc bi

 

PureBagel: Well, we dated in high school, and I think he actually liked me, so he’s not gay.

 

CngrtsAss: Are you living under a rock

 

Burr: A beard! A beard, I say!

 

#Ham4Pan: Why don’t we let Herc answer?

 

ZeroToHero: lol

 

Turtles: how fucking helpful

 

Baguette: He is in love with our Burr, and did everyone forget some else?

 

CngrtsAss: He is bi, whether or not he loves a man

 

Turtles: HE LOVED A WOMAN BURR JUST SHHHHHH 

 

Burr: I will not, I have seen the way he looks at me

 

ZeroToHero: aw, I do love you

 

Turtles: THAT HELPS NOTHIGN, WE KNEW THIS ALREADY

 

#Ham4Pan: This may be a sore subject, but remember Dolley? He loved her.

 

Baguette: We need more people, that won’t bring up shit like this

 

Baguette: (Added BalletBitch to the conversation)

 

Turtles: IS HERC BI

 

BalletBitch: Whom…?

 

Baguette: Mully

 

BalletBitch: Uh, fuckin’ duh

 

ZeroToHero: haha

 

BalletBitch: What the fuck is going on with you americans Jésus Noёl

 

CngrtsAss: Herc wont tell us if hes bi or pan or gay or whatever

 

#Ham4Pan: I am probably the only pan person.

 

Baguette: I’m just going to keep adding people 

 

Baguette: (Added GeorgeW. to the conversation)

 

Baguette: Bonjour, mon amour

 

GeorgeW.: Hello my love.

 

PureBagel: awwwww

 

Turtles: stop this cute shit is Herc bi???

 

GeorgeW.: I dnt blive its m y plce t say. Only Mr. Herles can decid wht he identudies as, we cannt force hm to tell us

 

PureBagel: Aw, that’s so true

 

Burr: THAT’S BULLSHIT (sorry, Mr. Washington, I have a lot of respect for you) I THINK I’D KNOW MY OWN BOYFRIEND

 

Turtles: would there be a problem if he was bi, cause you seem kinda….. prejudiced….

 

PureBagel: Do you have an issue with us bi people?

 

Burr: Christ Almighty in heaven, give me strength. No, Eliza, you are a wonderful person. And I have nothing against bi people. I just know Herc. 

 

#Ham4Pan: Hercules Mulligan has been in love with women, he loves a man; ergo he is bisexual. He is romantically, and sexually attracted to both genders. B I S E X U A L.

 

ZeroToHero: Point to Alex

 

ZeroToHero: And point to Burr for being such a good boyfriend

 

Burr: Here we go

 

#Ham4Pan: As John would say, “GET FUCKING REKT BEYOTCH!”

 

Turtles: close enough

 

Baguette: (Added SayNoToWeiners to the conversation)

 

#Ham4Pan: John I copied and pasted that from an earlier conversation.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Fuck hello

 

SayNoToWeiners: “WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE” - Angie

 

SayNoToWeiners: I’m in high school, Angelica k.

 

CngrtsAss: Young lady, do not ‘k’ me. 

 

Turtles: u fuckin k’d me earlier ang, get out

 

SayNoToWeiners: K lol

 

PureBagel: *whispers* savage

 

Baguette: We’re missing the point, Herc is bi Peggy. You get $10 from Burr

 

Burr: Man, the Schuyler sisters are something right? How about that game last night? The weather huh?

 

Turtles: STOP DEFLECTING BURR

 

Turtles: (Added Macaroni_Man to the conversation)

 

Turtles: (Added Macaroni’s_Man to the conversation)

 

Turtles: Does Burr deflect

 

Macaroni_Man: He’s not very forthcoming on any particular stances

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances 

 

Macaroni_Man: And Hamilton, my penis is  _ great _ , so fuck off

 

#Ham4Pan: FUCK MY LIFE TO HIGH HELL AND BACK!

 

Turtles: “atheist” beat you Angie

 

Burr: Thomas, you’re a problem, I’m a less extreme you 

 

ZeroToHero: Please don’t compare yourself to Jefferson

 

Turtles: it’s kinda right tho….

 

Macaroni’s_Man: No, it’s totally right, Hercules

 

ZeroToHero: Please, I love you guys, and I love Aaron, but I really don’t like Jefferon

 

SayNoToWeiners: Oh sHIT TJJJJEEEEFFFF INNN THE HOUSE

 

Macaroni_Man: Margaret. 

 

CngrtsAss: How the hell do you know Jefferson

 

SayNoToWeiners: Uh i got my raisins don’t worry about it

 

Turtles: raisins?

 

SayNoToWeiners: reasons. Raisins = reasons

 

#Ham4Pan: Does everyone in my life betray me? And the ideals of this nation?

 

GeorgeW.: Helo Tomass

 

Macaroni_Man: I am not breaking any ideals by fucking existing this is homophobia

 

#Ham4Pan: That’s what the government wants you to think. 

 

Burr: He’s gayer than you

 

Turtles: lololol tomASS

 

PureBagel: Are we just going to ignore the fact that my baby sister apparently knows Creepy McCreeperson

 

Turtles: wOAh ChAnGe THAt nAMe To SaVaGebAgEl

 

Macaroni_Man: How am I creepy?

 

#Ham4Pan: Have you seen your own penis? It’s creepy.

 

CngrtsAss: You’re like almost thirty and you know a seventeen year old

 

SayNoToWeiners: YUCK DON’T USE THE P WORD ALEX

 

Macaroni’s_Man: His dingaling is fine, thank you very much.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Thank you Jamie

 

Macaroni_Man: Woah there, Margaret. Slow your roll.

 

#Ham4Pan: See THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY!

 

BalletBitch: Thomas, shut the fuck up man. For the last time, the world does not center around your self centered ass. I had enough of you when you were obsessed with Gilly (Like fucking wet dreams obsessed people). Stay the fuck out of my country, stay the fuck away from my (George’s too, but I claimed him first, in like a nonsexual way tho cause ew he’s a guy) Gilly, and get a goddamn life bitch. 

 

GeorgeW.: Im sre theres a explntaion for this. Im sre this is fne.

 

GeorgeW.: Thmass didnt like my Gilbert.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Sheesh she’s savage

 

BalletBitch: With all do respect sir, BITCH THE FUCK HE DIDN’T

 

Baguette: Honey, it was a long time ago, I promise, he is all in with Jimmy now

 

Macaroni_Man: I don’t fucking appreciate this

 

BalletBitch: I DON’T APPRECIATE YOU GETTING YOUR NOODLELY HANDS ALL OVER ME AND MY LIFE, SOMEONE REMOVE THIS BITCH

 

GeorgeW.: Well, if it’s all said and done now, we should be fine Thomas.

 

Macaroni_Man: Yeah okay I’m kinda scared now

 

#Ham4Pan: Woah, where were you earlier Adrienne?

 

BalletBitch: Not fucking keeping a close enough eye on my damn friends to protect them, apparently

 

ZeroToHero: I, for the record, am loving this Thomas roast

 

Baguette: #DragHim

 

Turtles: guise,  **_dont_ ** b nice

 

BalletBitch: And, Madison how the fuck did you end up with an asshole lile

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I know he acts like a dingaling, but he is really a nice person. You just have to force your way under his protective layer of asshole.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Still appreciating that Jamie

 

CngrtsAss: Just remove him already

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Always, Pegs

 

CngrtsAss: DON’T FUCKING NICKNAME MY SISTER, BITCH, IF YOU AIN’T OUT OF A SCHUYLER WOMB, OR ON THE PRE APPROVED NICKNAME LIST YOU DON’T GET TO NICKNAME ANYONE

 

PureBagel: Seriously,  _ how  _ do you guys know her

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I designed costumed with Hercules at her school musical.

 

Turtles: wait what the fuck

 

BalletBitch: Wait, you’re a musical girl

 

#Ham4Pan: I knew it! Herc, you’re a tailor!

 

SayNoToWeiners: I am, I was the lead in Cinderella

 

ZeroToHero: FUCKING SIX YEARS, YOU RUINED SIX YEARS OF SECRECY I AM GONNA FUCKING SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

 

Baguette: MON FUCK THATS SO OBVIOUS NOW

 

Macaroni_Man: I helped

 

SayNoToWeiners: He was very helpful

 

PureBagel: Peggy what the fuck

 

SayNoToWeiners: I mean, someone had to show me how to walk like a princess right

 

Macaroni_Man:  _ homophobia _

 

CngrtsAss: Shit

 

SayNoToWeiners: I’M GAY BITCH

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Marge, your language

 

SayNoToWeiners: YOU AR E N OT MY F UC KIN G DAD, AND I F I WE RE STRA IGH T YO U WOU LDN T BE IN TH E T OP 100 CANDID ATES  T O BE MY D A DD Y

 

Baguette: What a crazy sentence, Peg Leg

 

BalletBitch: Let’s fuckin do a “if I were straight” game

 

BalletBitch: You pick out a list of people to do if you were straight

 

CngrtsAss: I AM STRAIGHT

 

BalletBitch: #1 Thomas Jefferson, just cause the massive wang, everything else is repulsive

 

#Ham4Pan: Jesus Christ. 

 

CngrtsAss: Atheist

Baguette: #1 Adrienne

 

BalletBitch: Aw, ur my 2 Gilly

 

Macaroni_Man: I’ll get hate for whatever I say

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Let’s just go

 

Macaroni_Man: (Left conversation)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: (Left conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: (Added Rthrbnlndn to the conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: If you were gay which of my friends would do you

 

Rthrbnlndn: Alexander Hamilton, I’m curious to as if he’s as eloquent in bed as he is in life

 

Turtles: he is, his words never stop flowing

 

#Ham4Pan: I am an excellent dirty talker ;).

 

GeorgeW.: (Left the conversation)

 

Burr: (Left the conversation)

 

Rthrbnlnd: The George Washington was here?! Angel, I’m humiliated!!!!! You know he’s my idol!

 

PureBagel: ANGEL?! FUCKING AWWWWWWWW

 

CngrtsAss: He’s seen worse, sweetie. Plus, he left because Alex is a disgrace

 

Rthrbnlnd: but he’s The George Washington

 

BalletBitch: I don’t believe I’ve fuckin had the displeasure of meeting you

 

Rthrbnlndn: hi, hello, i am john church, it’s a pleasure to meet you

 

Turtles: can we talk about how fast John Barker Church replied tho? like he had that ready to go

 

BalletBitch: John Barker Church? Hmm… I’m Adrienne, I don’t like that there’s two Johns it is displeasing 

 

ZeroToHero: Which is why we call him John Barker Church instead of John

 

Turtles: cause im john

 

PureBagel: That was cute John

 

#Ham4Pan: Isn’t he just the cutest?

 

CngrtsAss: John vs. John

 

Rthrbnlndn: please, I could never one up john in cuteness

 

Turtles: ILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU JOHN BARKER BITCH

 

Turtles: oh whoops

 

#Ham4Pan: John Barker Bitch, I like it. 

 

CngrtsAss: No, none of that

 

Rthrbnlndn: they have bestowed a nickname upon me, Angel, let it be

 

Baguette: I can’t believe you made my Georgey leave the chat Hammy

 

#Ham4Pan: Really? You can’t believe it? Really?

 

Baguette: I am adding him back

 

Turtles: how is it shocking tho laf

 

Rthrbnlndn: wait no I’m nervous

 

Baguette: (Added GeorgeW. to the conversation)

 

SayNoToWeiners: lolololololol

 

#Ham4Pan: I’ll be safe for work, Sir. I promise. 

 

GeorgeW.: Thk yu Alecander

 

ZeroToHero: Are we all just going to forget about the time Thomas threw up because he was banging Laf at work?

 

Turtles: please herc don’t! GROUPCHAT DAD HERC

 

Rthrbnlndn: what

 

Turtles: nothing, name twin, you don’t wanna know

 

Rthrbnlndn: _ they bestowed another nickname _

 

Baguette: He fucked me in his office and I made a lot of noise

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert why

 

Turtles: ITS NOT LAF ITS HERC OKAY HE ATTACKED GROUPCHAT DAD

 

ZeroToHero: Calm down John

 

GeorgeW.: I m nit a dad realy

 

Turtles: ur the groupchat dad plus ur gonna be scuh a good dad 1 day

 

Rthrbnlndn: i cant really… understand him

 

CngrtsAss: It’s a whole new langauge you have to learn

 

Rthrbnlndn: i will learn it so hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shiiiiit sorry this took so long i just got back into school and the honors classes are kicking my ass
> 
> -Glenn


	28. Couple(?) Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Barker Church and Angelica are cute. Peggy and Adrienne are... there...

Angelica is CngrtsAss ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn

 

Rthrbnlndn: hey angel, what are you wearing to the wedding

 

CngrtsAss: John honey thats two months away

 

Rthrbnlndn: i want to be prepared

 

CngrtsAss: You’re so cute, also I’m a bridesmaid

 

Rthrbnlndn: oh yeah, who are you walking down the aisle with

 

CngrtsAss: Aaron Burr

 

Rthrbnlndn: oh

 

CngrtsAss: Oh?

 

Rthrbnlndn: he’s um… who is he?

 

CngrtsAss: Herc’s boyfriend

 

Rthrbnlndn: oh okay that’s good

 

CngrtsAss: Are/Were you jealous

 

Rthrbnlndn: sorry, i know i shouldn’t be

 

CngrtsAss: Aw, baby, it’s okay, it’s cute, I like it

 

Rthrbnlndn: really? i don’t want you to think i’m like controlling you or anything

 

CngrtsAss: No, being a little possessive every once and awhile is okay

 

CngrtsAss: I am yours after all

 

Rthrbnlndn: good, because i like you being mine

 

CngrtsAss: I miss you :(

 

Rthrbnlndn: i really miss you too

 

CngrtsAss: Pegs isn’t as good as a cuddle buddy as you are

 

Rthrbnlndn: you like when we cuddle?

 

CngrtsAss: Pff, I love it, and you know that

 

Rthrbnlndn: i totally do know it

 

CngrtsAss: Plus I like having your arms around me

 

CngrtsAss: It makes me feel safe

 

Rthrbnlndn: i miss holding you

 

CngrtsAss: I like you

 

Rthrbnlndn: i loke you more

 

CngrtsAss: Sounds like yolk… 

 

CngrtsAss: I yolk you pfff

 

Rthrbnlndn: i hope you like what i did to my house

 

CngrtsAss: That was off topic but… what’d you do

 

Rthrbnlndn: i painted the fridge

 

CngrtsAss: What color

 

Rthrbnlndn: chalk paint, black

 

CngrtsAss: OMfg THATS SO COOL I WANNA DRAW ON IT

 

Rthrbnlndn: ikr!!!!

 

CngrtsAss: We could draw together omfg, J that’s so AHHHH

 

Rthrbnlndn: wow i’m so glad you like it

 

CngrtsAss: Did you do this cause I was saying I wanted to do artsy stuff together

 

Rthrbnlndn: a little

 

Rthrbnlndn: and a little because  _ chalk paint _

 

CngrtsAss: John…

 

Rthrbnlndn: yeah?

 

CngrtsAss: I yolk you

 

Rthrbnlndn: :D i yolk you too, so much angel

 

CngrtsAss: ahhhHHHHH

  
CngrtsAss: So, other than painting your fridge, what have you been up to while I’ve been away

 

Rthrbnlndn: i invited sammy over and we played vid games

 

CngrtsAss: Please tell me you didn’t have to carry as Lucio again because of him

 

Rthrbnlndn: i yolk you so friggin much angel

 

Rthrbnlndn: but, yes…. i did, i enjoy it though!

 

CngrtsAss: What a suckass

 

Rthrbnlndn: angel! be nice he’s my friend

 

CngrtsAss: Okay okay samuel seabury is  _ not  _ a suckass

 

Rthrbnlndn: :) 

 

CngrtsAss: You’re too nice baby

 

Rthrbnlndn: i miss you so much angel

 

CngrtsAss: I know

 

CngrtsAss: (Image attached)

 

CngrtsAss: Liz wanted to send a selfie

 

Rthrbnlndn: you are so beautiful! 

 

CngrtsAss: What did I do to deserve you

 

Rthrbnlndn: it’s me who doesn’t deserve you, all you did was be yourself

 

CngrtsAss:  Omg hold on, there is screaming

 

CngrtsAss: Last I knew they were playing monopoly, I better go before someone gets a broken nose

 

Rthrbnlndn: peggy is probably hurting someone

 

CngrtsAss: You know my family so well…

 

CngrtsAss: I think Eliza with have a top hat shaped bruise for a while

 

Rthrbnlndn: when can i meet them?

 

CngrtsAss: I would’ve brought you if I had known you wanted to meet my family

 

Rthrbnlndn: oh my god really

 

CngrtsAss: Yeah, of course, I mean you already know my sisters

 

CngrtsAss: We could’ve stayed in the poolhouse together 

 

Rthrbnlndn: i would love to wake up to your face in the morning

 

CngrtsAss: You do some mornings

 

Rthrbnlndn: but i want every morning with you

 

CngrtsAss: Your apartment is bigger… And it has a chalkboard fridge now so...

 

Rthrbnlndn: is this real? you want to move in?

 

CngrtsAss: Why not?

 

CngrtsAss: What’s the downside to this? Constant cuddles, chalkboard fridge, your amazing cooking, constant cuddles, movie nights every night, constant cuddles, did I mention cONSTANT CUDDLES

 

Rthrbnlndn: other stuff…..

 

CngrtsAss: Who are you and what have you done with my sweet, innocent, blushing boyfriend

 

Rthrbnlndn: i just havent seen you in so long

 

CngrtsAss: It’s been two days, it feels like forever

 

CngrtsAss: I’ll be home soon enough, and we can move me in and do other stuff ;)

 

Rthrbnlndn: when will you be home?

 

CngrtsAss: In two more days

 

Rthrbnlndn: i’ll wait for you

 

CngrtsAss: So patient and sweet, baby, can’t wait to get home

 

Rthrbnlndn: i

 

CngrtsAss: You what, baby?

 

Rthrbnlndn: i dont know waht to say

 

CngrtsAss: You wanna call me?

 

Rthrbnlndn: yes but i can’t im at work

 

CngrtsAss: It’s 6:30, why aren’t you home?

 

Rthrbnlndn: distracting myself

 

CngrtsAss: Call me when you get home, I’m being roped into family game time

 

Rthrbnlndn: i will i definitely will

 

-

 

Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Adrienne is BalletBitch

 

BalletBitch: So Gilly tells me you’re fuckin sassier and wittier than you appear

 

SayNoToWeiners: Damn straight

 

BalletBitch: But you’re not… 

 

BalletBitch: Straight that is

 

SayNoToWeiners: Sorry, damn gay

 

BalletBitch: Fuckin’ me toooooo

 

SayNoToWeiners: I heard you like fuckin uh gay shit

 

BalletBitch: That’s fuckin weIRD I HEARD THAT ABOUT YOU

 

SayNoToWeiners: That gay shit!! is my home

 

BalletBitch: Shit, people talking about us behind our backs n shit ppff fuck man

 

BalletBitch: But me too tho, you ever been to a gay bar

 

SayNoToWeiners: No… drinking age in America is 21

 

BalletBitch: Oh shit, you right….

 

BalletBitch: You look so mature though, I bet you fuckin’ sneak in

 

SayNoToWeiners: They card. You could take me in France sometime

 

BalletBitch: I could, but don’t you know what a fake id is, do you FuckING lEaRN NOTHing IN SCHOOl

 

SayNoToWeiners: Listen, I ain’t no  _ law breaker _

 

BalletBitch: How fucking boring lol

 

SayNoToWeiners: Lol

 

BalletBitch: You gotta be fucking bad sometimes, it feels good to be bad

 

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah? I wouldn’t know. 

 

BalletBitch: You strike me as a girl who’s never been bad

 

SayNoToWeiners: You could say that

 

BalletBitch: Some people (fucking gil) say I’m a bad influence

 

SayNoToWeiners: You don’t need to worry about me, I can handle myself

 

BalletBitch: Oh really now

 

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah, I know how to take care of things

 

BalletBtich: I’ll have to see it to believe it

 

SayNoToWeiners: You will see soon

 

SayNoToWeiners: You know, at the wedding

 

BalletBitch: Yeah, at the wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got me fucked up hbu
> 
> -Glenn


	29. Not So Soft Engagement Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talkin' 'bout the Lams engagement

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Adrienne is BalletBitch 

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that I don’t want to cramp Laf’s style. 

 

Turtles: thats why we tried to hide it, we know laf wants his wedding to be special

 

BalletBitch: That is such a shitty reason

 

Baguette: I fucking hate the two of you

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m sorry?

 

ZeroToHero: What we all really want to know is how it happened

 

#Ham4Pan: ...

 

Turtles: tell them what you did

 

#Ham4Pan: We were in the shower… The water was cascading down John’s beautiful face...

 

Turtles: not that dramatic you fucking nerd

 

#Ham4Pan: We were in the shower, and we had just done some things. We were making out in the afterglow and I pulled back and said, “Marry me, John.” Then he started crying. And I felt extremely awkward. He said, “You fucking idiot this is how you propose!?”

 

Turtles: i did, i was pissed, he fuckin just asked me to marry him

 

Turtles: bitch didnt get down on one knee, didnt have a fuckin ring

 

Turtles: i did say yes tho

 

ZeroToHero: Jesus Christ, why am I not surpised

 

Baguette: George’s proposal was the most amazing experience of my entire life.

 

BalletBitch: I hate you idiots, what the fuck 

 

BalletBitch: Fuck off

 

ZeroToHero: When I propose to Aaron (later, later, not soon) I’m gonna be so fucking romantic

 

Baguette: FUCK AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

Turtles: oh my god 

 

Baguette: SDLKFJASD;LFKJAS;LDK I AM FUCKING PREPARED FOR YOU TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE LITTLE BABIES YES PLEASE

 

BalletBitch: You mean adopt right

 

#Ham4Pan: A tiny Burr running around, disgustingly frightening

 

BalletBitch: Guys I don’t want to be a downer but they can’t birth a child

 

ZeroToHero: Laf please

 

Baguette: YOU’D BE SUCH A GOOD DAD

 

BalletBitch: You could get a surrogate or something, but you know, not gonna have both of your genes

 

Baguette: JUST IMAGINE HERC HOLDING A BABY SHUT UP AND IMAGINE

 

BalletBitch: Still haven’t seen him. Don’t really know what he looks like

 

#Ham4Pan: Aw. I can see it. 

 

ZeroToHero: You really think so… I’d be a good dad

 

Turtles: fucking hell you’d be a perfect dad

 

ZeroToHero: Really

 

Baguette: Yes!!! Aaron would say the same thing.

 

#Ham4Pan: Herc, you are the dad of our group. You take care of us. How many times have you been there for us in a time of need?

 

ZeroToHero: You know me being the dad of the group is actually how Burr and I got together

 

Turtles: wait shit what

 

ZeroToHero: Yeah he made a very subtle pass at me saying that he didn’t me to parent him and I just went for it. I was thinking “What the hell” but then… I ended up loving him.

 

#Ham4Pan: I hate Burr, but that is slightly cute.

 

Turtles: so you fucked him cause hes got a daddy kink

 

ZeroToHero: HE DOES NOT HAVE A DADDY KINK MY GOD THAT IS LITERALLY THE  _ OPPOSITE _ OF WHAT I JUST SAID

 

Turtles: lol chill 

 

BalletBitch: Yeah come the fuck on Johnny, pay attention

 

Baguette: Get gay, John

 

Turtles: its funny tho cause he salty affff

 

ZeroToHero: Shut up Alex calls you Princess

 

Turtles: and i fuckin love it, so what

 

#Ham4Pan: John, please contain yourself.

 

Turtles: make me daddy ;)

 

BalletBitch: OH SHIT OH FUCKING SHIT OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK

 

Turtles:  woAH adrienne calm down, we’re kinky

 

Baguette: You get used to it

 

#Ham4Pan: He is kinky, I just indulge him because I love him.

 

Turtles: dont fuckin lie betch you love being my daddy, you love princess

 

#Ham4Pan: Too far, John, we are in company.

 

Baguette: *TONGUE CLICK* BEEEEETTCCHHHH

 

ZeroToHero: Laf could you stop being gay long enough to realize how extra they are

 

Baguette: But it’s our  _ thing  _ Herc, we do the Drag Queen Thing

 

Turtles: laf does it better 

 

BalletBitch: I’m too tired and lesbian for this

 

Baguette: Va coucher, Addy

 

ZeroToHero: Anybody else here queer and sad

 

Turtles: me

 

#Ham4Pan: I am queer and sad.

 

BalletBitch: Tu n’êtes pas mon père

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones kinda short but whatever, it was fun. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> -Glenn


	30. Oo Boi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ThomASS

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; George is GeorgeW. ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Burr is Burr ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying that I love macaroni too, okay? Thomas isn’t the only one here that loves macaroni.

 

Macaroni_Man: My name is literally macaroniman you can’t take this from me

 

Turtles: more than one person can love macaroni. thomASS

 

Macaroni’s_Man: John, that wasn’t a very original joke

 

Baguette: I really do not think he cares

 

Turtles: laf is right

 

ZeroToHero: You both like macaroni, but Thomass likes it more bro

 

#Ham4Pan: I can agree with that.

 

Macaroni_Man: Guys seriously that joke is so old

 

CngrtsAss: Come on Thomass, its funny, dont be such a loser

 

GeorgeW.: It is nt that fnny, Tomass deserves respect

 

Turtles: HAHAA IDK IF THAT WAS ON PURPOSE BUT SAVAGE

 

Baguette: I feel as if it was on purpose

 

GeorgeW.: I dnt knio either

 

PureBagel: Jimmy Jams, you gotta admit it’s a classic joke

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Betsy, buddy, he’s my boyfriend. I have to stand with him

 

Macaroni_Man: Wait, really, we’re boyfriends?

 

Macaroni’s_Man: We have been dating for three years that doesn’t work on me, Thomass

 

Burr: Thomass, are you kidding me right now

 

#Ham4Pan: I was going to ask how Eliza was so friendly with Madison, but then I remembered.

 

PureBagel: What do you mean

 

Turtles: we know your secrets, eliza

 

PureBagel: Wat

 

CngrtsAss: What are you all talking about

 

Baguette: Your… college endeavors

 

ZeroToHero: Your… late nights

 

PureBagel: Actually I slept with James in like the middle of the day, so

 

Macaroni_Man: Oh yeah, that one time in between classes. That was fun.

 

CngrtsAss: WHAT

 

Macaroni_Man: WHAAAAAAA

CngrtsAss:  _ WITH JAMES MADISON _

 

Macaroni_Man:  _ WITH  _ **_ELIZABETH SCHUYLER_ **

 

CngrtsAss: My sister????

 

Macaroni_Man: MY BOYFRIEND **_!?!?!?!?_ **

 

PureBagel: Yeah, I’ve pretty much slept with every person in this chat that likes women and isn’t related to me

 

GeorgeW.: Nt me!!!

 

PureBagel:  **_NOT GEORGE_ **

 

ZeroToHero: It was only one time though

 

Turtles: IM SORRY?????

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) I don’t know if you still remember this, but I told you about a year ago that Eliza and I had a fling in college.

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) holy shit i fo _ rgot  _ about that

 

#Ham4Pan: She is very nice.

 

PureBagel: I hadn’t thought about that before now

 

CngrtsAss: Everything I’ve ever known is a lie

 

CngrtsAss: But I love you just the same and there is nothing wrong with a healthy sex life

 

Baguette: Sorry, um, Alex and Eliza???

 

PureBagel: Yeah, we dated for a bit in college, but it wasnt meant to last. No hard feelings, obviously

 

#Ham4Pan: It was a mutual decision to end things.

 

PureBagel: It was good while it lasted though, John has a good man

 

Turtles: yeah, but um,  _ you slept with herc?? _

 

#Ham4Pan: Don’t let Eliza fool you, she’s kinky as fuck.

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my...

 

ZeroToHero: She did, she’s wild, but it was in high school

 

Burr: I’m not even jealous, like… if I was jealous I’d be jealous of Herc… She’s pretty great

 

PureBagel: You are a good friend burr, especially with that one time you helped me get that guy at the bar.

 

ZeroToHero: She is great, not as great you tho babe

 

Burr: Aww, Hero, shut up

 

GeorgeW.: Yu are vry vute togher.

 

Burr: Mr. Washington, aww… thank you

 

Baguette: I am proud to be part of the only couple that has not slept with Eliza at all

 

GeorgeW.: I am sre eliz is wondrful, be mice Gilbert

 

Turtles: become a mouse laf

 

PureBagel: Leave him alone John!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i forgot to update
> 
> -Glenn


	31. Heck Check

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally! They roasted Laf!!

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; George is GeorgeW. ; Lafayette is Baguette ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Burr is Burr ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that Laf could be lying. We do not know for sure that he is wearing a wig.

 

Baguette: (Image attached)   
  
GeorgeW.: You look beautiful Gilbert!

 

SayNoToWeiners: Stylin’ and profilin’, Laffy Taffy

 

#Ham4Pan: I stand corrected.

 

Burr: You look nice and all, but whats with that hat

 

Turtles: lolololol

 

ZeroToHero: Why would you ever wear that hat out in public

 

Baguette: It is a fashion statement, not that you would know what fashion is

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, it is kind of awful.

 

Burr: Just like his dancing

 

GeorgeW.: Ar yu all fryng my Gilbert?

 

CngrtsAss: Hell fucking yeah we’re roasting Laf

 

Turtles:  _ werent we gonna roast him like… forever ago and we never did _

 

PureBagel: Yes, yes we were. It’s time, Laf.

 

Baguette: I accept my fate.

 

Burr: Gil, your face looks like… I can’t think of an insult you actually look really nice

 

ZeroToHero: You slept with Thomas Jefferson

 

Turtles:  _ woah herc  _ **_dial it back_ **

 

CngrtsAss: Your hair looks so bad in the morning

 

PureBagel: Before you got together with George, you spent like three whole days in my apartment talking about him

 

GeorgeW.: You are a very good cook!

 

Baguette: Callin me out liza, jeez

 

Turtles: gwash,,, my man,,, thats not what this is

 

#Ham4Pan: You are supposed to insult him, sir.

 

GeorgeW.: Why wou;d I evr do tht?

 

Baguette: I don’t feel very roasted

 

Baguette: That’s what roasting is baby 

 

PureBagel: AGH GOD END ME ADSLJLGJGALAHDSGOEIRG

 

PureBagel: You guys are literally adorable

 

Burr: I literally cannot insult Laf….

 

ZeroToHero: You haven’t been friends with him long enough

 

Turtles: lololololol  _ get rekt _

 

#Ham4Pan: Tu es une pute.

 

Baguette: SHIT HERE WE GO, YES HAMMY ROAST ME

 

#Ham4Pan: Ta mère est une prostituée.

 

Baguette: I’LL NEVER KNOW CAUSE SHE DIED BUT YES GET IT

 

Turtles: i am so lost

 

GeorgeW.: Dnt say that abut his moter!

 

PureBagel: He doesn’t mean it, GWash, it’s part of the roasting

 

ZeroToHero: Why does he know French

 

Baguette: Well, you see… I speak of lot of French, when he’s in my sous-vêtements   
  


Burr:  _ I Knew It _

 

#Ham4Pan: LAF, THAT IS MY BOSS!

 

Turtles: Still lost

 

SayNoToWeiners: Guys TRIG MAKES ME WANT TO DIIIEEEEEEEEEE

 

ZeroToHero: Where the fuck did that come from

 

Burr: Oh, hey Peggy

 

SayNoToWeiners: I just left my tutoring session, this really pretty girl tutors me and I can’t really focus and like… I don’t get it anyway so her face isn’t helping

 

CngtrsAss: Margaret Schuyler learn your school shit!

 

SayNoToWeiners: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO UR NOT MY DAD I S2G

 

PureBagel: Pegs, pls, just try

 

GeorgeW.: S2g?

 

SayNoToWeiners: I am trying, like really hard, just… trig makes me…….. shook

 

PureBagel: Okay, if you ever need any more help, I can help too

 

Turtles: PEGS I AM SHOOK 25/8 OKAY

 

SayNoToWeiners: BOY YOU KNOW IT

 

Burr: What are you millennials on about

 

SayNoToWeiners:  _ i am not a millennial i swear to jesus burr ill chop ur weiner off _

 

ZeroToHero: Babe, we’re all millennials?????

 

Turtles: not gman

 

GeorgW.: Ys I am.

 

Burr: I don’t speak how these millennials speak, I speak with proper english

 

SayNoToWeiners: I FOOKIN SPEAK JUST FOOOKIN FINNNEEEE DONT MAKE ME MORE SHOOK BETCH

 

Burr: See

 

CngrtsAss: I keep forgetting Boss is like… young...

 

#Ham4Pan: You all forget the POTUS’ age, but alas, I do not.

 

CngrtsAss: HE ISN’T THE FUCKING POTUS ALEX ILL KILL YOU OH MY FUCKNG GOD YOU FUCKI SDHGKHJAGLKJDHGSDGKFJH

 

PureBagel: Oh dear

 

GeorgeW.: I m nt te President of the United States

 

Turtles: WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT THIS IS NOT REAL I FEEL LIKE HE PICKS AND CHOOSES WHEN TO SPELL PROPERLY WHAT WHAT PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS

 

Baguette: He does not, I watch him type, he just gets better sometimes

 

Turtles: HE SPELLS PROPERLY FOR THINGS LIKE POTUS AND HE ALWAYS SPELLS SHIT RIGHT WHEN IT’S ABOUT LAF

 

Turtles: NO NO NO LAF NO HE DOES NOT JUST GET BETTER THIS IS A CONSPIRACY THE ILLUMINATI IS REAL, ISIS IS INVOLVED NORTH KOREA IS UPON US

 

Baguette: Come into the office. Watch him type.

 

#Ham4Pan: I can confirm that Mr. Washington does not choose his spelling mistakes.

 

Turtles: oih for fusck saek

 

Burr: (Private chat to Turtles) I see it, John, he always spells stuff about Laf right

 

ZeroToHero: I mean… John kinda has a point

 

Turtles: (Private chat to Burr) THANK YOU THIS IS A CONSPIRACY BURR

 

Turtles: I fuckING LOVE BURRCLES RN

 

SayNoToWeiners: im tired aaaffffffffffffffff

 

Burr: Me too Peggy, me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i forgot to update... have two chapters in one day lol
> 
> -Glenn


	32. Chocolate Chippy Chap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck there's just so much that happens.
> 
> Everyone's in this chap

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: I'm just saying that this is ridiculous.

 

Turtles: and we're not disagreeing

 

ZeroToHero: But, Alex, why did you start this madness

 

#Ham4Pan: It wasn't on purpose!

 

Turtles: babe….

 

#Ham4Pan: It started as the people I wanted to invite over for our dinner party, but then I accidentally clicked on the groupchat that has everyone I have ever spoken to in it. 

 

CngrtsAss: You literally cannot fit all these people in your house.

 

PureBagel: Your “dining table” has two chairs

 

Turtles: biTCH DO NOT PUT QUOTES AROUND OUR DINING TABLE

 

Turtles: DO NOT PUT MY BABY IN THAT BOX

 

Turtles: NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER

 

Baguette: You put the table in the corner yourself

 

Macaroni_Man: Good movie

 

GeorgeW.: I hd fun

 

Baguette: How was this even a thing to begin with, we’ve never had all of these people in a groupchat...

 

ZeroToHero: Yes we have

 

Burr: I doubt it

 

PureBagel: I like it, all of the people I like are here

 

Macaroni_Man: You like me?

 

PureBagel: Well yeah… you make funny jokes

 

SayNoToWeiners: there is so much happening….

 

BalletBitch: I’m still pissed you invited me, I’m in France you fucking whore

 

Baguette: I put you on skype!

 

#Ham4Pan: Je regrette, Adrienne.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I liked the food, even though I only got like two bites before I realized I was allergic to it.

 

Turtles: what aren’t you fucking allergic to

 

Macaroni’s_Man: ...

 

Macaroni_Man: My dick

 

PureBagel: MY EYES

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my… 

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Is there a way to disapprovingly but concedingly use ellipses to reply to that 

 

CngrtsAss: (Oh bringing the old days back) HER EYES

 

Burr: You are the worst 

 

Turtles: BITCH YOU DON’T GET TO SAY THAT

 

ZeroToHero: You’re the worst, my love

 

PureBagel:  _ Awwwwwwwwwww _

 

SayNoToWeiners: Oh my god, what the fuck?

 

SayNoToWeiners: GUESS WHO JUST PASSED HER PHYSICS TEST

 

Turtles: ur mum?

 

GeorgeW.: Am so prod!

 

SayNoToWeiners: FUCK GWASH, I LOVE YOU

 

Baguete: Do not fuck Georgey

 

GeorgeW.: Ilyt

 

PureBagel: He’s so cute

 

Turtles: my man, did u just use an abbreviation?????

 

Baguette: Not  _ ur _ man

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I can’t wait to see this couple just get married already

 

Burr: You invited those guys?

 

#Ham4Pan: YOU FUCKING INVITED THOMAS JEFFERSON TO YOUR WEDDING?!

 

GeorgeW.: I dd.

 

Baguette: Georgey wanted you all there, don’t shout at him

 

Rthrbnlndn: i am so excited for the wedding

 

BalletBitch: Wait, laf, who the fuck is that^

 

Turtles: IT’S FUCKING JOHN BARKER CHURCH

 

BalletBitch: And is Macaroni_Man noodle arms?

 

Baguette: Addy, votre mémoire est terrible

 

BalletBitch: Shut the fuck up Gilly, you forgot you fucked James

 

Baguette: YOU FUCKING WHORE, NOT IN FRONT OF MY GEORGEY

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Is there a way to say ellipses but with exclamation points?

 

SayNoToWeiners: wait who fucked who

 

BalletBitch: Laffy has fucked almost every male in this chat

 

GeorgeW.: …

 

Macaroni_Man: Shit.

 

Turtles: tru

 

#Ham4Pan: True.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: It was only one time with Thomas!

 

ZeroToHero: True

 

Burr: Et tu, Brute?

 

ZeroToHero: Listen, Laf and I were together and drunk and lonely, it was before I met you

 

Turtles: wait, alex, u fucked laf?

 

Baguette: And you were all shocked to find he liked guys

 

#Ham4Pan: John, you fucked Laf?

 

Turtles: i did

 

Baguette: I’M A WHORE OKAY GET OVER IT

 

GeorgeW.: You’re not a whore, Gilbert.

 

PureBagel: THE MAN DEFENDING HIS BABE AHHHHHHHHHHH

 

SayNoToThis: I wish I fucked laf

 

Rthrbnlndn: i have not slept with lafayette.

 

CngrtssAss: Babe, no… shut up

 

GeorgeW.: I knw yu aven’t, Joh Brker Churc, yu are a pefect bing. 

 

Baguette: MARGARET PEGGY SCHUYLER YOU ARE UNDERAGE AND LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER

 

SayNoToWeiners: And i’m gay? DuH?

 

BalletBitch: My parents always fucking thought Gilly and I would fucking get married and shit

 

BalletBitch: But he’s got a tiny dick so...

 

GeorgeW.: He does not!

 

PureBagel: GEORGE WASHINGTON!

 

GeorgeW.: Oh… 

 

Turtles: LIZA DONT FUCKIN CHASTISE GROUPCHAT DAD

 

Burr: Leave him alone, I learned that lesson the hard way

 

ZeroToHero: He defended Laf’s honor

 

CnrgtsAss: ELIZABETH SCHUYLER

 

#Ham4Pan: He does not have a small dick.

 

Turtles: well… he defended laf’s dick

 

ZeroToHero: Can confirm

 

Turtles: yup, big dick alert

 

Burr: Yeah, he does

 

ZeroToHero: I’m sorry?

 

Baguette: YOU ARE  _ THE WORST _ BURR

 

Baguette:  **_Shut the fuck up Burr dear god_ **

 

ZeroToHero: I’m  _ sorry _ ?

 

GeorgeW.: Oh my Lrd

 

SayNoToWeiners: BITCH THE FUCK

 

#Ham4Pan: HAHAHAHA!

 

Turtles: get the fuck outta here with that exclimation point bitch

 

ZeroToHero:  **_ET TU, BRUTE?_ **

 

Burr: So… I had hoped to not tell everyone but Laf and I screwed around when I studied abroad in France

 

BalletBitch: SO THIS IS THE HOE U WERE SCREWIN

 

ZeroToHero: That’s why you never talk about that trip

 

Baguette: Don’t call him a hoe, that’s rude

 

Burr: I’m not the type for one-night stands, or ten-ish as the case may be, but I was in France.

 

Turtles: i’m shooketh

 

ZeroToHero: TEN TIMES

 

ZeroTohero: TEN TIMES

 

Burr: ish

 

ZeroToHero: TEN TIMES

 

Baguette: I am a passionate lover, they always want more

 

Turtles: herc chill

 

ZeroToHero: TEN TIMES

 

Burr: That’s true

 

ZeroToHero:  **_TEN TIMES_ **

 

Burr: ish, yeah

 

#Ham4Pan: I think Hercules is going to explode.

 

ZeroToHero: I’m going to stab a sewing needle into my eye

 

Burr: shit uh gotta go bye uhhhhhhh

 

ZeroToHero: Or someone else’s eye

 

Burr: WaIT NEvErMInD

 

Baguette: Herc, ily, but dont be mad, it’s not Burr’s fault I’m hot as hell 

 

Turtles: this is fucking wild what the hell

 

GeorgeW.: You are.

 

PureBagel: George gettin’ up in here with the smoothness during these wild times

 

ZeroToHero: I really shouldn’t be mad… I fucked Laf real hard

 

GeorgeW.: Fuck. 

 

GeorgeW.: (Removed GeorgeW. from the conversation)

 

PureBagel: EGOREG WAH _ SIN _ TGON

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtiestBagelEver)

 

SayNoToWeiners: fucking end me

 

CngrtsAss: OH my god I can’t believe this

 

SayNoToWeiners: (Removed SayNoToWeiners from the conversation)

 

#Ham4Pan: Mr. George Washington, the POTUS, just uttered a curse word… How is this real life?

 

Turtles: om literally fuckking crrying

 

Rthrbnlndn: i’m devastated.

 

Baguette: Guys, he curse all the time in bed

 

DirtiestBagelEver: NO  _ NO  _ **_NO_ ** **_NONONONONONO_ **

 

#Ham4Pan: DO NOT RUIN THE IMAGE OF MR. WASHINGTON FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF AMERICA!

 

CngrtsAss: HES NOT THE FKCNUG POTUS DAMN IT ALEX

 

Turtles: THAT ISTNNT WAAT WE SHHOULD BE FOCCUSING OONNNNN

 

ZeroToHero: OH MY GOD WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING ANYMORE

 

Burr: fucking shit

 

Turtles: weRE AL FFUCKIN G S HOUTING BU RRRR

 

Burr: John is literally cry-typing someone help him

 

Turtles: CCRRYYPINNGG

 

#Ham4Pan: Somos todos cryping.

 

Turtles: AFJLSAFLDKJEILS

 

Turtles: WAIT SHIT GUYS FUCKING FORGET WASH CURSINGF

 

Turtles: HOW DID BURR AND LAF FUCK IF THEYRE BOTH BOTTOMS

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron we need answers

 

Baguette: I fucked Burr

 

Burr: (Removed Burr from the conversation)

 

#Ham4Pan: That is not how I thought that would go, for some reason.

 

ZeroToHero: I always knew Laf had a dominant streak

 

Baguette: Is Aaron always whiney in bed

 

Turtles: im very shook

 

ZeroToHero: ………..yeah 

 

Rthrbnldn: (Removed Rthrbnldn from the conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: I coulda guessed that, Laf and I have been friends for a while

 

Macaroni_Man: What the fuck did we walk into

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Yes, he also… with me…. was that...

 

ZeroToHero: FUCKING NO I FUCKING QUIT LIFE

 

Macaroni’s_Man: It was a spur of the moment kinda thing!

 

ZeroToHero: (Removed ZeroToHero from conversation)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I blame Thomas, he insinuated, he instigated, he orchestrated

 

Macaroni_Man: Hell yeah I did, I love watching my baby get fucked

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed #Ham4Pan from the conversation)

 

DirtiestBagelEver: (Removed DirtiestBagelEver from the conversation)

 

CngrtsAss: (Removed CnrtsAss from the conversation)

 

Turtles: (Removed Turtles from the conversation)

 

Baguette: (Removed Baguette from the conversation)

 

BalletBitch: (Removed BalletBitch from the conversation)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Did you really have to say that to everybody

 

Macaroni_Man: You know I love you, Jams

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Yeah, but it’s embarrassing

 

Macaroni_Man: Don’t lie, you like it

 

Macaroni’s_Man: (Removed Macaroni_Man from the conversation)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: What an ass

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Wait I’m alone

 

Macaroni’s_Man: (Removed Macaroni’s_Man from the conversation)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUcking just fuck witajeafAIJf
> 
> -Glenn


	33. Best Man and Maid of Honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding is in a few days! Bachelor party panic (and general Laf panic) is bound to happen.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; George is GeorgeW.

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying you need to take a deep breath. 

 

GeorgeW.: Nedaryt!@

 

#Ham4Pan: Sir, I cannot understand you. 

 

GeorgeW.: Need apry!

 

#Ham4Pan: You need what?

 

GeorgeW.: ParY!

 

#Ham4Pan: Oh! You need a party! You’re concerned about your bachelor party.

 

GeorgeW.: Ye!! Tank gd

 

#Ham4Pan: What kind of best man do you think I am? I have everything figured out.

 

GeorgeW.: Grat!

 

#Ham4Pan: There’s nothing left for you to stress about, take a bath.

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert isn’t home, y wuld i do tht?

 

#Ham4Pan: Well, it’s a perfect time for you to relax by yourself. Take a breather.

 

GeorgeW.: Breathe?

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, sir. You should allow yourself a moment of calm. Get a finger of scotch and run yourself a bath. 

 

GeorgeW.: Calm

 

#Ham4Pan: Just take a deep breath. Please don’t work yourself into a panic. I don’t know how to handle another person’s panic attack. 

 

GeorgeW.: Yes, cam and breate. Undesantd

 

#Ham4Pan: I don’t really feel like you understand what I’m telling you to do. 

 

GeorgeW.: Toatlly do

 

#Ham4Pan: Tell me what I want you to do.

 

GeorgeW.: Calm ad breahe

 

#Ham4Pan: And what else?

 

GeorgeW.: Dont… panic?

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, but I told you to do something...

 

GeorgeW.: … bathe? Am i unlcean?

 

#Ham4Pan: No, a bath is good for relaxing. John runs me a bath when I’ve had a really stressful day.

 

GeorgeW.: Okay...

 

#Ham4Pan: Maybe forget the scotch and make yourself some tea. 

 

GeorgeW.: Love teA!

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, there you go. Make yourself a nice cup of your favorite tea.

 

GeorgeW.: Tea, clam, breath

 

#Ham4Pan: Look at you go… Now, actually do it. Everything is going to be fine, sir. 

 

GeorgeW.: … Are you sure?

 

#Ham4Pan:All of the things you are able to have done are done. The caterer is planned, we have flowers, the church is decorated, Laf has his suit, you have yours, the bridesmaids have their dresses, the groomsmen have their suits. Everything is fine. You need to calm down. 

 

GeorgeW.: Gona go tea, by

 

#Ham4Pan: Have fun.

  
  


Eliza is PureBagel ; Lafayette is Baguette

 

Baguette: ELIZA I STILL NEED TO GET WAXED

 

PureBagel: Laf, please chill out you’re killing me

 

Baguette: ELIZA THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO DO

 

PureBagel: And you have all of them planned out for you in a very neat schedule

 

Baguette: ELIZA I AM STRESSSSSSSSED   
  


PureBagel: Do something to calm down

 

Baguette: ELIZA WHAT IF MY SUIT IS UGLY

 

PureBagel: It’s not

 

Baguette: ELIZA I LOST MY SCHEDULE

 

PureBagel: I put it on your phone’s calendar, emailed it to you, and printed it and gave it to George.

 

Baguette: ELIZA I LOVE YOU

 

PureBagel: I love you to Laf

 

Baguette: Eliza what are we doing during my bachelor party tell me s’il vous plait

 

PureBagel: Waxing, nails, getting really drunk except for Peggy

 

Baguette: Is that it? No surprises? I can handle that

 

PureBagel: … Adri wanted to get a stripper

 

Baguette: ELIZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Baguette: ELIZA PEGGY IS A CHILD

 

PureBagel: Not anymore....

 

Baguette: ELIZA MY BABY

 

PureBagel: I’m not saying I’m happy about it, but do you want one?

 

Baguette: Eliza, Addy is going to  _ ruin _ her, oh mon DIEU

 

PureBagel: It’s a little late for that dude

 

Baguette: MY BABY DESERVES BETTER

 

PureBagel: Which one is your baby

 

Baguette:  _ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I LOVE THEM BOTH EQUALLY AND THINK PEGGY DESERVES A WOMAN WHO WILL TREAT HER RIGHT AND THINK THAT ADDY NEEDS SOMEONE WHO LIVES CLOSER TO HER _

 

PureBagel: I don’t think either one of them are planning on this being a long term thing

 

Baguette: Oh, you haven’t heard the way Addy talks about Peggy

 

PureBagel: Now that you mention it Peggy won’t shut up about Adri either

 

Baguette: I just… I’m worried they’re going to get hurt because of the distance

 

PureBagel: I think they’ll be fine, you know Peggy dated some chick in Spain for a while in 11th grade.

 

Baguette: I know, but Addy is a passionate lover (like in the love sense not the ew) and when she has her person she  _ needs _ her person

 

PureBagel: I get it. But she can take care of herself, they’ll be fine

 

Baguette: I just worry for my girls

 

PureBagel: I do too. But I trust them

 

Baguette: Just like I worry for you

 

PureBagel: I don’t… do the dating thing 

 

Baguette: I know, sweetie, I just want you to be happy 

 

PureBagel: I am. Get ready for your party, Laf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUck you guys the wedding is in four days aiwhafkjwfa
> 
> -Glenn
> 
> EDIT
> 
> sorry I don't comment back as much as Glenn, I see your comments and I love them... also if you ever wanna chat my tumblr is myephemeral-love hit me up
> 
> -sobermeup


	34. September 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Separate one shot.

We have created a separate one-shot for the wedding. It's not texts, so if normal story isn't your thing just wait for the next chapter :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190728

Hope you all enjoy!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been out with my band all night so sorry this notice is posted late!! Where I am, it was still September 26 when all this was posted.
> 
> -Glenn


	35. Choodlepoodletoodler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE WEDDING FINALLY HAPPENED!!!
> 
> Edit: here's the link to the wedding, read it first 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190728
> 
> -sobermeup

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch

 

#Ham4Pan: Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier-Washington, Marquis de Lafayette,  _ I am going to kill you _ .

 

PureBagel: I cannot even believe this

 

CngrtsAss:  **Why would you even hide your engagement?!**

 

ZeroToHero: I’ve known for a while

 

Turtles: ive known longer than Alex

 

SayNoToWeiners: So John proposed

 

Turtles: yes and no

 

ZeroToHero: ?

 

Burr: How ?

 

#Ham4Pan: John, do you have to tell them?

 

Turtles: yes you bitch.

 

Turtles: we went out to a nice restaurant. i showered him with affection. we had a lovely dinner and the dessert came out. in that dessert i had a ring for the proposal. alex ate the whole fucking cake. he ate the fucking ring  _ he just  _ **_fucking ate it_ **

 

#Ham4Pan: He didn’t say anything!

 

BalletBitch: OH my fucking god Hammy you ate an engagement ring

 

ZeroToHero: WHAT THE FUCK I HADN’T HEARD THIS

 

CngrtsAss: That’s hilarious but how did you guys actually get engaged?

 

#Ham4Pan: The water was cascading down my love’s beautiful face, and I had never felt so happy. I looked him in the eyes and asked him to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Turtles: we had just fucked in the shower and he asked me to marry him. i cried

 

CngrtsAss: That’s… fitting

 

PureBagel: I’m not sure if thats disturbing or cute

 

GeorgeW.: Oh my.... 

 

#Ham4Pan: Obviously, he said yes, and now we’re here.

 

Baguette: Hello!

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ You fucking piece of shit whore fuck you! _

 

Baguette:  _ Goodbye _ !

 

#Ham4Pan:  **_Come back here you bitch!_ **

 

GeorgeW.: Do nt say tht to my husband.

 

PureBagel: awwwwww

 

Rthrbnlndn: congratulations sir!

 

Baguette: Thank you Jhn Brkr Chrch

 

Rthrbnlndn: did you just… write my name without vowels because of my username?

 

Baguette: … Did I?

 

SayNoToWeiners: Savage

 

CngrtsAss: Leave him alone you are all so mean to him

 

BalletBitch: My best fucking friend is married!!! Fuck!!!

 

Baguette: Fuck Addy I am!!! I’m so happy!!

 

GeorgeW.: I a hapy to!

 

#Ham4Pan: Lafayette, why did you tell everyone I am engaged? Fuck you.

 

Baguette: I was tired of your sneaky faces. Also, stop being so worried about overshadowing other people. You are important too.

 

#Ham4Pan: Well… I suppose that’s alright.

 

ZeroToHero: You know… I’m engaged too now.

 

Burr: Yeah. Yeah we are.

 

SayNoToWeiners: I’m not

 

BalletBitch: Same

 

SayNoToWeiners: I would hope you aren’t, Addy.

 

PureBagel: Hmmmmmmmmm

 

CngrtsAss: Adrienne you better be nice to her

 

BalletBitch: Ah, oui. I would never hurt her.

 

SayNoToWeiners:  **_:)_ **

 

Rthrbnlndn: wait

 

Baguette:  _ I love you both equally I don’t know who to tell not to hurt who _

 

Turtles: im confused

 

Burr: Hero and I are gonna get married

 

#Ham4Pan: John, Peggy and Adrienne are a thing.  _ Catch up _ .

 

Turtles: savage. okay

 

BalletBitch: Mon dieu Aaron is going to be the most annoying with the fucking engagement

 

ZeroToHero: I’m gonna super happy about it too.

 

Burr: I love you Hero

 

ZeroToHero: I love you babe

 

PureBagel: AWWWW EVERYONE IS SO CUTE IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

Rthrbnlndn: yeah, they are.

 

CngrtsAss: … John

 

Rthrbnlndn: what?

 

CngrtsAss: We are in a relationship. You could have said we are.

 

Rthrbnlndn: i didn’t want to be conceded.

 

CngrtsAss: Well, I think we’re pretty cute

 

Rthrbnlndn: aw, angel, i yolk you.

 

CngrtsAss: I yolk you too dummy

 

Turtles: yolk????

 

#Ham4Pan: Do not infringe upon their strange but cute relationship quirks, Jonathan.

 

Baguette: We’re all gonna be  _ fucking _ married.

 

Turtles:  _ thats not even my name for gods sake alex weve been over this _

 

PureBagel: Speaking of that, Alex and John, you guys have been engaged for like, ever, when’s your wedding

 

Turtles: uhhhhhh _ hhhhhh _

 

#Ham4Pan: We don’t exactly know. When is Burr and Herc’s?

 

ZeroToHero: We don’t know either, still kinda just happy to be committed to it.

 

SayNoToWeiners: So…. there’s just an indefinite date to both of these weddings and they will happen whenever?

 

Burr: Yeah I guess

 

Turtles: i feel like our entire wedding could just be alexs vows and it would be perfectly beautiful and fine

 

Baguette: His vows will probably last the length of three entire weddings

 

Burr: True

 

#Ham4Pan: That is accurate.

 

Baguette: My husband, **the** _President of the United States_ , I don't know if you've heard of him, made the most amazing vows.

 

CngrtsAss: HES NOT THE FUCKING POTUS, NOT YOU TOO GODDAMN IT LAFAYETTE

 

GeorgeW.: Thak yo Gilbert

 

Baguette: You're welcome Georgey

 

BalletBitch: You are fucking adorable

 

GeorgeW.: Your vows were beautiful as well, my love.

 

Baguette: I’m so gay _!!!! _

 

#Ham4Pan: John, did you just throw something?

 

Turtles: no

 

#Ham4Pan: John?

 

Turtles: okay fine theres a spider i threw my book at it

 

#Ham4Pan: A spider?! Oh fuck!

 

SayNoToWeiners: guys,,, just take it outside or something

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ I do not want to disturb it’s peaceful existence, but I am terrified of it. _

 

CngrtsAss: Jesus Alex it’s not that existential

 

BalletBitch: Yes it fucking is

  
BalletBitch: Do we have a fucking right to uproot other creatures for our own safety and comfort? Why do we as a species believe that it’s fucking fine to harm other beings for our pleasure?

 

SayNoToWeiners:  Addy ?

 

BalletBitch: All that being said, it is probably better for the damn spider out of doors.

 

Rthrbnlndn: that was extremely deep. i am going to be thinking about that for a long time.

 

CngrtsAss: John I support your interests but really?

 

Rthrbnlndn: yes

 

#Ham4Pan: John, please, take the spider outside.

 

Turtles: you cant tell me what to do

 

#Ham4Pan: I’ll suck your dick if you do.

 

Turtles: alright spiders going outside

 

GeorgeW.: Oh, my...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever tried replacing every vowel in a word with "oodle", for example, the title.  
> Chapter=Choodlepoodletoodler
> 
> -Glenn but this was sobermeup's idea


	36. Hell Yeah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne and Peggy? Herc and Burr? James and Thomas?

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Burr is Burr ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: I'm just saying no person deserves Peggy.

 

Baguette: Adrienne is the best match

 

Turtles: they better b nice to each other

 

#Ham4Pan: You couldn't have typed “be?”

 

Turtles: no

 

ZeroToHero: I think it's a good match

 

GeorgeW.: I lke te mach.

 

Macaroni_Man: If Washington likes the match why are we even debating this?

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ Why the fuck are you here? _

 

Macaroni’s_Man: We know Peggy, remember

 

Turtles: you fuckwads dont know her well enough to be a psrt of this

 

PureBagel: I am concerned for her

 

Baguette: I am concerned for them both

 

GeorgeW.: I thnk we shuld alow thm to dcide for thmselve.

 

Baguette: Yes husband we should allow them to decide for themselves, but I can still worry

 

GeorgeW.: Okay, Gilbert

 

CngrtsAss: Still don't know if I like Adrienne tho

 

PureBagel: They like each other, but I'm still gonna worry

 

CngrtsAss: Everyone is in relationships now

 

#Ham4Pan: I love my fiancé

 

Turtles: awwww ilyt

 

Burr: I love my fiancé more

 

ZeroToHero: Babe, you're cute

 

GeorgeW.: I love my husband.

 

Baguette: I love you so much Georgey. Take that you dicks, we’re married.

 

CngrtsAss: John and I are very happy together

 

PureBagel: I’m happy too!!

 

Macaroni_Man: James and I have been married for like three years

 

Macaroni’s_Man: No we haven't, don't believe his lies

 

Baguette: Why aren't you tho?

 

Macaroni_Man: Don't feel like it

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Too much work

 

Macaroni_Man: We’re happy as we are, marriage isn't for us

 

Turtles: thats fair

 

#Ham4Pan: However, we still hate you.

 

Burr: I'm getting married

 

ZeroToHero: Holy shit me too

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Sorry, missed part of the wedding bc I got sick, what????

 

Macaroni_Man: I was also taking care of my sickly boyfriend

 

Burr: Hercules proposed to me and it was beautiful and perfect.

 

Turtles: he cried like a fucking baby

 

#Ham4Pan: You cried when I proposed.

 

Macaroni_Man: You both got engaged at the wedding???

 

Baguette: No, Alexander and Johnny have been engaged for a long while but I told everyone at the wedding

 

Turtles: why did you have to call me johnny

 

#Ham4Pan: Why can you not simply turn on automatic capitalization?

 

GeorgeW.: Alxndr wa not hapy wih my Gilbert.

 

Macaroni_Man: You guys were hiding your fucking engagment? Why?

 

Turtles: alex didnt think he was important enough to be the center of attention

 

#Ham4Pan: I didn't want to overshadow others!

 

Burr: Nothing can outshine Hero and I

 

Baguette: That was too much

 

ZeroToHero: Yeah, but I love you anyway babe

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Still don't quite,,,understand that

 

Turtles: herc fucked burr bc he has a daddy kink and then they ended up dating

 

ZeroToHero:  **That Is Not What Happened**

 

Burr: I mean…

 

ZeroToHero: Liar. He lies. Do not believe his lies.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Alright so what actually happened

 

ZeroToHero: He made a pass at me and I went for it but then we fell in love so

 

Macaroni_Man: Okay… so all of what John said is true

 

CngrtsAss: Except for the daddy kink

 

PureBagel: Normally I would say something about my pure eyes or whatever but I've heard this story too many times to care

 

Baguette: I still happen to find this story absolutely hilarious

 

#Ham4Pan: That is a strangely constructed sentence.

 

PureBagel: Not technically incorrect

 

CngrtsAss: Madison, just want to know, why are you always sick? Why are allergic to everything? What is wrong with you?

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Just runs in the family, I guess. My dad was the same way

 

Turtles: did he die

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Yeah.

 

#Ham4Pan: My parents are also dead!

 

Baguette: Dead parents club!!!

 

Burr: I mean I have an adopted family but my original family is dead so…

 

Macaroni’s_Man: My mom is still alive

 

Macaroni_Man: That’s… really dark. Are you guys okay?

 

Baguette: Yes Tomass we’re fine

 

Macaroni’s_Man: … I feel like you’re deflecting with humour

 

#Ham4Pan: Shut up, you sick dick.

 

Burr: Just let it go Jimmy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is short guys I felt bad we didn't post last week and I just wanted to get this chapter out for you and James is such a mood rn  
> Anyway  
> A HUGE thank you to MysteryBeing ;) for the fanart they made!!! It's awesome and perfect and we love it soooooo much https://n-oy-a.tumblr.com/post/166396078283/glennthewalmartguy-and-sobermeups-beautiful-fic
> 
> -Glenn


	37. Just the Bros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just the og gang, Laf is very present

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that pickles are nasty and you’re disgusting for liking them. Kindly fuck off, thank you.

 

ZeroToHero:  _ Why are you so angry _

 

Turtles: do u not know of  _ the pickle thing _

 

Lafayette: No?

 

#Ham4Pan: Fucking pickles. They’re the WORST!

 

Turtles: once upon a time, in college…. 

 

Turtles: my love, alex, (yet to be my love, i heard this story from liza, actually kinda shook y’all don’t know it) was having another  **DISCOURSE** **™**

 

ZeroToHero: “y’all”

 

Baguette: Oh god I think I know this story

 

Turtles: with the one, the ONLY, tHE TOMASS JEFFRESON

 

Turtles: you see, tomass bet alex that he couldn’t eat a whole jar of pickle slices

 

#Ham4Pan: DILL PICKLES, JONATHAN, FULL DILL PICKLES. NOT SLICES.

 

ZeroToHero: Don’t ever bet Alex anything dear Jesus

 

Turtles: alex proudly ate the entire jar of  **_full dill pickles not slices_ **

 

Baguette: That is straight up nasty

 

Turtles: Yes, I know. 

 

#Ham4Pan:  _ JOHN, LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! _

 

Turtles: it cuz i luv u

 

#Ham4Pan: You disgust me almost as much as pickles.

 

Turtles: aNNNNNNyWAYY, tomass owed alex thirty two dollars and twelve cents

 

#Ham4Pan: Pickles can suck my Doug Dimmadick ™.

 

Turtles: get the fuck out of my home

 

Turtles: but despite his winning, alex went home and promptly threw up a full jar of pickles

 

Baguette: NASTY

 

Turtles: that’s why he doesn’t like pickles

 

ZeroToHero: I’m sorry I bought you pickle flavored chips

 

#Ham4Pan: You’re lucky I’m still going to allow you into my home, Hercules.

 

Turtles: don’t mention pickles he gets salty

 

ZeroToHero: I can see that jesus

 

Baguette: Is this a bad time to mention I left a jar of pickles in your fridge

 

#Ham4Pan: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU AND THE POTUS!

 

Turtles: he won’t, i’ll protect  ur precious babies (in my mouth)

 

#Ham4Pan: AH! 

 

#Ham4Pan: IF YOU EAT THOSE PICKLES I WILL NEVER TOUCH YOU AGAIN!

 

Turtles: jk, they are goin down the trash disposal

 

Baguette:  _ my pickles _

 

ZeroToHero: I’ll get you a new jar 

 

Baguette: Free pickles!

 

#Ham4Pan: You disgust me. 

 

Turtles: let’s move oN FROM THE PICKLES LADIES

 

Baguette: Okay, so, I am the fanciest lady

 

Turtles: i didnt say u werent

 

ZeroToHero: Are you gonna elaborate or ?

 

Turtles: ilaberote what

 

#Ham4Pan: It is a well-known fact that Laf is the fanciest lady.

 

#Ham4Pan: Also, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight, for that.

 

Turtles:  i cant even b mad about it tho

 

Turtles: plus, i’ve never actually slept on the couch when uve said that

 

#Ham4Pan: That is not true.

 

Turtles: i always seduce u into submission

 

Baguette: Guys please

 

Turtles: it is true fuck off

 

#Ham4Pan: I get cold you fucking bastard.

 

Baguette: Sigh. SIGH!

 

ZeroToHero: -___________-

 

Turtles: MEE _ EEEE _

 

Baguette: :(: :):

 

Baguette: LOOK WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED, YOU MAKE SMILIES AND FROWNIES EITHER WAY OH MY LORD LOOK

 

#Ham4Pan: It looks like a spider or something. 

 

Turtles: hes turning into his husband

 

Baguette: Wht do yu mean by tht?

 

Turtles: oh my FUCKIN LORDY STOP IT RIGHT NOW YOU BE KIND TO GROUPCHAT DAD

 

ZeroToHero: What happened to never making fun of GWash?

 

Baguette: I love him, he’s my husband, I’m the only one allowed

 

Turtles: NOT IN MY FUCKIN HOUSE, YOU BE KIND TO CROWDTALK FATHER

 

ZeroToHero: Do you see what he jsut did there, I am 

 

ZeroToHero: Disgusted

 

#Ham4Pan: I appreciate the use of synonyms, but it was unwarranted.

 

ZeroToHero: And appalled

 

Baguette: i AM WHEEEEEZING I CANNOT BREATHE CORWDTAK FAHER HAHAHAHA

 

Turtles: oh no, did i break him

 

Baguette: John There Is No Excuse For That Word

 

Turtles: well that was a quick switch

 

Baguette: I got over the funny, don’t be dummy

 

Turtles: I think Laf is drunk

 

Baguette: I ahev never ben too sober in MY LIFE

 

ZeroToHero: At least tipsy, he’s using the wrong english word for things

 

Baguette: I HAVE ENEVR EVEN DRANKED AN ALchoL 

 

#Ham4Pan: I am so disappointed in you.

 

ZeroToHero: I can feel Alex’s disapproving look from my OWN HOME

 

Baguette: ADADDY DONT BE MAD

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed #Ham4Pan from conversation)

 

Turtles: LOLOLOOOLOLOLOL LAF WTF

 

ZeroToHero: I thought  _ I  _  was Laf’s daddy

 

Baguette: Speak that to Geeorrrgeeeyyy

 

ZeroToHero: I’m gonna speak something to George, but it’ll be about how you’re out of your fucking mind

 

Baguette: I am so sANWE HO DArE yOU

 

Turtles: he called you a ho

 

ZeroToHero: I can read John

 

Turtles: all i’m sayin is that u cant let someone get away with callin u a ho

 

Baguette: Oh my god I’m gay

 

Turtles: Laf. NO sHIT? Really? We thoughT YOU WERE STRAIGHT

 

Baguette: No no no no no no I’m GAY

 

ZeroToHero: John, don’t encourage this

 

Turtles: ShUT UP HERC

 

Turtles: when did you find out you were gay, Laf

 

Baguette: Just now

 

ZeroToHero: Dear God, give me strength, Amen.

 

Baguette: I’m watching at my husband throguh the window and he’s so perfect I love him so I’m gay

 

Turtles: fucking awwww, Herc loooooooook

 

Turtles: laf did you know we’re all pretty much gay

 

ZeroToHero: I’m bi but yeah, we’re all queer

 

Baguette: But teh man i’m viewing is so good, hush and hear my speak

 

Baguette: I’m gay at him

 

Turtles: ur startin 2 loose me man

 

ZeroToHero: I’m gay at Aaron

 

Baguette: WhomSTHETH

 

Turtles: (Added #Ham4Pan to the conversation)

 

Turtles: babe watch this train wreck

 

Baguette: My gay for him has big 

 

#Ham4Pan: Do I want you to finish that sentence? What is going on?

 

Baguette: Big!! Small theN BIG THERE IS A WORD

 

Baguette: GRANDIR ALEX

 

ZeroToHero: … grown?

 

Baguette: OUI, MY GAY HAS GROWN FOR HIM

 

#Ham4Pan: Why is this happening?

 

Baguette: J’en sais pas. I view him with my looking balls and my heart goes BOOOOm BOOoOOoooOM

 

Turtles: THIS IS THE FUCKIN CUTEST DEAR GOD

  
Baguette: he does a thing 

  
Baguette: He puts out his tongue when his workin g much

 

Turtles: i cant wait to tell liza about this

 

Baguette: His much cute

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my God

 

Baguette: I seem a drunk but really just bilingual and drnk

 

Baguette: I wish I could do the babies for him

 

Turtles: OAKJSDHFAPDFGKHALKF

 

Baguette: Father would he be good

 

#Ham4Pan: You can adopt, Laf.

 

Baguette: But mine they not

 

Turtles: why is typing like that

 

Baguette: I is speak french

 

ZeroToHero: Laf you would be a very good father

 

Baguette: Thank mUCH

 

Baguette: I drank much

 

Baguette: I is the tired

 

#Ham4Pan: I cannot be mad at him. He is structuring sentences the way he would in French. Or… at least some half-assed drunk way.

 

#Ham4Pan: It’s easier to understand if you speak more than one language.

 

Baguette: A lex I you love

 

#Ham4Pan: Je t’aime aussi.

 

Baguette: LOOK

 

Baguette: mY MARRIED IS THE GOOD

 

ZeroToHero: We can’t see him dude

 

Baguette: (Image attached)

 

#Ham4Pan: Aw, it’s so blurry.

 

Baguette: (Image attached)

 

Turtles:  _ slightly _ less blurry

 

Baguette: I not picture well

 

ZeroToHero: It’s okay

 

Baguette: I you love

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, it’s really late. Shouldn’t George be sleeping?

 

Baguette: I YOUS loVe

 

Baguette He not sleep does

 

#Ham4Pan: That one was meant for all of us, he’s trying so hard to do a plural you.

 

ZeroToHero: Could say y’all

 

Baguette: I…. y’all love?

 

Baguette: Y’SLL

 

Baguette: He… a from work

 

#Ham4Pan: Oh, poor Laf. He’s trying so hard to speak English. This is adorable. 

 

Turtles: can u translate babe?

 

#Ham4Pan: The POTUS has work to do.

 

Baguette: I not is not cute

 

#Ham4Pan: I can’t handle this. It’s too cute and frustrating. 

 

Turtles: oh laf

 

ZeroToHero: laf go get you at gay and go to bed

 

Baguette: He a from work, I sleep on the couch

 

ZeroToHero: Why don’t you sleep on the bed?

 

Baguette: It is too a long way

 

#Ham4Pan: It’s too far away.

 

Baguette: Oui. Bonsoir. 

 

#Ham4Pan:  Goodnight, Laf. Sleep well. 

 

Baguette: Merci.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Typing The Usernames: Rated easiest to hardest  
> 12.) Turtles: hell yeah its just one simple word thank you John Laurens my boy (the fave boy -sobermeup)  
> 11.) Baguette: easy but sometimes you spell it wrong and sobermeup likes to write Lafayette ashis username because they both have two Ts (sigh, fuckin’ laf yk -sobermeup)  
> 10.) PureBagel: sometimes i type “purge” instead of “pure” but generally not a bad name (you could move this up bc we switch her all the time but meh *shrugh* -sobermeup)  
> 9.) BalletBitch: the word Bitch is kinda hard to type somehow, but its chill  
> 8.) CngrtsAss: Relatively okay. Just no vowels in the first word is kinda annoying  
> 7.) ZeroToHero: Just there’s like Three Whole Words but it’s not hard (except we type ZeroTOhero -sobermeup)  
> 6.) GeorgeW.: Somehow the period just sucks ass. (I fully blame Glenn for this -sobermeup)  
> 5.) SayNoToWeiners: So Many Words that are all capitalized and i always spell weiner wrong  
> 4.) Macaroni_Man: that damn underscore. Not as bad as James tho bc theres no ‘s.  
> 3.) Macaroni’s_Man: there’s a fucking underscore and the stupid ‘s. It’s just a lot (i just want all of you to know my shame, I confused thomas and james for the longest time, also fuck u glenn bc glenn did these idiots as well -sobermeup)  
> 2.) Rthrbnlndn: THERE ARE NO FUCKING VOWELS. you have to think “rather be in london” everytime you type it and that’s just Too Fucking Much (I did this, I take the blame for this -sobermeup)  
> 1.) #Ham4Pan: THERES A GODDAMN HASHTAG DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THIS IS TO TYPE ON MOBILE AND YOU WANT TO TYPE $ INSTEAD OF 4 AND HES IN EVERY CHAPTER AHHHHHH (so like, we both named him this and… it was the biggest mistake of this fic, so like….. We hate it -sobermeup) (edit: also, someties Glenn just… “#hAM4pAN”)


	38. Dogs, Children, Tiny Cars, and Ballet Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Private between Alex/John and Peggy/Adri

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is that a dog would be a really good companion, Jonathan.

Turtles: no babe we literally cannot have a doge

#Ham4Pan: Dog.

Turtles: there are nO PEtS In OUr ApArTmeNt BUilDinG

#Ham4Pan: But, imagine a dog.

Turtles: Yes, dear. A dog.

Turtles: A DOG WE CANNOT HAVE

#Ham4Pan: Imagine that we care for this dog, and we love him.

Turtles: babe listen, i want a dog as much as u do, but unless we literally move out we cant have more than a goldfish

#Ham4Pan: … I would be willing to move.

Turtles: aLEX NO

#Ham4Pan: Why not? We will eventually need the space for children.

Turtles: we dont have the mo-

Turtles: ALEX

#Ham4Pan: Yes?

Turtles: Alex… you want child… plural?

#Ham4Pan: I thought that was a given.

Turtles: well… i mean, i think u’d be a bombass dad, but like… plURAL

#Ham4Pan: If you’re okay with that. Three kids was my plan.

Turtles: AW BABE THREE WHOLE CHILDREN 3 U’S RUNNING AROUND OMG

#Ham4Pan: I would like them to be whole, yes.

Turles: thatS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND U KNOW IT

#Ham4Pan: Yeah, I do. I thought we had talked about this before.

Turtles: alex, we were drunk and u said “kids?” and I went “mm sure”

Turtles: that doesn’t ‘constitute’ a conversation

#Ham4Pan: I thought that was sufficient. Kids, plural.

#Ham4Pan: Also, I fucking love you.

Turtles: :D

Turtles: okay okay okay hold the fuck

Turtles: i have three points

#Ham4Pan: I love points!

Turtles: 1.

Turtles: i’m chill with child plural, ur gonna make a great dad and i can’t fuckin’ wait to see a baby in ur arms

#Ham4Pan: Thank you, John.

Turtles: 2.

Turtles: we can’t move right now, we don’t have the funds

#Ham4Pan: Well fine, but I want a dog.

Turtles: 3.

Turtles: we will get a dog when we move

#Ham4Pan: When we’re married.

Turtles: it’ll be my wedding present to you

#Ham4Pan: We’re getting married.

Turtles: yeah u fuckin’ dweeb

#Ham4Pan: You’re a dweeb, dweeb.

Turtles: i s2g dont start this with me

Turtles: remember how this ended last time? u on the floor? almost peein ur pants cause u were laughin so hard

#Ham4Pan: … I would like to laugh, dweeb.

Turtles: ill drive to ur office right now dont tempt me

#Ham4Pan: You aren’t at work?

Turtles: i am but ill still do it

#Ham4Pan: No, I mean why would you have to drive to my office? Just walk across the hall.

Turtles: oh shit do u not know?

Turtles: BABE THERE ARE TINY ELECTRIC CARS LIKE FOR CHILDREN ALL OVER THE OFFICE WTF

#Ham4Pan: OH MY FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

Turtles: (Image Attached)

Turtles: this is eliza in a princess truck

#Ham4Pan: OH MY FUCK!

#Ham4Pan: I want to ride one!

Turtles: wanna see the potus?

#Ham4Pam: Yes!

Turtles: (Image Attached)

#Ham4Pan: Oh my fucking fuck. John, that is amazing.

Turtles: in the same princess car

Turtles: how do u not know about this, there was a staff wide email and people were literally screaming

#Ham4Pan: I haven’t left my office in three days.

Turtles: BABE IT’S THE LAST FRIDAY OF THE MONTH IT IS GODDAMN FUN FRIDAY COME OUT AND HAVE SOME GODDAMN FUN BITCH

#Ham4Pam: I will come ride the cars.

Turtles: later u can ride me okay okay

#Ham4Pan: John that’s not how we normally do things

Turtles: sigh, a boy can dream

#Ham4Pan: I mean...

Turtles: What’s the fuck?

Turtles: i cannot talk about this right now, LAF HAS A TIARA AND IS SCREAMING ABOUT THE PRINCESS CAR

#Ham4Pan: I’m on my way.

 

Peggy is SayNoToWeiners is Peggy; Adrienne is BalletBitch

BalletBitch: How’s life babydoll

SayNoToWeiners: Really great

BalletBitch: Oh? Why’s that

SayNoToWeiners:: You’re here

BalletBitch: I am not there, but I get what you mean

SayNoToWeiners: You’re pretty cool

BalletBitch: I’m gonna pretend you stopped at pretty and think I have the sweetest lady in my life

SayNoToWeiners: You’re also really hot

BalletBitch: Okay so…

BalletBitch: I know, thanks

BalletBitch: I mean you’re also really hot too

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah I know

BalletBitch: That’s my joke, you can’t steal my joke, I’m calling the JOKE POLICE

SayNoToWeiners: We’re a damn hot couple tho

SayNoToWeiners: IM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL

Balletbitch: I’LL GET GODDAMN JUSTICE FOR MY JOKE, WHETHER THAT MEANS JAIL OR WHATEVER

BalletBitch: JUSTICE

SayNoToWeiners: IM SORRY BABY FORGIVE ME PLEASE

BalletBitch: VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION

SayNoToWeiners: DoNt bE So ReBElLiOuS

BalletBitch: As a really pretty girl once said, “YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER”

BalletBitch: It’s you, you’re the pretty girl

SayNoToWeiners: Awwwww you’re right

BalletBitch: Wow OKAY SO

BalletBitch: WIAT WAIT WAIT I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW

SayNoToWeiners: Hey, hey, thank you babe im sorry for the joke-thievery

BalletBitch: NO NO NO THIS MAN

BalletBitch: THIS MAN JSUT OHHHH I’M LIVING

SayNoToWeiners: Why are you livid?

BalletBitch: Wait, that’s not the

BalletBitch: I like how you understand my fuck ups it makes my heart flutter

SayNoToWeiners: Always Addy

BalletBitch: SO ANYWAY, THIS HO ASS HO JUST CUT IN LINE AND TOO THE LAST FUCKING MACARON I’M SO

SayNoToWeiners: OH MY GOD I HATE HIM

BalletBitch: Well, it wasn’t the last macaron but it was the last coconut one fuck

SayNoToWeiners: WHAT A DICK

BalletBitch: And U kNOW I FUCKing LOVE COCONUT

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah, what an asshole

SayNoToWeiners: What’s coconut in french?

BalletBitch: Noix de coco

SayNoToWeiners: What’s that mean literally?

BalletBitch: Nuts of the coco

SayNoToWeiners: Pfffffffffff

BalletBitch: Ur nuts of the coco

SayNoToWeiners: Ur just coco

BalletBitch: Aww you’re so sweet

SayNoToWeiners: Cause ur bitter as fuck but u look great

BalletBitch: HAH I MEAN FUCK YOU AIN’T WRONG THO

SayNoToWeiners: Ain’t!!??!??!? YOUVE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH JOHN

BalletBitch: Actually, in factually, I picked that lovely little word up from the lovely large Hercules

SayNoToWeiners: … Large?

BalletBitch: THAT MAN IS AS WIDE AS I AM TALL

SayNoToWeiners: You ain’t wrong.

BalletBitch: Ehheheehehhehehehehehe

SayNoToWeiners: hhehhehehehehe

BalletBitch: How is everyone btw

SayNoToWeiners: Really gay

BalletBitch: I’m….

BalletBitch: Well, you still, in fact, are not wrong

SayNoToWeiners: Except for Angie

BalletBitch: Right, of course…

BalletBitch: Is Lizzy ever going to get herself a mans… or a womans

SayNoToWeiners: She doesn’t want to

BalletBitch: Is she ace? Or like aro?

SayNoToWeiners: Idk. Not ace tho.

BalletBitch: Is she happy?

SayNoToWeiners: According to her, “hell yeah”

BalletBitch: Well, that’s what’s important

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah

SayNoToWeiners: Are you happy?

BalleBitch: In the grand scheme of things no, because the wonderful girl that I chosen to latch myself to is halfway across the world, but on the other hand I have that wonderful girl, so yes, I am happy

SayNoToWeiners: I feel the same

BalletBitch: AlSO I REALLY MISS GILLY

SayNoToWeiners: Maybe I can study abroad in France

BalletBitch: Maybe I could move to the US of A

SayNoToWeiners: I couldn’t ask you to do that

BalletBitch: I wouldn’t be doing it just for you babe

SayNoToWeiners: If you really want to...

BalletBitch: I mean, I’d have Gilly, and I hate my job here so...

SayNoToWeiners: I think that would be the greatest fucking thing ever

BalletBitch: It would

BalletBitch: I’d be able to see you 23/6

SayNoToWeiners: Whats the other hour and day?

BalletBitch: I allow you one day of freedom, and an hour a week to spend with Gilly

SayNoToWeiners: Ah, yes, freedom from my really amazing girlfriend, I need that

BalletBitch: bluuuuuusssshhhhhhhhh

SayNoToWeiners: You could just send me a picture

BalletBitch: Nope, u don’t get that satis-

BalletBitch: oH MY GOD BABE NYCB IS HOLDING AUDITIONS NEXT MONTH

SayNoToWeiners: Aaaaaaaaaddy

SayNoToWeiners: Wait what

BalletBitch: New York City Ballet, it’s on their website

SayNoToWeiners: How do you have interrupting thoughts when texting so often?

SayNoToWeiners: I thought you didn’t dance anymore

BalletBitch: Listen, listen…. I stopped dancing here in France because of disgusting men, but I want to dance, baby, I need to dance, it’s who I am, it’s part of my soul

SayNoToWeiners: Well that seems perfect for you moving here...

BalletBitch: I’m goING TO APPLY RIGHT NOW

SayNoToWeiners: OH MY GOD THIS IS EXCITING

BalletBitch: AHHHHHH, wanna skype so I can screen share and you can watch

SayNoToWeiners: Yes definitely

BalletBitch: k cool, c u there ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh fuck this is cute
> 
> -Glenn


	39. The Office

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is George up to?

 

Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Burr is Burr ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

Baguette: All I am saying is, where is Alexander

 

ZeroToHero: I like how you imitated him

 

Macaroni_Man: Lol

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Idk man

 

GeorgeW.: I har hm with Jhn

 

Baguette: You hear him with John? Ewww

 

GeorgeW.: Ye thyre lod.

 

CngrtsAss: Wait wait Boss, what are they doing

 

GeorgeW.: Rearanging Alexndrs offce.

 

Burr: Okay see you should have led with “rearranging Alex’s office” and not “loud with John”

 

PureBagel: My eyes are saved

 

Macaroni_Man: Honestly wouldn't be surprised either way

 

ZeroToHero: They are kinda gross

 

Baguette: Says you, Mr. Fuck-Babe-In-The-Kitchen

 

ZeroToHero: _I literally specified that I_ _would not_ _fuck Burr in the kitchen._

 

Burr: …

 

ZeroToHero: How dare you imply that Aaron

 

ZeroToHero: You cold-hearted bastard

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Hah, cause his name is “burr” like “brr I'm cold”

 

Burr: Fuck you, Jim.

 

Macaroni_Man: Why did you just call him Jim

 

Burr: It seemed more direct and aggressive

 

Baguette: Ah, Jim, I have only ever once called him Jimmy

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Why do you keep bringing that up

 

Macaroni_Man: It was a really fun night

 

GeorgeW.: To mak me jelous

 

Baguette: Always works.

 

GeorgeW.: Gilbert.

 

Baguette: Lol bye fuckers

 

PureBagel: I'm gonna ducking kill myself

 

CngrtsAss: Elizabeth Gertrude Schuyler be nice to yourself.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Liza… Gertrude??

 

PureBagel: ANGELICA WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS

 

CngrtsAss: I FORGOT JEFFMADS WAS HERE

 

Macaroni_Man: Jeffmads?????

 

Baguette: Oui. Isn’t it great?

 

Macaroni’s_Man: It’s kinda weird

 

Burr: Laf I thought you were… busy

 

Baguette: Ah, sadly, I am not.

 

Baguette: Georgey is busy

 

GeorgeW.: Am busy

 

Baguette: Yes, he is busy

 

ZeroToHero: This seems supsicious

 

Burr: Yes, it does

 

Burr: Okay I never thought I would say this but I miss Alex

 

Burr: (Added #Ham4Pan to the conversation)

 

#Ham4Pan: Hello.

 

#Ham4Pan: (Added Turtles to the conversation)

 

Turtles: sup fuckerinos

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed Turtles from the conversation)

 

ZeroToHero: Don't be rude Alex

 

#Ham4Pan: (Added Turtles to the conversation)

 

Turtles: fucking dick

 

Turtles: still love u

 

Burr: Can I change my mind?

 

Baguette: Too late

 

#Ham4Pan: What's up?

 

CngrtsAss: Boss is suspiciously busy

 

PureBagel: How's the office rearranging going?

 

Turtles: what

 

PureBagel: You guys were rearranging Alex's office

 

#Ham4Pan: No we weren't.

 

PureBagel: Oh my god

 

CngrtsAss: Boss you lied to her

 

ZeroToHero: See, gross.

 

Macaroni_Man: Not surprised.

 

Turtles: damn alex i told u you were too loud

 

#Ham4Pan: John, you just used “u” and “you” in the same sentence.

 

Turtles: ur right

 

GeorgeW.: John come to my office

 

Turtles: he spelled that right

 

Burr: rip Laurens

 

ZeroToHero: This is such an unprofessional environment you guys work in wtf

 

Macaroni_Man: …

 

CngrtsAss: Shut up _Hercules_

 

ZeroToHero: Why did you italicize that to imply sarcasm that’s just my name

 

PureBagel: It sure is _Hercules_

 

ZeroToHero: WHATS WRONG WITH MY NAME

 

#Ham4Pan: I don’t know _Hercules_. What is wrong with your name?

 

GeorgeW.: John.

 

Turtles: _oh fuck_

 

Baguette: Do not be scared Johnny

 

Turtles: im scared but on my way sir

 

Burr: HAHAHAHAH HE JUST CALLED HIM “sir” GET FUCKED JOHN

 

#Ham4Pan: Leave him alone, _Burr_.

 

ZeroToHero: What is with everyone and our names

 

Burr: We’re just living our lives bitch wtf

 

Baguette: It is to annoy you, fuckstick

 

Baguette: Je suis désolé, fuck _sticks_. There are two of you

 

PureBagel: Laf is getting savage in these trying times

 

CngrtsAss: I want to know what Boss is working on.

 

PureBagel: Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HULLO IM BACK
> 
> -Glenn


	40. John?

Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; Adrienne is BalletBitch

Baguette: John is in the hospital. Eliza just called me

SayNoToWeiners: Oh my god

Burr: Is he okay?

Baguette: I don’t know. She sounded like she was holding back tears

BalletBitch: wait… which John

Burr: Oh, my god

GeorgeW.: Wich hspitl? Dos anyne ned a ride?

SayNoToWeiners: Yes, sir. I don’t drive.

GeorgeW.: Wll be thre as son as posible.

ZeroToHero: Aaron and I are coming as well. Which hospital?

BalletBitch: why are none of you answer me?! Which John?

Baguette: General. Hurry.

Baguette: Peggy, you do not drive? Also, stay in school. Your education is important.

SayNoToWeiners: I don’t drive bc I’m gay bitch

SayNoToWeiners: I need to be there for everyone

Baguette: We’ll all be there, he isn’t your family

GeorgeW.: Gilbert is riht. E wil updte you whn we knw mor.

BalletBitch: That’s my girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> -Glenn


	41. Rigatoni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is injured

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is I can’t believe you almost died getting pasta off the top shelf.

 

Turtles: im short and gay bitch!

 

SayNoToWeiners: Me fucking too!!!!

 

Baguette: Eliza, why did you sound so sad on the phone? Like you were crying? It made me concerned

 

PureBagel: I was holding back laughter Laf

 

PureBagel: He broke his arm, toe, and nose trying to get some rigatoni

 

Turtles: i am in a lot of pain you fucks

 

#Ham4Pan: Who the fuck does that?

 

PureBagel: Language, there’s some softies in this chat

 

#Ham4Pan: Ah, yes, sorry. _Whom_ the fuck does that?

 

PureBagel: **_No_ **

 

CngrtsAss: I was so worried when Alex called Eliza but then we got there and I just… couldn’t believe it

 

GeorgeW.: I hpe yo fel beter soon Son!

 

Turtles: thank u man

 

Turtles: (Private chat to #Ham4Pan) he called me son

 

Rthrbnlndn: i feel so bad i wasn’t there. angel didn’t call me until after she got back home

 

#Ham4Pan: It’s the thought that counts, and your thoughts are very kind, John Barker Church.

 

Rthrbnlndn: as much as i love the full name, we’ve been friends for a while now. do you think maybe you should call me just john? or maybe church?

 

ZeroToHero: No, John Barker Church, I think your full name is best

 

Rhtrbnlndn: okay, whatever makes y’all happy.

 

CngrtsAss: You are so nice John I love you

 

Rthrbnlndn: aw, i love you too angel.

 

ZeroToHero: So _he’s_ allowed to say y’all?

 

CngrtsAss: Yes

 

PureBagel: We like him more than you

 

SayNoToWeiners: Even if we are always on guard and ready to kill him if he hurts our sister

 

Rthrbnlndn: thank you peggy and eliza!

 

Baguette: See, Herc, look at how awesome he is

 

Burr: I like you more than him Hero

 

ZeroToHero: That’s only cause I fuck you

 

Burr: And because you are strong and marrying me and also I love you

 

ZeroToHero: (Private chat to Burr) I love you too baby but I’m still gonna act salty in the groupchat

 

Burr: Hero told me he loves me in private chat

 

ZeroToHero: Betrayal

 

Turtle: doc just told me i have to be gentle in bed :(

 

#Ham4Pan: :(.

 

Turtles: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD WITH THAT PERIOD I WILL BEAT YOU WITH THIS CAST

 

CngrtsAss: Which cast

 

Turtles: i only got _one_ (1) cast angelica you absolute… uh….

 

SayNoToWeiners: Say it and we’ll all kill you

 

Turtles: _wonderful_ woman

 

GeorgeW.: Wht color is yur cast?  


Turtles: thank you for asking Washing machine it is BRIGHT FUCKING PINK

 

Baguette: Did you just call my husband “Washing machine”

 

Turtles: i sure did baggy

 

SayNoToWeiners: Baggy????

 

Turtles: have i mentioned how _fucking high_ i am on these pain killers yet

 

#Ham4Pan: If you wondering why the doctor had to tell him to be gentle in bed, it’s because he asked if his fiancé could “fuck him so hard he forgot he broke himself.”

 

PureBagel: (Changed name to DirtyBagel)

 

DirtyBagel: Why must you be like this

 

BalletBitch: Eliza, darling, we all know you have seen worse

 

DirtyBagel: Where did you come from

 

BalletBitch: I was packing

****

CngrtsAss: Cool. Where too?

 

BalletBitch: Packing.

 

SayNoToWeiners: pffffff

 

Baguette: PFFFFFF  


#Ham4Pan: I THOUGHT AFTER JOHN AND I’S ENGAGEMENT PEOPLE WOULD BE MORE OPEN AND HAVE LESS SECRETS!

 

BalletBitch: It is none such thing as drastic as a marriage. Simply a movement

 

BalletBitch: _Christ ya’ fuckin’ nosy bitches_

 

Baguette: And, Ladies and Gentlemen, those are the two sides of Adrienne

 

#Ham4Pan: Estás mudándote? Donde?

 

BalletBitch: Es un secreto

 

#Ham4Pan: That is rude.

 

Turtles: why do y’all gotta start with the spanish and the fucking just like not english

 

CngrtsAss: Ham feels the need to constantly prove himself

 

ZeroToHero: … too deep Ang

 

CngtrsAss: Yeah no I saw that as soon as I pressed send

 

Turtles: he constnayl prove s his dic k in my as s

 

GeorgeW.: no

 

DirtyBagel: LOOK WHAT YA DID TO GROUPCHAT DAD

 

ZeroToHero: He’s on drugs

 

GeorgeW.: No a dad, jst a man

 

Baguette: For now ;)

 

BalletBitch: BITCH EXCUSE ME

 

GeorgeW.: Jst a mN!

 

Baguette: Yeah…. _For NOW_

 

Turtles: axel and me wan th e babs of plenty

 

ZeroToHero: Babs a plently

 

BalletBitch: Axel?

 

#Ham4Pan: He’s trying to type Alex. He is heavily medicated.

 

Turtles: m y fuckng armey!

 

GeorgeW.: It s funy!

 

#Ham4Pan: He just touched his nose and squinted, but didn’t act like it hurt at all.

 

Turtles: i am big man

 

Turtles: Pa in FELs Me

 

#Ham4Pan: You sure are baby.

 

Turtles: Pa IN FEEEEEEELLLSLSSS ME I DO NOT FEEEEEELAL ALSD PAIN

 

DirtyBagel: Falalalala

 

Turtles: Cirstmhas is th mst wonefudl tmie fo het yare

 

#Ham4Pan: The nurse is going to take his phone soon. It’s to straining on his arm, but I will convey to you things he is saying about the groupchat.

 

CngrtsAss: Oh I’m ready for this

 

BalletBitch: I’m so tired of fuckING PACKING

 

#Ham4Pan: John: “The l-lon-g th-hings.” Me: “What?” John: “THE LONG FRUIT ALEXANDER.”

 

BalletBitch: Yes bitch they are fucking long

 

#Ham4Pan: Banana, he wants a banana.

 

Rthrbnlndn: this is like a game show. “try and figure out what high john is saying”

 

#Ham4Pan: John: “Bananananananaaaaaa. They ti-tickle my pi-” Me: “Do not finish that, John!”

  


Baguette: I believe he was going to say Penis for 500 points

 

#Ham4Pan: John: “ALE-CANDER HAMIL-JOHN TICKLES MY PICKLES!”

 

GeorgeW.: Wat Gilbert sai

 

#Ham4Pan: He’s just giggling now. And repeating the word pickle over and over.

 

CngrtsAss: Maybe most of the answers are penis

 

#Ham4Pan: The nurse gave him sleeping medicine so he would fall asleep.

 

BalletBitch: WOw I had no idea that’s what sleeping medicine does

 

ZeroToHero: Wait, Alex… if John only broke his arm, toe, and nose, why is he so heavily drugged?

 

#Ham4Pan: He broke his arm in three places, and has an extremely low pain tolerance.

 

Baguette: HAHHAAHAHAHAHA

 

DirtyBagel: Aw, such a man

 

BalletBitch: Hmm, I suppose then that my musings were wrong about your bedroom life.

 

#Ham4Pan: I wish you would stop.

 

BalletBitch: I will never. MWAUAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK U BITCH

 

Baguette: Thomas Jefferson has a very low pain tolerance too

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed #Ham4Pan from conversation)

 

GeorgeW.: W did nt need to har tht Gil

 

DirtyBagel: (Changed name to DisgustedBagel)

 

BalletBitch: “DisgustedBagel” Iconic, Lizzy.

 

BalletBitch: Also, Laf ur a whiney bitch in bed

 

BalletBitch: I dont wanna hear it

 

GeorgeW.: … How… do you know that?

 

BalletBitch: oH shIT he’s fULLY spELlING WORds

 

BalletBitch: We were roommates in college, Mr. Washington, Sir, I am a gay woman

 

Baguette: Bitch that’s not better fuck you

 

GeorgeW.: … okay

 

Baguette: He gets jealous but never unless he knows I actually slept with someone

 

Baguette: And you don’t want me to reveal the nasty shit you’re into bitch. Je sais combien vous aimez vos cordes.

 

GeorgeW.: I alrdy knw that. Nous faisons tout ensemble

 

Baguette: GET FUCKED FRENCHY

 

BalletBitch: I keep forgetting he fucking knows french

 

Baguette: You notice how everyone left since I made that comment

 

DisgustedBagel: I am living up to my username currently

 

CngrtsAss: Alex just texted me and told me to tell you that John just called all of you beautiful sluts

 

DisgustedBagel: (Changed name to MediocreBagel)

 

MediocreBagel: Awwww

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEE LOOK EVERYTHING IS FIIIIINE NO NEED TO WORRY WE WON'T KILL ANYONE  
> “Whom the fuck” inspired by this: http://ham-for-ham.tumblr.com/post/168116005019/druid-for-hire-he-gets-it-from-his-father  
> And “Washing machine” inspired by Leafpool
> 
> -Glenn


	42. Christmas Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang talks about Christmas things

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ; Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Burr is Burr

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is, John has needed help these past few weeks so I haven’t had time to shop for him.

 

Baguette: Mon ami, it is literally Christmas Eve

 

ZeroToHero: I have some stuff I made for John a while ago

 

Burr: Why did you make stuff for John?

 

ZeroToHero: Sometimes I just make stuff for my friends

 

PureBagel: That is so sweet and adorable wtf

 

ZeroToHero: I have a lot of cool shit for all of you but I’m saving it for various holidays so don’t ask about it

 

CngrtsAss: Alright I am very excited for my birthday now

 

ZeroToHero: You should be

 

CngrtsAss: Oh hell yeah

 

#Ham4Pan: Friends, focus, I need a gift for John.

 

ZeroToHero: Just pick one of the things I made for him

 

ZeroToHero: (Image attached)

 

Baguette: Holy shit Herc those are beautiful

 

GeorgeW.: Thse look vry noce!

 

#Ham4Pan: Oh my god, Hercules, I love them all. However, I think he’d like the middle one best.

 

ZeroToHero: Alright man. I’ll drop it off at dinner tonight

  

Burr: Speaking of that, what time does that start?

 

Baguette: I don’t know. I’m just cooking for all of you heathens to enjoy a nice Christmas dinner

 

GeorgeW.: It strts at 7

 

Burr: Thank you GWash

 

PureBagel: I appreciate your hard work Laf

 

Baguette: I least someone does

 

GeorgeW.: (Private chat to Baguette) I’ll apreciate you

 

Baguette: (Private chat to GeorgeW.) Oh, my

 

CngrtsAss: What all food is gonna be there? John is a bit picky

 

Baguette: Whatever you put on the menu that I sent out two weeks ago- oh wait, none of you put anything on the menu

 

Baguette: You are all getting whatever the fuck I make for you and John Barker Church will be happy with what he gets

 

#Ham4Pan: I didn’t respond to you’re menu because John fell off our kitchen counter and broke three bones (one in three places).

 

Baguette: That is no excuse, Alexander

 

PureBagel: Laf you’re valid in your anger but, like, that’s also a pretty valid excuse

 

Baguette: NONE OF YOU LOVE ME

 

GeorgeW.: I love you!

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, we all love you. I appreciate you.

 

PureBagel: Laf No! I love you!!!!

 

CngrtsAss: I love you I guess, dick

 

ZeroToHero: Man I love you too

 

Burr: Yeah yeah I love you but can we talk about how fast Wash responded?

 

Baguette: It’s because he loves me

 

GeorgeW.: I do.

 

Baguette: Love whenever he says “I do”

  
PureBagel: Awww

 

CngrtsAss: You are all a bunch of saps but I would like to know if John needs to eat before we go

 

Baguette: Alright, the dinner is still a few hours away. Put what you want on the menu

 

Baguette: Okay I can’t find the menu just tell me

 

#Ham4Pan: Traditional christmas dinner for John and I, please.

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron and I could go with some kind of pasta dish

 

CngrtsAss: John seconds the pasta dish

 

PureBagel: Uhhhhh, I’ll eat some steamed veggies

 

Burr: Eliza, you need a real meal

 

PureBagel: Veggies taste good and I like them don’t be rude

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron you better be nice to Liza

 

Baguette: All of these are doable, but you are all trying some French food

  

GeorgeW.: Its god!

 

Baguette: Georgey loves my cooking

 

Burr: I’m excited about having dinner with you guys

 

Burr: It’s my first friend Christmas dinner, I feel like a real adult

 

PureBagel: AWWWW BURR WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH

  
ZeroToHero: Aw, Babe

  
Baguette: I am VERY excited to get drunk with Burr

 

ZeroToHero: See, with your history together, I don’t like that

 

GeorgeW.: I dnt lke it ether.

 

Burr: So this is why you always get Wash jealous

 

Baguette: Yes, it’s nice. Just don’t go to far

 

Burr: Noted

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron

 

Burr: ;)

 

#Ham4Pan: That was the wrong usage of “to,” Laf.

 

Baguette: I do not care

 

PureBagel: Rekt

 

#Ham4Pan: Eliza, not you too.

 

Baguette: to*

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, no. You can’t just correct my grammar incorrectly.

 

ZeroToHero: When is spelling a word pronounced the same as another word a spelling mistake vs. a grammar mistake

 

#Ham4Pan: I do not know, and I also do not care.

 

PureBagel: Rekt

 

#Ham4Pan: Eliza

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m going to add John back in. Do not discuss his gift.

 

#Ham4Pan: (Added Turtles to the conversation)

 

Turtles: (Changed name to FestiveTurtles)

 

FestiveTurtles: get festive bitches

  
Burr: Hey Laurens do you know what Ham got you for Christmas

  
Turtles: no but i am v excited i love christmas

 

CngrtsAss: Anyone else think about how ironic it is that Grammar Boy Ham fell in love with What’s A Grammar Laurens

 

FestiveTurtles: a grammar is something ham likes, thats what im getting him for christmas

 

#Ham4Pan: You are getting me “a grammar” for Christmas?

 

FestiveTurtles: hell yeah i am

 

ZeroToHero: It’s christmas in like just a few hours you guys

 

CngrtsAss: You know John doesn’t even celebrate Christmas, he just wants to come to spend time with you all

 

#Ham4Pan: Aw, John Barker Church is a such good friend.

 

CngrtsAss: And yet you all still only refer to him by his full name

 

ZeroToHero: You know what’s faster than typing “you all”? Y’all

 

FestiveTurtles: yall aint gonna roast this fucker for saying that???

 

#Ham4Pan: John, you just used “y’all” and “ain’t” in the same sentence, and you didn’t even type them correctly.

 

PureBagel: I think y’all is a fun word! Just not for me

 

Burr: I like it. Reminds me of Hero.

 

Baguette: Alright, well I have to go cook for you ungrateful whores

 

GeorgeW.: I hve t go satnd beside hm and act lke i cn help

 

PureBagel: Yeah, I have stuff to do too

 

CngrtsAss: Gotting finish unpacking at the new place

 

#Ham4Pan: I have nothing to do, but since everyone is leaving, I suppose I can go hang out with John.

 

FestiveTurtles: “hang out” means fuck

 

ZeroToHero: Guess I’ll go hang out with Aaron then

 

Burr: ;)

  
#Ham4Pan: See you all at seven.

 

ZeroToHero: y’all*

 

#Ham4Pan: Fuck you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Happy Holidays to everyone!!! I hope you all have had/will have a wonderful holiday season!!! I love y'all so much!!!!!!!! Merry fucking seasons greetings!!!! Goddamn I'm loving life rn!!!!!
> 
> -Glenn


	43. The Devil

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch ; James (Madison) Macaroni’s_Man

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying this is fucking gay.

 

ZeroToHero: Alex all of us are in gay relationships it is all gay

 

CnrgtsAss: …

 

Baguette: Aw the straights how could you forget them

 

Turtles: alex we are two men who are ENGAGED

 

Turtles: adrienne and peggy are DATING. burr and herc and ENGAGED. laf and gwash are  MARRIED.

 

SayNoToWeiners: The gay is a given

 

BalletBitch: We’re literally all queer

 

CngrtsAss:  _ guys _

 

Burr:  **All of us**

 

Rthrbnlndn: i’m not though

 

PureBagel: We’re all gay because queer people flock together

 

GeorgeW.: Agre

 

#Ham4Pan: Look at all of us, a group made of entirely queer people.

 

CngrtsAss: MY BOYFRIEND AND I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A POINT

 

Rthrbnlndn: we’re straight.

 

Turtles: fer now beeetch ;)))))

 

#Ham4Pan: There is always tomorrow, friend.

 

CngrtsAss: Stay away from my boyfriend

 

Rthrbnlndn: alex and john are the only couple i would go gay for, but alas, i am not gay.

 

CngrtsAss: Stay  _ the fuck _ away from my boyfriend

 

Turtles: Fer now bee-

 

Turtles: WAIT EVERYONE HOLD THEIR GODDAMN PHONES

 

Rthrbnlndn: aw, angel, you know i’m joking. i only have eyes for you.

 

BalletBitch: John I think that is the single dumbest fucking thing you could say in a groupchat

 

Turtles: wHATEVER BITCH, Y’ALL FUCKIN’ LISTEN TO ME RN

 

Burr: We’re listening 

 

Turtles: Y’ALLLLLLLLLLL

 

ZeroToHero: I’m always gonna be fucking salty about this

 

Turtles: JUST SHHHHHHHUT TTUEALDG UP AND LISTNN

 

#Ham4Pan: Jesus Christ, John, just tell us.

 

CngrtsAss: Atheist

 

Turtles: SO MY BRAIN JUST DID A THING

 

Turtles: DEVIL IS JUST EVIL WITH A D

 

Turtles: THE DEVIL IS THOMAS JEFFERSON

 

ZeroToHero: John I literally fucking hate you

 

#Ham4Pan: John, I literally fucking love you. 

 

Turtles: wiat wait lets get a sceond opinion

 

Turtles; (Added Macaroni’s_Man to the conversation)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Hullo

 

Rthrbnlndn: you’re not british

 

Turtles: MADISON, THOMAS IS EVIL WITH A D, HE’S THE DEVIL

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Did I just get roasted by the soft John Barker Church?

 

CngrtsAss: I’m rubbing off on him ;)

 

Macaroni’s_Man: No my boyfriend is not the devil, John. Please stop asking me things like this

 

#Ham4Pan: He’s the devil. It’s decided. Thank you for your useless opinion, James. It’s been a pleasure as always. Tell your stank ass, whore of a boyfriend to fuck off.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: He’s not the devil dear god someone stop these men

 

Macaroni’s_Man: But, yes, Alex it’s been a…. “ _ pleasure _ ”

 

Turtles: donT FUCKIN CALL MY BOYFRIEND ALEX YOU STANK ASS HOE

 

Rthrbnlndn: he’s not a hoe either

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Sorry, John

 

PureBagel: I decided to check my phone… and I come back to  _ this _ ….

 

Turtles: WE ARE NOT ON A FIRST NAME BASIS MACARONI BITCH

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Hello, Eliza

 

CngrtsAss: BITCH, NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T

 

SayNoToWeiners: GET THE FUCK OUT YOU CRUSTY NOODLE

 

#Ham4Pan: YOU DO NOT GET TO CALL THE WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, ANGELIC ELIZABETH SCHUYLER ‘ELIZA.’

 

PureBagel: ….Hi James

 

Macaroni’s_Man: How’s it going?

 

CngrtsAss: HOOOOWWWW DDAARE YOU FRATERNIZE WITH THE DEVIL’S MISTRESS

 

SayNoToWeiners: I cannnnnnnnot believe

 

PureBagel: I’m alright, how are you?

 

#Ham4Pan: I know you slept with him, but do you have to keep talking to him?

 

Turtles: i like how theyre having a convo around us

 

SayNoToWeiners: She wat?

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Oh, dear. Also, THOMAS IS NOT THE DEVIL. HE IS A NICE MAN. I LOVE HIM AND I DO WISH YOU WOULD STOP INSULTING THE MAN I LOVE.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Yeah yeah but  _ wat _ ?

 

PureBagel: Pls can we not expose me in front of my baby sister

 

CngrtsAss: Keep her slightly purer than she otherwise would be, please

 

Turtles: damn, the crusty noodle is not only crunchy but salty as well

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Eliza and I had a short tryst, and would like to not have to defend myself and my husband everytime I speak to you

 

Burr: Things are getting spicey in the gay group

 

Rthrbnlndn: i am still straight

 

PureBagel: YOUR FUCKING WHAT

 

Rthrbnlndn: straight?

 

Rthrbnlndn: wait you weren’t talking to me

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Thomas and I got drunk one evening and whilst we were out we eloped

 

Macaroni’s_Man: To be fair, the only reason we did not marry earlier is because it was too much work, so I guess that was a fair solution.

 

Turtles: oh congrats bro, ur locked down with him now

 

#Ham4Pan: As much as I detest your husband, I am happy for you, James. Congratulations.

 

Turtles: james????????????????????

 

GeorgeW.: Cogats!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: He shouted, so I decided to be slightly civil. He is not the man I despise. His  _ husband _ is.

 

Turtles: gwash, my home slice, the Washing Machine, why do you SPELL LIKE THAT ITS KILLING ME M8

 

#Ham4Pan: The POTUS.

 

CngrtsAss: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD ALEX WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HE’S THE FUCKING POTUS IM GONNA FUCKING MURDER YOU BITCH

 

GeorgeW.: Am no a wshing macne

 

Turtles: things are heating up in the washing machine fandom

 

#Ham4Pan: POTUS.

 

Baguette: My  _ husband _ George Washington is the most amazing man ever, he is not a washing machine you broken dirtwad

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Well, as entertaining as this is, my  _ husband _ , calls. I must go

 

PureBagel: Bye James

 

Macaroni’s_Man: (removed Macaroni’s_Man from the conversation)

 

Turtles: how dare you call me broken just because i broke my toe, nose, and arm in three places

 

Baguette: I am a factual baguette, broken dickwad

 

Turtles: fucking rude

 

CngrtsAss: he is  _ not the fucking president dear god _

 

#Ham4Pan: That took you far longer than your first comment, are you alright?   
  


CngrtsAss: I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm bc of your perfect grammar but yeah I’m fine just busy

 

Baguette: With what?

 

CngrtsAss: Usual stuff. Moving in with my boyfriend and all

 

Turtles: i forgot abt that

 

PureBagel: Isn’t it great?

 

GeorgeW.: Cngrts !

 

Rthrbnlndn: :)

 

Turtles: im shook over how wash spelled congrats

 

Baguette: Why do you all shorten his name like that??? Just call him George

 

ZeroToHero: Calling him George is a terrible idea.  _ Terrible _

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, you seem to have forgotten what it was like when Mr. Washington was not your fiancé, or even your boyfriend. It feels wrong to call him George. You didn't call him George until weeks after you started dating.

 

Baguette: I do not want to remember what it was like when we were not together cause because I love him

 

PureBagel:  _ AWWWW _

 

CngrtsAss: We’re still not calling Boss “George”

 

GeorgeW.: It s a litle wird

 

#Ham4Pan: See! Even Mr. Washington agrees it's weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't call Wash George
> 
> -Glenn


	44. Han Brolo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the four dudes again for "deep" talk and fun.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; 

 

#Ham4Pan: All I’m saying is, I’m not the one that washed the shirt.

 

Turtles: bitch i didnt know it was some really nice material like that, im a goblin

 

ZeroToHero: It took me  _ three days _ to make that shirt

 

Turtles:  **_im sorry_ **

 

Baguette: I never wash any of the stuff Herc makes me

 

Turtles: …. ?

 

#Ham4Pan: How often does Herc make you stuff?

 

Baguette: Fairly often

 

ZeroToHero: He actually appreciates and takes care of the things I make him

 

Baguette: “Never wash” sounds wrong, I don’t put it in the washer. I wash it, just by hand

 

#Ham4Pan: What the fuck, Herc? You’ve never made me a single article of clothing

 

Turtles: this is…. Herc pls….im so sorry

 

ZeroToHero: Remember that… pantish thing

 

Turtles: you mean those lace undies

 

#Ham4Pan:  **_Don’t_ ** bring that up.

 

Turtles: those got ruined to but not because we washed them ;)

 

#Ham4Pan: JOHN. YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. ALSO, IT’S TOO*, YOU HEATHEN.

 

ZeroToHero: Bitch I told you they couldnt get wet and you fucking did that IN THEM???

 

Turtles: babe ilysm but u literally never follow through w/ those threats

 

Turtles: and herc what did you think they were going to be for

 

Baguette: I mean he’s got a point

 

ZeroToHero: I knew exactly what they were for but I told him to take them off before they got wet

 

Turtles: listen beeetch it is not my fuckin fault alex blew his load in the underwear

 

#Ham4Pan: (Removed #Ham4Pan from the conversation)

 

ZeroToHero:  **_I_ ** **_DON’T_ ** **_WANT TO HEAR THAT_ **

 

Baguette: (Added #Ham4Pan to the conversation)

 

Baguette: Don’t be a little bitch, Alex, I’ve said worse things about George

 

#Ham4Pan: Laf, j’exterminerai de votre dick.

 

Baguette: Alex NO

 

Baguette: Besides, if you needed help getting cum out of lace, you should have called me

 

Turtles: it is 2 l8 my frenchie friend 

 

ZeroToHero: Laf, since you can actually take care of my work, you want this dress? 

 

ZeroToHero: (Image attached)

 

Baguette: Holy? Shit? Yes !!!!

 

ZeroToHero: Good bc I’m pretty there are few others who have your measurements

 

#Ham4Pan: Herc, if you gave me a specific set of directions, I could take very good care of any clothing you gave me.

 

ZeroToHero: Alright… I’ll make you a shirt. Just one tho

 

#Ham4Pan: Thank you! I’m very excited.

 

Turtles: guys guys guys we set a date for the wedding

 

#Ham4Pan: We did?

 

Turtles: TOMORROW!!!!!

 

#Ham4Pan: No, we are not doing that.

 

Baguette:   Félicitations !!!

 

ZeroToHero: That’s great

 

#Ham4Pan: No, guys, we are not getting married tomorrow.

 

#Ham4Pan: Stop believing his lies.

 

Turtles: im getting impatient bitch

 

#Ham4Pan: We can discuss it when you get home.

 

Turtles: okay baby ily

 

#Ham4Pan: I love you, too.

 

Baguette: Aw you sappy gays, fucking stop it

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my god

 

ZeroToHero: Oh my god my fiancé is an idiot

 

#Ham4Pan: His name is Burr, Hercules.

 

Baguette: Actually, his name is Aaron

 

Turtles: excuse me frenchfry it is fucking not

 

Turtles: butt also, get rekt alex

 

#Ham4Pan: Did you have to spell it like that?

 

Turtles: yes

 

Baguette: What did Aaron do ?

 

ZeroToHero: It’s 2 am right now, and I’m normally awake, as are all of you, but Aaron is some old man who goes to bed at 9, and for some reason he was awake and trying to cook. And he was trying to cook rice. But he was stirring it with my fucking knitting needle. Like I heard little clinking noises so I left my studio and he’s just sitting there in his pajamas looking like he’s dying and stirring a pot of rice (that’s not even boiling) with my knitting needle

 

Turtles: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

ZeroToHero: So, I’ve just discovered that there is no water in the pan and the stove isn’t on

 

#Ham4Pan: That is so fucking funny. I am crying laughing.

 

ZeroToHero: (Image Attached)

 

Baguette: HE LOOKS DEAD INSIDE AND SO OFFENDED THAT YOU’VE TAKEN HIS SPOON

 

ZeroToHero: This is how he ruined our only cooking spoon, which is also why he’s stirring it with a knitting needle

 

Turtles: dude that was before you invited us over to dinner to tell us you were dating, just buy a new spoon

 

ZeroToHero: He just ruins them all. He can’t cook. I once asked him to put on a pot of water and he just put a pot of water in the sink

 

Baguette: That is worse than Georgey

 

ZeroToHero: I have to go put him to bed. He ate a bowl of cereal so he’s not hungry anymore

 

#Ham4Pan: These are the things that make me feel less malice towards your relationship.

 

Turtles: im screaming bc hes like the most put together person but now hes just…. stirring dry rice with a knitting needle

 

Turtles: tbh… big mood

 

#Ham4Pan: Not that I care, but, is he okay?

 

ZeroToHero: He’s fine you sappy bitch. He’s asleep now.

 

Baguette: Aw, our Alexander  _ can _ love

 

Turtles: is he asleep on the kitchen floor

 

ZeroToHero: No, John, he is asleep in our bed

 

#Ham4Pan: Is that the kitchen you fuck him in?

 

ZeroToHero:  **Can y’all not let that go**

 

Baguette: No, mon ami, we cannot

 

Turtles: just like u cant stop fucking burr in the kitchen

 

ZeroToHero: I want to die

 

Baguette: None of that shit, Hercules, this is a positive meme zone

 

Turtles: u dick now we gotta counteract the negative energy. quick alex say some happy shit

 

ZeroToHero: I reiterate, I want to die

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m living with the love of my life and we are going to be married. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

 

Turtles: awwwww oh my god babe ilysm

 

ZeroToHero: Well, shit, now I look like an asshole

 

Baguette: I am married to my lovely husband and we are going to adopt a wonderful baby girl

 

Turtles:  **_fucking what you french bitch_ **

 

Baguette: You better keep your fucking mouths shut

 

#Ham4Pan: I am very confused, but also very happy for you!

 

ZeroToHero: Holy shit dude!

 

Turtles: THIS IS SO GREAT!!!! YAAAASSS!!!

 

ZeroToHero: John that is so gay

 

Turtles: im gay shut up

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m very excited! Mr. Washington is going to be an amazing father.

 

Baguette: And I’m not????

 

#Ham4Pan: I guess you will be as well.

 

ZeroToHero: Alex is fucking around, Laf. You’re gonna be so good

 

Baguette: I do hope so

 

Turtles: we all do

 

#Ham4Pan: Good luck, Lafayette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a few months. Sobermeup and I have been ridiculously swamped at school and stuff, we've hardly had any time to talk to each other. I'm just glad we finally got a chapter finished. Thank you so much to everyone who reads this. You guys make it worth it to keep writing  
> We have an ask fic! Ask a question for a character, and they'll respond! http://archiveofourown.org/works/13445850
> 
> -Glenn


	45. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later, the group hasn't changed all that much, really.

Hamilton is #Ham4Pan ; Laurens is Turtles ; Hercules is ZeroToHero ;  Lafayette is Baguette ; George is GeorgeW. ; Angelica is CngrtsAss ; Eliza is PureBagel ; Peggy is SayNoToWeiners ; Burr is Burr ; John Barker Church is Rthrbnlndn ; Adrienne is BalletBitch ; Thomas is Macaroni_Man ; James (Madison) is Macaroni’s_Man

 

_ One Year Later _

 

#Ham4Pan: I’m just saying, I’m not the one that brought the dog to the house with the baby. That was John.

 

Baguette: Alex, you drove to our home in the same fucking car, you could have stopped him

 

GeorgeW.: I don’t think they knew the consequences of a dog with a baby, they aren’t very knowledgeable of children.

 

CngrtsAss: Boss, I’m still surprised by how well you type with that new phone. You should’ve bought a bigger one a long time ago

 

GeorgeW.: Thanks, I think. I just didn’t know it would help so much.

 

ZeroToHero: I don’t think dog w/ baby was a problem so much as dog w/ cats was a problem

 

Burr: The cats  _ really _ didn’t like Tofu

 

BalletBitch: I still do not fucking understand why you named your dog Tofu?

 

Turtles: eliza named him

 

BalletBitch: Ah, yes, that explains it

 

PureBagel: Listen, I just really love Tofu and I think it’s a wonderful name for an animal. One of my pigs is named Tempeh

 

SayNoToWeiners: I still cannot believe you actually started running an animal sanctuary

 

PureBagel: I just really wanted to help animals. Activists rescued them from slaughterhouses and I took them in. It kinda… escalated from there

 

CngrtsAss: No shit it escalated, pretty much your entire life is about the animals

 

PureBagel: I wouldn’t have it any other way :)

 

Turtles: off topic but i love my husband

 

Burr: John, the amount of times you have said that exact sentence probably add up to the length of Alex’s vows

 

#Ham4Pan: I doubt that. Also, I love my husband.

 

ZeroToHero: Alex’s vows alone were the length of our entire wedding, Aaron

 

CngrtsAss: That’s true

 

Rthrbnlndn: i had a lot of fun at both weddings. they were lovely.

 

Turtles: aw john Barker church,,, so pure

 

Rthrbnlndn: we’ve been friends for a while now, I think you can call me just John.

 

ZeroToHero: Okay Just John, I’m glad you liked our wedding

 

Baguette: Yeah Just John, you killed it on the dance floor

 

#Ham4Pan: Yes, Just John, I’m glad you liked  _ my _ wedding.

 

Turtles: hey man it was my wedding too

 

Rthrbnlndn: that’s not what i meant.

 

CngrtsAss: I love you babe, but what did you expect from these people?

 

GeorgeW.: Just John, you should have been just smarter.

 

Turtles: DAAAAMMMNNN!!!! 

 

SayNoToWeiners: Gwash over here spitting fiiiiire!!!!!

 

Turtles: he cant even blame his sick roasts on his spelling anymore

 

CngrtsAss: I didn’t realize Boss was secretly a savage

 

GeorgeW.: I didn’t either.

 

Baguette: Yes you did, mon amor. We all did

 

PureBagel: Not to interrupt this conversation but Laf, have the earrings I ordered come in yet?

 

Burr: You know, I keep forgetting that Laf sells jewelry and shit like a white mom

 

Baguette: What can I say, I’m a trophy wife

 

GeorgeW.: You’re my husband.

 

Baguette: Sweetie, it’s not that literal

 

PureBagel: After all these years, he still makes me happy with his Pureness

 

BalletBitch: Who the fuck???

 

PureBagel: Washington, my pure boy, some call him the POTUS

 

CngrtsAss: Not this again… I’m not strong enough…

 

CngrtsAss: Nevermind, HE’S NOT THE POTUS and DON’T EVEN START ALEX

 

Rthrbnlndn: i still don’t get this joke.

 

SayNoToWeiners: You dont need to, Just John, you Just don’t need to.

 

Burr: Speaking of adoption,

 

#Ham4Pan: No one was speaking of adoption.

 

Burr: Speaking of adoption,

 

ZeroToHero: We’re starting the process!

 

PureBagel: Oh my DUCKING GOODNESS I’M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

 

CngrtsAss: Watch your… you know what? Forget it.

 

BalletBitch: We have pushed Angie passed the breaking point

 

Baguette: Past*

 

BalletBitch: Shut the fuck up

 

GeorgeW.: Are you adopting a boy or a girl?

 

Burr: We don’t know yet! :D

 

ZeroToHero: We’re just waiting to see which child needs us

 

#Ham4Pan: What is this feeling? Am I… happy for Burr? I cannot believe my heart.

 

Rthrbnlndn: what is this feeling? so sudden and new? i felt the moment i laid eyes on you

 

Burr: Believe it baby!

 

#Ham4Pan: You ruined it.

 

ZeroToHero: Anyway, Mom asked if we wanted kids, and we just kinda looked at each other, and were like “We’re getting one”

 

Rthrbnlndn: my pulse is rushing, my head is reeling

 

Baguette: Wonderful communication skills, mon amis

 

Baguette: I want to ruin the fun! (for Alexander)

 

Baguette: (Added Macaroni_Man to the conversation)

 

Macaroni_Man: (Added Macaroni’s_Man to the conversation)

 

Macaroni_Man: I can’t bear this shit without my husband.

 

#Ham4Pan: We get it Jefferson, you’re married. Shut up about it.

 

Turtles: babe,,,

 

Rthrbnlndn: my face is flushing.  _ fervid as a flame, does it have a name? _

 

BalletBitch: You know damn well you do the exact same fucking thing

 

Rthrbnlndn:  _ YEE _ _ EEESSS _ **_SSSSS!_ **

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Hey guys, what’s up? We’re painting the new apartment.

 

PureBagel: Hey James! You’re allowed to do that? Aren’t you renting?

 

Turtles: oh my god ! just JOhn stOP with the WIcKED LYRICS PLEASe

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Yeah, but our landlord is really nice. We asked him and he said go for it.

 

PureBagel: That’s cool, I loved painting my walls after I got my house.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Oh yeah, your farm sanctuary. I haven’t been there yet.

 

PureBagel: You should come! We could have dinner

 

Burr: We just gonna… let them have a conversation then?

 

Rthrnlndn: even _ i  _ know that’s how this works.

 

#Ham4Pan: For once, I agree with Burr.

 

Macaroni_Man: This is  _ not _ the first time you’ve agreed with him, just be quiet.

 

Turtles: damn

 

Macaroni_Man: Pegs, how’s the girlfriend?

 

BalletBitch: She’s fabulous. Fuck off,  **_noodle arms_ **

 

SayNoToWeiners: Babe, pls. We’re doing great, Thomas

 

Macaroni_Man: Awesome! I’m married.

 

SayNoToWeiners: I’ve heard...

 

CngrtsAss: We’ve all heard. It’s old news

 

BalletBitch: I have moved to the United States, and I am coming for you. Watch out, Noodle Fuckster

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Creative

 

Baguette: 6/10 insult

 

Macaroni_Man: I’d give it a 3. Overused insult.

 

Turtles: its only funny when laf does it you noodle fuckster

 

#Ham4Pan: Thomas, you can kindly fuck off.

 

GeorgeW.: Polite.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Why is Mr. Washington so savage?

 

Baguette: I taught him everything he knows :)

 

Turtles: i am disgusted and intruiged laf

 

#Ham4Pan: I hate to ruin the mood of this work-free weekend, but are we starting in the new building on Monday, Mr. Washington?

 

GeorgeW.: Alex, we’ve been friends for far too long for you to still be calling “Mr. Washington”. My name is George

 

#Ham4Pan: (Private chat to Turtles) John I am actually going to lose my mind. I am going to cry.

 

#Ham4Pan: Of course, sir.

 

GeorgeW.: And yes, we are

 

Baguette: Georgey I love you but you probably just made Alex cry for no reason because he is never going to call you George

 

Turtles: can confirm,,, he i _ s crying _

 

ZeroToHero: New building?

 

Burr: Have I not told you? We had to move offices because the company outgrew the other building.

 

ZeroToHero: Oh, cool. Congrats Gwash

 

GeorgeW.: Thank you very much. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am, and I am incredibly grateful for how hardworking all of my employees are.

 

Turtles: except for laf

 

Baguette: I worked very hard while I was there, just so you know

 

Turtles: again… disgusted and intriged about what you mean by “worked hard”

 

Rthrbnlndn: i’m very happy for you, mr. washington! i hope your company continues to prosper.

 

#Ham4Pan: I would never wish to work anywhere else.

 

Macaroni’s_Man: I wouldn’t either.

 

ZeroToHero: Shit man. Forgot you were here

 

Turtles: same

 

Macaroni’s_Man: Happens all the time.

 

Baguette: My daughter is crying! I must go!

 

SayNoToWeiners: He is going to spoil the fuck out of that girl

 

GeorgeW.: We both are :)

 

PureBagel: I think she’s going to love Aunt Eliza’s house more than anyone else’s. She can meet cool pigs and goats and stuff while shes here.

 

Turtles: um? excuse me??? my apartment is better than ur house will ever be bc ill give her a shit ton of icecream

 

Baguette: She’s lactose intolerant.

 

Turtles: vegan icecream, duh?? i know  _ everything _ abt her and she will love me more than ANYONE else here

 

Turtles: she is my smol bab

 

Baguette: I think she might like her dads more than you you fucking idiot

 

SayNoToWeiners: You’re all crazy and she will love me the most

 

BalletBitch: Think again,  petite garce, I will be her favorite. I will be the one to let her stay up late and watch scary movies

 

GeorgeW.: You definitely will not be doing that.

 

#Ham4Pan: She will probably like me more once she is older. Then, I can help her with her homework and we can have genuine conversations.

 

Baguette: That’s true, Alex is a complete nerd. That’ll earn him points.

 

CngrtsAss: I’m going to teach her how to break a man’s nose in three seconds flat.

 

Baguette: That’s a great idea!!

 

GeorgeW.: Always a useful skill.

 

ZeroToHero: As cool as all of you are, I’m gonna teach her useful life skills, like sewing, and how to create bomb outfits

 

Turtles: we  _ gEt it hErc _ , ur not straight

 

Burr: I think our child will get along great with River

 

SayNoToWeiners: Damn. I forgot that those two are gonna have another child for her to play with. That’s basically a trump card.

 

Rthrblndn: well, whoever she ends up liking the most, river is going to grow up with some much love in her life, and that’s the most important thing.

 

PureBagel: Omg Just John, that’s such a wonderful thing to say.

 

CngrtsAss: I’m so glad to be dating you baby

 

Rthrbnlndn: and i you, angel.

 

ZeroToHero: Aaron, Mom just called and said she’s going to come over next weekend.

 

Burr: Since when did you start talking to my mother more than I do?

 

ZeroToHero: Since you found out that my sister was engaged before I did.

 

Burr: That’s fair

 

PureBagel: God, I just feel so content with my life right now

 

#Ham4Pan: I feel the exact same way.

 

Baguette: It feels like everything has worked out the way it was supposed to

 

Turtles: remember when laf and gwash couldnt even talk to eachother

 

GeorgeW.: I had always thought he was so nice, but I never had the courage to talk to him.

 

PureBagel: They were such stupid fuckers

 

CngrtsAss: **_Oh my god Eliza what the actual fuck?_**

 

PureBagel: Can’t I cuss? Just once? Can’t I live like the fully grown woman that I am?

 

SayNoToWeiners: No.

 

ZeroToHero: What about how we all used to hate Aaron? We never even talked to him

 

#Ham4Pan: I still hate Burr.

 

Burr: No you don’t

 

#Ham4Pan: Shut up.

 

CngrtsAss: You all were ready to kill John when you found out I was dating him.

 

SayNoToWeiners: Now I like him even more than you

 

BalletBitch: I did not know any of you

 

PureBagel: We’ve all changed a lot in the past three years, huh?

 

Macaroni_Man: Yeah.

 

#Ham4Pan: Shut the fuck up, Jefferson.

 

Turles: stay out of it you  _ absolute asswipe _

 

Baguette: I suppose we have not changed all that much after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over you guys. This is the final chapter of Another Uneeded Groupchat Fic
> 
> Heres some things we said while writing: “Who’s the roasty boy?”   
> Glenn had to say “Your health and safety comes first but I’m so upset.”   
> Sobermeup calls JeffMads “Thomas and whats-his-face”   
> “Turr”
> 
> Sobermeup- Lol sorry for the wait hah so glenn wrote their whole lil schpiel and they’re super sappy and im… um…. Thanks for the ride, it was lit, hit up the fandom asks for more shit like this, i love u guys so much, thank u bye bye
> 
> Glenn- This took me forever to write. The end of the school year is always the hardest and finals kicked my ass this year. Also, sobermeup had a concussion for a bit and wasn’t able to look at any screens (lol whoops - sobermeup). This story has been a wild ride for me. I’ve gotten so attached to the characters over these (almost) two years because, let’s be honest, they stopped being even remotely “canon” after the first chapter (if they started as canon at all). In all reality, sobermeup and I had no idea that this would become so long, we didn't even know that anyone would read this when we started it. This started as a fun joke, but it became so much more. This was the fic that got me into writing. This fic brought me and sobermeup so much closer. We talked for hours about these people, their relationships, their lives. I know this ending seemed sudden, but you’ve probably noticed that we lost passion for writing this story. Once the updates were months apart, we knew it was time for closure. It wasn’t fair to you all or to the characters to not be 100% into writing. It’s hard for me to let go of writing this story, but luckily we still have the Another Unneeded Fandom Asks! We’ll be answering any questions we get, and probably also posting some behind the scenes/alternate chapters. I can’t say thank you enough to everyone that has supported us. We’ve been through some shit with this story. Please, ask questions in the comments, over tumblr, on the asks fic. All of these characters may no longer have a main story, but they’re still here to me (oh my god me too, pls ask us questions pls - sobermeup). I love you so much, thank you!
> 
> HIT US UP ON TUMBLR: sobermeup -> myephemeral-love and glenn -> glennthewalmartguy


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